Randomness

• Max has started using phrases: it's broke, apple juice, no more, one more, all gone, don't talk now (the last one was a well timed and probably coincidental phrase!) He also has new words every day. It's hard to keep track. He's started using the word "horse" sometimes instead of just the sound. He busted out the word "paper" the other day. I love that he's such a little sponge!
• I'm not sure if I've mentioned this already, but Max tells us when he's pooped his pants. He says, "Butt," because I always say it's time to change his stinky butt. Haha.
• We took a trip to Cleveland last week. We were there to landscape my mom's front yard so that she can prepare to sell her house and move to Troy. She's getting pretty serious about the whole thing. She hates her job and wants to leave her neighborhood. She's even looking into taking the civil service test. Many public jobs require it. The landscaping only took us a day and we were able to spend the other days vacationing. We went to Huntington Beach, Put-in-Bay and were able to spend a good amount of time visiting family. The trip has me convinced that we HAVE to take a trip to the beach next summer.
• I've been going into work to "get ready" for the school year. So far all I've accomplished is moving my desk to a new angle and unpacking my personal effects. Oh, and lots of talking with other teachers. I don't think any of us are really ready for this year to start. I have a feeling that it's not going to be a very good year. Several other teachers said the same. There are too many factors to list here, but I'm hoping we're wrong.
• We got a new teacher on our team this year. I haven't met her yet but I've heard that she's legally blind. Blind enough that she's not allowed to have a driver's license. It makes me wonder, how will she be able to actually do her job. How can you manage classroom behavior if you can't SEE the kids. I'm very interested to meet her and actually see how she does.
• We asked my brother to give us an estimate on what it would cost to have him paint a few rooms in our house, including Max's "big boy" room. He very graciously offered to do Max's room for free. Which is not cheap. He has to sand the walls to remove some old glow-in-the-dark paint and I want one wall of the room to be a dark navy blue. I also want a bold navy blue stripe to circle the room on the other 3 walls. Even knowing all of this, he's going to do it. Now we just have to get him down here to really do it!
• I have been reading a lot of books lately. Especially science fiction and distopia books. I'm eagerly awaiting the release of Mockingjay on August 24th. I've also found several other trilogies and series that have piqued my interest. I have to say I've found that I'm more of fan of a series than individual stories. I like being able to follow characters over multiple adventures. One of my favorite reads this summer was Rhett Butler's People. If you are a fan of Gone With the Wind you will enjoy the spin that was taken with this book.
• I am ready for fall.

Accidental Pregnancies

This is probably one of my MOST opinionated entries is a while. You've been warned.....

I knew that we would be going back to the doctor this month to try another round of fertility...IF everything looked good on my ultrasound. Unfortunately, it didn't. I have a very large cyst on my right ovary. The side where I had my ectopic pregnancy. It's so big that they want to put me on birth control for a month. Ugh. This means another month down the drain. What a waste. And on birth control I can't even TRY on my own. So frustrating.

So after that tidbit of bad news, I went into work today to rearrange my classroom a little bit. One of my coworkers and good work friends came into my room to tell me she's 4 months pregnant. And it was an "Oops". She's about 16 weeks along and didn't want to tell me until she thought I was feeling better about our last miscarriage drama. Which I greatly appreciated. But she also mentioned that she also had to deal with her own feelings about this surprise first. She's not happy to be having a third child. I appreciate her honesty and I was a good friend and listened to her complaints.

But inside it left me feeling angry, frustrated and sad. It feels very unfair when people tell me they are "accidentally" pregnant. Why them? Why not me? I WANT to be pregnant! I'm also amazed at the sheer number of people that find themselves in this situation. Again, it feels unfair. Some people are excited, albeit a little overwhelmed. But many of these people are NOT happy about their situation and want to complain to me about it. I find that to be incredibly insensitive on their part. If you need to complain, don't do it to me.

It's just one of those things I can't be a good friend about. And I thought people would know that. Mostly because these people KNOW the struggles that Kendall and I went through to get Max and the new struggles we are encountering with a second child. We've never been quiet about it (which I'm sure could prompt a whole OTHER blog from my friends :P). While I can sort of understand the frustration of things not going the way you have them planned, I think it's kind of selfish to complain. What I want to say to them is, "How inconvenient for you that you're fertile and can easily create the miracle of life inside of you. It must be so hard to be normal."

Because for women like me, being dysfunctional is something I think about every day right now. A woman who is trying to have children, but can't, thinks about it all the time. And when you lose a pregnancy, you never forget it. I am still marking the days from this last drama in the back of my mind. I think about how far along I would be. How big the baby would be. How I would feel it moving inside of me. I have another friend who has suffered two losses and still doesn't have a child. She has an incredibly strong faith and yet even she has moments of doubt and anger. To both of us, an accidental pregnancy would be a joy and miracle.

And the loss feels even greater when you have a child. I didn't expect it to be that way. I thought I would handle it even better. Already having Max would be my comfort. But it's not. It's a cruel tease. Because I HAVE experienced pregnancy and motherhood, I know what I am missing out on when that baby died.

I should clarify here that I'm not complaining about ALL types of pregnancy groans. Hearing a woman complain about a pregnancy that she is excited about and WANTS is totally different. These women are still happy about the baby growing inside of them. But as every woman who has experienced pregnancy knows, there are just times when you HAVE to complain or you'll explode. I would gladly listen to (and HAVE listened to) those types of aches and pains moments. It's different. It's wanted. But even when you're happy, it's still HARD to be pregnant. I just don't want to hear how you don't really WANT this baby that God has gifted you with. Those people should just shut up when I'm around. :P

To redeem my friend a little bit, she did say at the end of her complaints, "I just had to sit back and say that God had this happen for a reason. It was his will that created this life and there MUST be a purpose. And that made me feel like I could do this." And while I'm still incredibly jealous and just a little angry with both her and God, I have to agree with her. There's a reason she got pregnant again. And I have to believe there is a reason I haven't and that in time, God will show me why.