Merry Christmas!

I don't have much to say right now. I could post all of Max's latest adventures and goofy behaviors and I could talk about work, but I'm not going to. All I want to say is that for this moment, life is good. The trees (all 5 of them) are lit, the stockings are hung, our tree skirt is filled with presents and I am at peace. I am going to enjoy my two weeks away from work. I will eat as much as I want. And I will lay around and do nothing as much as possible. And most importantly, I will celebrate the birth of Christ and be thankful for my family and friends.

Merry Christmas everybody! See you in the new year!

Disconnected

It's the time around the holidays that I really start to feel like our move to Troy has disconnected us from a lot of our friends. We're further north and no one seems to think about inviting us to things because we're just "too far away". Many of my closest friends now live at least 45 minutes to an hour away and we have kids and other responsibilities. I understand that. But I hate it.

I think even more frustrating than that is the fact that I've tried to make friends "up here". I just end up feeling like a stalker. I'll suggest that we get together and even offer up some dates we're available, and it seems like people are just too busy for us. I hate it. Am I unlikeable? Sometimes it feels that way. Maybe they're just more popular than I am and fill their calendars faster. That's the only thing I can tell myself so I don't feel like a total loser.

What I hate more than anything is that Max doesn't have anyone to play with. His cousin, Anna, is not interested in playing with him yet. And the friends that I've tried to connect with up here don't seem to have time for us. Or they're stay-at-home moms and their kids play together all day long. They don't want to have an evening play date. Which is hard too. Even the friends that live south of Troy that have kids seem to be sahms and it's the same scenario.

I get on FB and I see all of these fun pictures of kids together in front of Christmas trees and it just makes me want to cry. I feel so left out. It makes it even harder when I think about having another baby. Because that's the playmate Max will have. And the longer and longer it takes us to have a baby, the bigger the age gap will be and then he won't be interested in playing for quite some time.

Even Jessica hasn't invited us down to do anything. She's coming to Max's birthday party next weekend and I'm sure she will have to rush through because she has to get home to Callie or get Maddie down for her nap. I feel like we've lost touch. I know that its just as much my fault as hers, but seeing her pictures hurts more than anyone else's. I don't even know how to say anything to her about it. I know that she's having these get togethers during the day with her other sahm friends. So I can't blame her for that. It just SUCKS.

Sometimes I feel like the only person who makes any effort to come to Troy or at least INVITE US to their house is Karen. At the beginning of the year we made a great effort to see each other at least once a month. And she was willing to trade off the drive. It worked well until about October. The last few months have been hectic because of illness and holidays, but at least we are still trying to coordinate time together. And I appreciate that. We always have a good time and the kids seem to enjoy each other, even if they haven't seen each other for a month. Max STILL enjoys watching video of the time we took our bounce house down to play with Nicole. We blew it up right in their living room. It was hilarious. He laughs and yells, "Nic!" and "Max!" THANK YOU KAREN.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can meet other people that live up in Troy? I've tried my neighbors and Kendall's co-worker connections. There is supposed to be a group through church, but one of their activities is meeting DURING THE DAY. Grrrr. I just get so lonely sometimes.

Mixed Feelings

So this week has been quite the roller coaster of emotions. Here are the highlights:

Monday- Overwhelmed- I had to go in to work because I don't have that many sick days banked yet. I knew that when I used them all up with Max I would be putting myself in a precarious situation, so I can't really complain all that much. It was totally worth it to stay home with him for 4 months. But it also means I'm very selective about my days off. So when I went in Monday I was trying to catch up from two days of sub notes AND trying to plan for two more days of subs notes. The kids were pretty good and the subs didn't suck, so by the end of the day I felt like I had a handle on things.

Tuesday- Disappointed- I had taken the afternoon off because Kendall was supposed to be coming home from the hospital. It didn't happen. They wanted him to get a few more doses of IV antibiotics in his system before releasing him. So I had to come home and get the house ready for our cleaning lady (pick up junk, get out the cleaning supplies) and then I headed down to the mall for a few hours. I ended up not finding anything (I was hoping for some retail therapy) and the bras that I bought ended up being a failure. Overall, by the end of the day I was frustrated and exhausted. I spent a few hours playing Yahtzee with Kendall at the hospital and then had to come home and get Max ready for bed.

Wednesday- Encouraged- I headed to the doctor Wednesday morning to see if the cyst that had formed on my ovary was finally gone. It was another month of not being able to do any fertility treatment and I was ready for some good news. Fortunately, the cyst is gone. So I have ordered my drugs (let me tell you, 500 dollars on fertility drugs is NOT the way I want to be spending money right now!) and start my shots again tomorrow. We have decided to go back to the more expensive treatments. It's what worked for Max. We were hoping to get away with the cheap method. It wasn't working. So fingers crossed this works. Kendall also got to come home! I picked him up at 1 and we drove around getting his medicine and equipment that the hospital wanted him to use. Unfortunately, Max also developed a slight fever that day.

Thursday- Frustrated- Max woke up with a fever of 103. Poor kid was barely keeping his head up at 7am after a full night of sleep. Fortunately Kendall was staying home the rest of the week, so I headed in to work. I was worried about them both all day. Kendall didn't really get the rest he was supposed to and Max's fever still didn't go away. I had to run a bunch of errands and take out the trash, and I found myself thinking that I wouldn't mind a few days rest in the hospital....

Friday- Exhausted- After all of the errands the previous night, I had flopped in to bed. Because Max had slept so much of the day on Thursday, he decided to wake up at 3am. Kendall took him downstairs to watch tv for a little while and give him some more Motrin but I was still up and tossing and turning. So I was a little short on sleep. The day seemed to go by quickly, but I had many things to take care of for next weeks two day field trip. I'm behind on grading and feel like I REALLY need the Thanksgiving break. Max peaked a fever of almost 104. I hope it's not too serious.

Saturday- Impatient- Today I am getting impatient. I am trying to be understanding with Kendall. But I feel like he's milking it a little bit. Yes, he had pneumonia. Yes, he's still recovering. But YES, I have been busting my butt for two weeks. And YES, I want his help with a few things. I'm ready for this to all be over. And to just enjoy my freaking holidays. Hopefully this next week is a little more even keel and I can sit back and relax and enjoy my family and be thankful that they are all HEALTHY!!!

I Might As Well Blog About This

So the last couple of weeks haven't been the greatest in the Erdahl household. When I left for DC two weeks ago, I had just found out that the cyst on my ovary still wasn't gone and that I'd have to go back on two more weeks of birth control. Kendall was also still coughing and sick. Kendall was able to make it through most of the week without me but at the end of the week he almost passed out at work and his blood pressure went really low. They sent him home.

That weekend he was sick the whole time. I barely felt like I got to recover from walking 20 miles before I had to go back to work. Kendall went to work Monday and again felt like passing out. They gave him iv fluids and vitamins and sent him home. He stayed home for several days and attempted to go back to work again.

Wednesday night Max woke up at 11pm and was spewing macaroni everywhere. It was sick. It smelled awful, his bed was covered, he was covered and I got covered. Not the most pleasant parenting task. Let's just say I won't be eating the mac and cheese from Panera any time soon.

Thursday seemed to be going okay. Max was doing well. I stayed home from work with him. And then at 3 pm I get a phone call from Kendall that he almost passed out again and they wanted him to go to the ER. So I packed up all of our stuff and headed out to pick him up.

We then spent the next 7 hours in the ER. Fortunately, my friend Leslie helped out and was able to watch Max until my in-laws could get over to our house. Kendall was admitted to the hospital with right lung pneumonia. He was coughing so hard he was puking. He BP was down to 90/56. I was worried. The ER doc basically said that Kendall had tried everything he could to stay out of the hospital but it was probably time to give up and get admitted.

That night I headed home to get some things for Kendall and started to not feel well. Then the stomach flu hit me. I barely got the things Kendall needed to him and back home again. It was awful. I was up on the toilet all night. I spent the entire next day in bed crying because I didn't feel good and because I had pretty much abandoned Kendall at the hospital.

Yesterday I was feeling a little better and my mom was able to come down for the night. I sent my in-laws home to get a break. They went a little too eagerly for me. It kind of hurt my feelings actually. But I got to spend some good time with my mom and she was a big help with Max. Last night we also got some more bad news. Our friend Tom (one of Kendall's residency buddies) was diagnosed with cancer last March. Everything seemed to be going fine. But last night we found out that the chemo has stopped working. And instead of telling us, he just stopped eating and didn't tell anybody. So another residency friend got a call to come out because things were bad. We learned last night that Tom probably won't make it to Thanksgiving. It's just horrible timing for horrible news.

Today things looked up a little. Kendall got a different antibiotic and it seems to FINALLY be working. His lungs sound better and he's feeling a little better today. My mom helped me set up the Christmas tree in our family room because it will probably be a while before Kendall is up to lifting heavy things and putting the tree up just made me feel better. I love Christmas. It will forever be my favorite holiday because of little Max. He came home with us 12 days before Christmas. I have pictures of him all tiny (tiny for HIM) and helpless in front of the family room tree. So I wanted that tree up first. There aren't any decorations on it yet, but it's up and glowing and it makes me feel like my break from work is near.

Unfortunately I have to go back to work tomorrow. I don't have that many sick days to burn since I used them all up with Max's maternity leave a few years ago. I need to save in the hopes of another baby. So I will head back tomorrow, exhausted, and then take off Tuesday to get Kendall home. (I HOPE.) I go back to the doctor Wednesday to see if that f*cking cyst is gone yet. *sigh* I need some good news.

Life As We Know It...

It's too freaking busy! I don't have time at work, at home- anywhere- to update this freaking blog.

Me:

• Hate my job. HATE HATE HATE it. My arch nemesis has been a total bitch. She's crazy this year. I actually went and said something to my boss about it after she actually yelled at me in front of kids for no reason. I put my hand in her face and told her to stop and walked away. *sigh* I can't wait for her to retire.
• Want to be a part time teacher. I just need to find someone to share with me. Oh, and the 25K I'll lose going to part time. Have to find that too. Not really sure how I'll do that....
• Am failing at getting pregnant again. After miscarrying in March I have been totally unsuccessful. Getting tired of this drama. Just want it to happen again. *sigh* May have to take more drastic and expensive measures to make it happen. Not happy about that.

Kendall:

• Has actually been enjoying his job I think. Been busy, which is good for us at the end of the year when it comes time for a bonus. I'm hoping we actually get one this year. Last year we got stiffed. Not even a Christmas bonus. All of his money went to paying the practice off. I keep telling myself, "Only two more years..."
• Doing a phenomenal job of taking care of Max and me. I have been exhausted lately. He's been keeping up more on cleaning the house and getting Max ready in the morning and evening.
• Is working crazy hours this month at Urgent Care. Trying to save as much money as possible for our baby-making woes. They are cutting his hours there after November 14th. He thinks it's stupid what they're trying to do. He's the only doc that works there that actually owns their own practice. The people trying to change things don't even practice medicine. It's all stupid. We'll see how long the changes last...or Kendall working there.

Max:

• Speaks in three word phrases: I did it! I get it! I got it! More milk please.
• Enjoys discussing pee and poop: I pooped, I wet, Mommy pooped (even if I'm standing at the stove making dinner!), Daddy pooped, Grandma pooped
• Also enjoys discussing his nudity: I'm naked! Mommy's naked! Ernie is naked!
• Asks for shows that he wants by their actual names now: Manny, Timmy, Horsie Boobie (he means MOVIE), Ernie Bert, Choo Choo (Chuggington)
• Loves to boss us around: Stop it! Go away! No don't do that! No! I want didi (his pacifier- he named it) I go potty! (he sits on the toilet fully clothed most of the time)
• Ridiculously obsessed with horses. Movies, books, stuffed animals, plastic animals, on TV, in real life. He has a stick horse and cowboy hat and rides around the living room yelling, "Yeehaw!" Then mommy and daddy have to do it too. Actually refers to himself in the third person as "Cowboy Max" sometimes. He is going to be a cowboy for Halloween, horse and all. He's actually ridden a pony all by himself! He wore the bike helmet and everything and held on to the pommel! What a big boy!
• Likes coloring. Actually asks for his crayons and coloring books now. And he wants us to color with him. Directly asking us to color. Handing us crayons. Instructing us when he wants us to use a new color. Understands the colors pink and white pretty consistently. All other colors are a crap shoot.
• Every day he does something to remind me that he's no longer a baby. It makes me sad AND happy. I can't wait until he can talk to me even more and tell me everything he's thinking. And yet, I so want another baby at this point that I don't want him to grow up because then he won't want me anymore!

Okay, gotta go! Max is having a melt down and bath time is over! Time to go watch some Ernie Bert and then send him to bed!

MWAHAHAHAHA!

I just found out that school is no longer blocking Blogger! EXCELLLLLENT!!!! Maybe I'll actually try to find some time to blog now!

Update on Life:

• I have a cold. Ick. :(
• We are back to the doctor again this month for baby #2. I'll keep you posted
• Max is waking up every day at 5-freaking-30!!!!! We don't know why or what to do. Any suggestions?
• Kendall is working crazy hours at Urgent Care because after October he may not be able to get very many hours there. Long story.
• I am ready for this freaking hot weather to go away and fall to arrive. I love my fleece vests! They hide my fat! Bring on the 40 and 50 degree weather!

Byyyyeeeee!!!!!!

Randomness

• Max has started using phrases: it's broke, apple juice, no more, one more, all gone, don't talk now (the last one was a well timed and probably coincidental phrase!) He also has new words every day. It's hard to keep track. He's started using the word "horse" sometimes instead of just the sound. He busted out the word "paper" the other day. I love that he's such a little sponge!
• I'm not sure if I've mentioned this already, but Max tells us when he's pooped his pants. He says, "Butt," because I always say it's time to change his stinky butt. Haha.
• We took a trip to Cleveland last week. We were there to landscape my mom's front yard so that she can prepare to sell her house and move to Troy. She's getting pretty serious about the whole thing. She hates her job and wants to leave her neighborhood. She's even looking into taking the civil service test. Many public jobs require it. The landscaping only took us a day and we were able to spend the other days vacationing. We went to Huntington Beach, Put-in-Bay and were able to spend a good amount of time visiting family. The trip has me convinced that we HAVE to take a trip to the beach next summer.
• I've been going into work to "get ready" for the school year. So far all I've accomplished is moving my desk to a new angle and unpacking my personal effects. Oh, and lots of talking with other teachers. I don't think any of us are really ready for this year to start. I have a feeling that it's not going to be a very good year. Several other teachers said the same. There are too many factors to list here, but I'm hoping we're wrong.
• We got a new teacher on our team this year. I haven't met her yet but I've heard that she's legally blind. Blind enough that she's not allowed to have a driver's license. It makes me wonder, how will she be able to actually do her job. How can you manage classroom behavior if you can't SEE the kids. I'm very interested to meet her and actually see how she does.
• We asked my brother to give us an estimate on what it would cost to have him paint a few rooms in our house, including Max's "big boy" room. He very graciously offered to do Max's room for free. Which is not cheap. He has to sand the walls to remove some old glow-in-the-dark paint and I want one wall of the room to be a dark navy blue. I also want a bold navy blue stripe to circle the room on the other 3 walls. Even knowing all of this, he's going to do it. Now we just have to get him down here to really do it!
• I have been reading a lot of books lately. Especially science fiction and distopia books. I'm eagerly awaiting the release of Mockingjay on August 24th. I've also found several other trilogies and series that have piqued my interest. I have to say I've found that I'm more of fan of a series than individual stories. I like being able to follow characters over multiple adventures. One of my favorite reads this summer was Rhett Butler's People. If you are a fan of Gone With the Wind you will enjoy the spin that was taken with this book.
• I am ready for fall.

Accidental Pregnancies

This is probably one of my MOST opinionated entries is a while. You've been warned.....

I knew that we would be going back to the doctor this month to try another round of fertility...IF everything looked good on my ultrasound. Unfortunately, it didn't. I have a very large cyst on my right ovary. The side where I had my ectopic pregnancy. It's so big that they want to put me on birth control for a month. Ugh. This means another month down the drain. What a waste. And on birth control I can't even TRY on my own. So frustrating.

So after that tidbit of bad news, I went into work today to rearrange my classroom a little bit. One of my coworkers and good work friends came into my room to tell me she's 4 months pregnant. And it was an "Oops". She's about 16 weeks along and didn't want to tell me until she thought I was feeling better about our last miscarriage drama. Which I greatly appreciated. But she also mentioned that she also had to deal with her own feelings about this surprise first. She's not happy to be having a third child. I appreciate her honesty and I was a good friend and listened to her complaints.

But inside it left me feeling angry, frustrated and sad. It feels very unfair when people tell me they are "accidentally" pregnant. Why them? Why not me? I WANT to be pregnant! I'm also amazed at the sheer number of people that find themselves in this situation. Again, it feels unfair. Some people are excited, albeit a little overwhelmed. But many of these people are NOT happy about their situation and want to complain to me about it. I find that to be incredibly insensitive on their part. If you need to complain, don't do it to me.

It's just one of those things I can't be a good friend about. And I thought people would know that. Mostly because these people KNOW the struggles that Kendall and I went through to get Max and the new struggles we are encountering with a second child. We've never been quiet about it (which I'm sure could prompt a whole OTHER blog from my friends :P). While I can sort of understand the frustration of things not going the way you have them planned, I think it's kind of selfish to complain. What I want to say to them is, "How inconvenient for you that you're fertile and can easily create the miracle of life inside of you. It must be so hard to be normal."

Because for women like me, being dysfunctional is something I think about every day right now. A woman who is trying to have children, but can't, thinks about it all the time. And when you lose a pregnancy, you never forget it. I am still marking the days from this last drama in the back of my mind. I think about how far along I would be. How big the baby would be. How I would feel it moving inside of me. I have another friend who has suffered two losses and still doesn't have a child. She has an incredibly strong faith and yet even she has moments of doubt and anger. To both of us, an accidental pregnancy would be a joy and miracle.

And the loss feels even greater when you have a child. I didn't expect it to be that way. I thought I would handle it even better. Already having Max would be my comfort. But it's not. It's a cruel tease. Because I HAVE experienced pregnancy and motherhood, I know what I am missing out on when that baby died.

I should clarify here that I'm not complaining about ALL types of pregnancy groans. Hearing a woman complain about a pregnancy that she is excited about and WANTS is totally different. These women are still happy about the baby growing inside of them. But as every woman who has experienced pregnancy knows, there are just times when you HAVE to complain or you'll explode. I would gladly listen to (and HAVE listened to) those types of aches and pains moments. It's different. It's wanted. But even when you're happy, it's still HARD to be pregnant. I just don't want to hear how you don't really WANT this baby that God has gifted you with. Those people should just shut up when I'm around. :P

To redeem my friend a little bit, she did say at the end of her complaints, "I just had to sit back and say that God had this happen for a reason. It was his will that created this life and there MUST be a purpose. And that made me feel like I could do this." And while I'm still incredibly jealous and just a little angry with both her and God, I have to agree with her. There's a reason she got pregnant again. And I have to believe there is a reason I haven't and that in time, God will show me why.

July

I can tell you right up front, this entry will not be my best one. I'm just not in the mood to write well. Hell, I might not even edit it. *gasp!*

Things around here have been busy. Before this week Max and I pretty much spent every day he was home going somewhere that he could play. I knew that August was going to be busy and he was going to spend a lot of time at daycare. So I wanted to make the most of July. And the weekends have been full of visitors- both family and friends.

Just this week Natalie had the twins. Their names are Aleah Marie and Eliana Estelle. And because my blog is private, I can say this- I don't like their names. My s-i-l always picks such prissy names. And frowns when we try to give them nicknames. Anna is always called Annaliese by her parents. I think it's a mouthful. I didn't like her name either. I know, I know, it's their kid. But we all have to use the name too! And SHE has to go to school with it! So fortunately, Max can't say their names. He calls them Lili and Eli. Also fortunately, Natalie thinks it's cute that he can't say their names. Secretly, I'm going to pay him to keep saying those names until the cute factor doesn't count. Maybe by then the nicknames will STICK. Haha.

I am desperately clinging to the last weeks of my summer. Only 3 weeks left after this one until I am back to work full time. That....makes...me...sad. Plain and simple, I don't want to go back. I like the routine that Max and I have at home. And I like having a clean house. Kendall doesn't clean. And so unless I am home to put everything away, our house goes to shit. Case in point- we've been at the hospital all week visiting and trying to help out where we can. Our house- shit hole. *sigh* I've had to get up two days this week at my normal work time to go to summer workshops. Both days SUCKED. :P I have to do it again tomorrow. It will suck as well.

We got some interesting news this week on the get-a-sibling-for-Max front. Catholic Social Services informed me that we are eligible for their next home study group. This is a big surprise to us because we never repaid the fee to go back on the waiting list. We just told them to put us at the bottom and we'd let them know. I guess that meant we got to work our way back UP the list again. Which means that adoption is still a very REAL and CLOSE possibility for us. Which both comforts me and tears my heart out at the same time.

It helps to know that adoption is still an option and makes me excited that we wouldn't actually have to wait 'til Max as almost 4 for it to happen. It kills me to think about because as bizarre as it sounds, I so want to be where Natalie is right now. Recovering from another c-section. I'm not sure what that's supposed to tell me. I feel like my heart really is open to the idea of bringing someone else's baby into our home and making them OUR baby. But because of Max, I think I would always question whether we could still have more biological children. Maybe this is God's way of telling me to take some time off from killing myself to have a biological child. And maybe we could come back to it later when we wanted a third. Still a lot to think about.

Some quick things about Max and I'm outta here!

His latest favorite: Up and Down. He will use any prop he can get his hands on to demonstrate the concept of going up and down. Sometimes, when there are no props available, he'll use his body to go up and down. It's pretty funny.

His new favorite toy: General Red. A big plastic horse my mom bought him when she was here to visit for my birthday. Kendall wanted to name him General. I wanted to name him Red. A nice compromise was formed. Who cares what Max wanted to name him!

18 Month Check up: Weight- 28 pounds (50th to 75th percentile), Height- 35 inches (95th percentile- child, stop growing! This will put him FOR SURE over 6 feet as an adult.), Head Circumference- 53 centimeters (OVER the 95th percentile- which means he has a VERY large brain. Just the way I like 'em!)

Stressed

So ever since our vacation, things have felt stressful. Between being sick, catching up on bills, cleaning the house and dealing with Max's meltdowns, I'm getting worn out. We even decided that we'd wait another month to go back to the fertility doc because we're so tired and stressed. And that's big for us, because I was fully planning on going back as soon as I could.

We're also trying to refinance our mortgage. While on vacation, our loan officer called us to let us know we were eligible for a signifcantly lower interest rate. So significant that it will save us 250 dollars a month on our monthly payment. The only glitch, we have to get the house appraised for the same amount it was given three years ago when we bought it. While it doesn't sound that hard, I'm worried that in this current economy we're going to get hit. I REALLY want this refi to happen. It will add up quickly to more money in our savings account for fertility treatment, home improvement (which will only raise the value of our home more) and overall more money for emergencies. The appraiser is coming today at 10. So keep your fingers crossed for us!

Max is starting to hit his terrible twos a little early. He has been throwing more and more fits and temper tantrums. He's been hitting and throwing and occassionally biting. It's hard to yell at him and spank him sometimes. And at other times, extremely easy. :) I have to make sure that I don't just fly off the handle and that I give him ample warnings and explain WHY he is being punished or spanked. I have spanked him enough now (for serious things like throwing at the dogs or running away from me in public) that when I ask him "Do you want a spankin'?" he actually says, "No!" and stops the behavior. (I KNOW that sentence isn't punctuated correctly, but I'm on summer vacation! :P)

I'm also starting to stress about school. I'm nervous about team teaching with someone full time. Especially because she's totally ADHD. It's going to be a long year if we don't get along. At least I have a good idea of what the kids are like. Many of them are good kids (according to my friend Leslie who had them last year) and that matters more to me than if they are straight A students. If they are trying to do their best, that's all that matters.

Okay, I feel a little better. I just have to tell myself that it will all work out. We are going to try "on our own" this month for baby #2 (even though our hopes aren't high it will work, you never know) and have several other things on the agenda socially. We've also talked about several other home projects, especially if the refi goes through. One of them is an egress window for the basment so that we could list our home as a 5 bedroom. Plus, it would add a lot more light to the spare room down there. Additionally, we still want to paint several rooms, including a bigger room for Max. Now if only I could get my brother to come down and paint....

HECK YEA!

So the language arts coordinator for our school district sent me a text today that had me smiling. You're probably wondering, "He texted you?" Yes. He used to be our assistant principal and we became friends while he was in our building. And he's very good about using modern technology to communicate. Anyways, you're also probably wondering, "What did the text say?" Wellll....I found out that 100% of my kids passed the OAA (Ohio Achievement Assessment)! That means even the ones that were total TURDS and didn't write much for their answers had a passing score of at least 75% or better.

I also found out that I have a Perfomance Index of 111! The coordinator also told me that he thinks I got the highest PI of all language arts teachers in the district! HECK YEA!

I feel like all of my hard work this year paid off. Especially because I didn't feel like it was my best year since I was balancing work and family. Since my "arch nemesis" is teaching the advanced kids this year, I'll be very interested to see how their scores do....

Max at 18 Months

This will probably be a lengthy post and is mostly for my benefit, since typing is faster than writing. I want to document all of the things that Max can already do at 18 months. Sometimes I worry that he is "behind" and then I read all of the things he can do and say and understand, and I think that he's doing just fine. :)

Words he actually uses: Mommy, Daddy, book, dog, out, up, ball, Manny (The Handy one), Nana, banana, Anna (all slightly the same but with point we understand), Morrie, Maggie, grandma, Aunt Nat, Tasha (day care person), Kelly, Max, me, eat, baby, more, Elmo (Momo), poop, choo choo, wheee!, uh-oh, apple, clean up, Oooh hot!, juice, didi (means his pacifier), fish, cake, TV ("TB") beep beep and black berry (his most recent word).

Animals he can identify/noises he can make: Horse (Nay), Cow (Mmmmmm) (his two favorites), Sheep (Ba), Goat (Na), Elephant (trumpeting sound), Chicken (Buck), Duck (Quack), Bird (Tweet), Cat (Meow), Dog (Woof), Lion (Roar), Tiger (Grr), Monkey (Ooh ooh), Turkey (tongue wiggling on his lip kind of sound), Frog (Bit) and Camel (spitting noise). He can also identify: Parrot, Mouse, Giraffe, Fish, Guinea Pig, Lizard, Snake, Zebra, Bear, Penguin, Pig, Bunny, Bug, and Butterfly.

Other words he understands and points to but doesn't say: Flower, plane, tractor, truck, train, boat, pear, broom, spoon, fork, bib, bathtub, slide, swing, Ernie, Bert, Zoe, Rosita, Big Bird, Cookie Monster, Grover, Oscar, outside, bye bye (for leaving the house, he stands by the door), night night (heads for the stairs to his room), time to change your stinky/poopy butt (knows to lay down so I can change it or go up to his room), say hi/bye (he waves), basement/downstairs, and get in your chair.

His "favorites": Tomatoes, bananas and hot dogs are his favorite foods. His favorite animals are horses and cows. It used to be dogs. He also likes giraffes a lot lately. His favorite muppet is Elmo, closely followed by Ernie. His favorite Disney character is Handy Manny. His favorite thing to say right now is "ooh hot!" He says it about his food and the weather outside whenever we step into the sun. He likes to pick his nose and stick his hands down his poopy diapers and smear them on his legs and sheets. (Sorry, gross.) When you yell at him for picking his nose, he squeezes both nostrils and says, "Honk!" He likes Morrie better than Maggie, but mostly because Morrie stands still and lets him pet him. He's really into books, but mostly books that he can point to objects in. Most of his favorites are used books from the library sale.

Things he can do: Put his arms in the sleeves, legs in the pants (with support), climb steps and slide down them on his belly, go down slides on his stomach (even the really big swirly ones at the park), tries to put on his socks and shoes, eat with a spoon and fork (still won't decide if he's lefty or righty, good with both hands), color with crayons, clap and dance with music without prompting, ask to watch TV ("TB") and applaud you when you let him, throw a ball with two hands, build block towers without prompting, make his stuffed animals and plastic farm animals walk and talk to each other, climb in and out of his wagon by himself and ride a Power Wheels with steering assistance. I'm sure there are many other things he can do, these are the ones at the front of my mind.

He also is starting to understand colors. They claim at school he says some of the colors and will point to them. He definitely understands the color red because we are only allowed to pick and eat the RED cherry tomatoes. Sometimes he's too excited to wait for me to wash them and will eat them straight off the plant.

I could go on forever, but this gives a pretty good picture of things he can do. Sorry it was so lengthy. Will try to keep it more brief in the future with only new words and activities. :)

Eventually, I WILL update this blog....for now, this is what we're up to...

Question

If someone apologizes to you, should you have to apologize back even if you don't feel you did anything wrong but they do? Just because they acknowledge that what they did was wrong, you might not feel the same way about what you did.

Furthermore, if you give an apology, but then point fingers at someone, is it really an apology or just a convenient way to point out what you think someone else did wrong?

Isn't the entire purpose of an apology to just say you're sorry for YOUR wrong doing and not expect anything in return?

Life

I haven't blogged in almost 2 months. Mostly because the things I would blog about haven't been very nice and I wouldn't have been able to blog about them in a very nice way.

The short of it...I've managed to miscarry one uterine pregnancy and am now dealing with an ectopic pregnancy that fertilized at the same time....basically freakish twins. It only happens to 1 in every 35,000 women. It's been incredibly hard to deal with both emotionally and physcially.

The long of it. I spent 2 weeks FEELING pregnant. Morning sickness, tightening pants, raging hormones. No bleeding, hardly any drama. Then the bleeding started around week 6. Just spotting. No big deal. My numbers were still fine. The bleeding got heavier around 6 1/2 weeks. Panicked. Called the doctor. Wanted me to come in for an ultrasound to make sure the baby was okay. The ultrasound was heartbreaking. No baby. No heartbeat. Just a giant blob of tissue and blood that used to be my baby. My numbers had plunged. We went home to wait out the inevitable.

Just when I thought things were going to be okay and we could move on, I had lab work done again to confirm that my pregnancy hormone was at zero. It wasn't. It had jumped back up to my original numbers and the doctor was in a panic. I went in for ANOTHER ultrasound. This time, they found bleeding and tissue near my right ovary. Two choices: Surgery or a chemotherapy drug injection. I opted for the injection. I have have up to three of them. It should dissolve the remaining tissue without the risk of losing my fallopian tube. I will know if it has started working this Thursday. If it doesn't work, I have to go in for another shot.


It doesn't help that I'm SURROUNDED by pregnant women. My sister-in-law is huge. 3 more months til the twins are here. Jessica is almost 17 weeks. There is a woman at school that is due in 4 weeks. My neighbor's daughter and son are both expecting babies in October. At least 4 other friends or acquaintances are due to have babies this fall. I swear if one more person tells me they're having a baby I may just flip my lid.


I'm so greatful that I have Max and Kendall. Coming home every day to my boys does make things easier than they were before. Everything felt so empty every time we lost a baby before Max. And now I have this smart, adorable, amazing little boy who does things on a daily basis to both frustrate me and make me feel like the most important person in the world. Kendall has been incredibly patient and supportive. I know it's hard for him too, but sometimes that's easy to forget when I'm the one going through the physical as well as emotional stress.


So I'm definitely ready for summer vacation. And a summer of fun with Max. We can't try again until the fall and I plan on spending the next three months swimming, at the park, at the zoo, on any field trip I can think of to keep us happy and busy. We're taking a vacation the third week of June and I want to try and work a second one in once we have a better idea of when Natalie will have the girls. Accentuate the positive. Eliminate the negative.


I end with the lyrics to one of my favorite songs when I'm feeling down. "Sunrise" by Brandon Heath:


All you need is a sunrise


Just a moment of dawn


If you're lost in the twilight


Close your eyes and move on


When you're tired in the waiting


Even though it's gonna take you


A little more time


Just a little more time, the sun's gonna find you

There You Are!

I found you spring!!!!!

P.S.

Spring, where are you?!?!?!?!?!!

Tired

My kid is wearing me out. He's skipped being a one year old and decided to just be a terrible two year old. He hits, he bites, he collapses on the floor in fits. He throws things. He hits the dogs. He finds ways to break stuff. I just want to tear my hear out and scream sometimes. And then he does something adorable and I think, "I want to clone you." *sigh* Being a parent is hard.

SNOW!

This snow is awesome. I don't have to shovel it (we have a guy that comes with his truck), I don't have to go to work in it (SNOW DAY!), and it's looking like it has great potential to make a snow man (Max's FIRST)!

I'm going to try to get some additional pictures up later of Max out in the snow!. It comes up to our knees in the back yard! CRAZY!

GROUND HOG DAY!!!!!

DJ 1: Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties cause it's cold out there today.
DJ 2.: It's cold out there every day. What is this, Miami Beach?
DJ 1.: Not hardly. And you know, you can expect hazardous travel later today with that, you know, that blizzard thing.
DJ 2: That blizzard thing. That blizzard thing. Oh, well, here's the report. The National Weather Service is calling for a big blizzard thing.
DJ 1: Yes, they are. But you know, there's another reason why today is especially exciting.
DJ 2: Especially cold!
DJ 1: Especially cold, okay, but the big question on everybody's lips--
DJ 2: On their chapped lips--
DJ 1: On their chapped lips, right: Do you think Phil is gonna come out and see his shadow?
DJ 2: Punxsutawney Phil!
DJ 1: Thats right, woodchuck chuckers, it's--
Together: Groundhog Day!

Quick Update

Just a quick post to update you on my last couple weeks....

Me:

• Kids at school are driving me crazy. I'm starting to think it's time for a job switch...or another maternity leave. Hahaha.
• Looking into a MA in Library Media Specialist. I think my dream job real is to be a school librarian. Now to find the time and money to complete this degree...
• Went and saw the infertility doctor a week ago. Our plan is to try an altered version of what worked to get Max. It will save us some money (almost a thousand dollars a month!) if it works. If it doesn't, we'll go back to the heavy hitting expensive method. The goal is to get pregnant within three months.
• Been going to the gym. I hate every minute of it. But I don't want to gain too much weight with a second pregnancy. I'm already back up to my biggest pants size. I refuse to go any higher.
• Reading a ton of fantasy books. Currently reading Evermore, a vampire book. Pretty good. Got it from my 14 year old sister. :)

Kendall

• Working crazy Urgent Care to pay for our fertility
• Enjoying being a partner in his practice and no longer an employee
• Also working out at the gym, but going at 5 AM (ICK!). He at least has a workout buddy though.

Max

• 14 months old
• Can't say any new words (I worry about this so much) but is babbling like crazy. The other day we were looking for his pacifier on the floor and I was calling out for it in a sing-song voice. He started imitating me. HILARIOUS.
• Lets go of the cart in the store and says "Wheeee!!!" if I do it first. Makes people in the store laugh.
• Still not walking without assistance. He will walk back and forth in the basement a million times with a cart or his little red car. He laughs while he does it.
• Likes "This Little Piggy". Is giggling by the third toe (This little piggy had roast beef.) and actively puts his toes back for each line.
• Won't say "Up" when he wants to be held (even though I say it every time I pick him up) but reaches out both arms and flexes his fingers. So stinkin' cute!
• We have created a goofball by teaching him to put everything on his head. We started doing it with stacking cups. Now HE does it with Mega Bloks, balls, his dinner plate, etc. and finds it HILARIOUS.

The New Year

I could post pictures of Christmas, but I already did that on Facebook. I could post pictures of NYE, but again, Facebook. So I'm just going to jump into my New Year's Resolutions. I went back to 2008 and looked at that year's resolutions. I didn't manage to have time for any at the beginning of this year...wonder why....

Kinda laughed when I read the old resolutions. I definitely accomplished a few....if you don't want to go back and read them, here are the ones i accomplished, even if it was in a nontraditional way...

#1- Having a baby. I vowed to have a baby by Christmas of 2008. Phew. Got that one done at the last minute.

#5- A new car. One that made me look like a rockstar. I managed to get myself a fully loaded SUV with personalized plates. Doesn't get more rockstar than that.... :)

#7- Reading 12 new trashy romance novels. Definitely accommplished that goal. Mary Balogh, thank you for your delicious series of books.

#8- Go through at least half of the boxes in our storage area and get rid of stuff. Well, the basement flooded in June and pretty much took care of that half on it's own. The other half got sorted and organized courtsey of our Gorilla shelves and a garage sale.

#10- Being grateful for the things I already have. I'm still working on this one. But I feel that since Max, this one is a lot easier to handle.

If I had to pick a resolution from 2009, even if it wasn't official, it would have been being a good mom to Max. And I'm confident I accomplished that. Just today he picked me over daddy. Hahaha.

So here are my resolutions for 2010....

1. Have baby #2. We are officially going back to the doctor on January 15th. We hopefully have a plan and accomplish the first step of this by June. If not, I will try to be patient and remember how wonderful baby #1 is. As I said to Kendall, "You get what you pay for." Our 20,000 dollar baby is AMAZING. Hope if the second one is "cheaper" we don't get bit in the butt for that statement. Hahaha.

2. Lose weight. It seems cliche, but I want to lose weight, even while trying to have a baby. I am hoping to be able to exercise during a pregnancy, something I wasn't allowed to do the first time around.

3. Start a master's degree in School Library Media Specialist. The more and more time I spend in the library with my kids, the more I realize, this is what I should be doing. I'm tired of being judged by the test results my students produce in 3 hours on one day at the end of the year. I really just want to connect with kids on a topic I'm passionate about- reading. I have these grandios ideas about things I could do as a school librarian. Wright State has a program. I'm in the process of getting more info about it.

4. Redecorating several rooms in the house. Our bathroom and bedroom, the powder room, and Max's big boy room. My brother is going to come down the last week of January to paint, so this one SHOULD get done. :)

5. Read 12 fantasy books. It's my favorite new genre. I've already read one for January and am working on book number 2.

6. Spend less money. I am trying to streamline what we really need. We're thinking of trying the Magic Jack for our home phone. It will save us money on a land line. And also thinking of getting rid of some of our cable package. We don't use all of it now that we have Max. Why continue paying for something we hardly ever use? We also currently pay for 3 movies at a time from Netflix. We really only need one at a time. Just in these three items I think I can save us 100 dollars a month. That's 1200 for the year!

7. Be a better friend. I get so consumed with my own life I neglect my friends. I don't call, I don't write. I suck. I'm going to try to be better about this.

8. Ride my bike 15 miles. This was a goal in 2008. If I am physically allowed to, I want to do this. We even bought a bike trailer for Max. We started practicing riding in it with his bike helmet this fall. This summer, I totally want to ride long distance.

9. Go to church more. I need to be a good example for Max. While I don't believe you HAVE to go to church to talk to God or celebrate him, I think Max should learn the importance of community. Plus, there are several different organizations through St. Patrick's that would allow us to meet new people in the area. And we need more of those people.

10. Take a kick ass vacation. Suggestions?