Oh great fortune cookie!

I was just talking with Jessica G-J about my bad week this week and how I've felt like I was on highs and lows the whole time. There were days where I couldn't make my face stop sagging from sadness and then days like today where I couldn't say I was happy, but at least I was alert and moving and talkative. Jessica said she's been feeling the same way...which made me wonder, do we all go through the winter blues and just not tell each other?

Granted, the weather around here has been quite erratic. One day it's 55 and then the next it's 30. It rains, then it snows, then it melts. It's been quite strange.

Kendall mentioned the other day that he heard on the radio that January 23rd is usually the most depressing day of the year. It's usually a gloomy day, most people realize they have yet to follow through on their New Year's resolutions, and most bills from the holidays are starting to come due. But maybe this year it wasn't just a day, maybe it was the whole week. The week did start with the 23rd.

Or, maybe we all just start to drag since we're not getting enough sunlight. It's probably a combination of things. The holidays have passed and we have the long stretch until Easter/Passover. Our gas bills are sky high. When it's cold, we generally stay inside more. And with the early darkness, bedtime feels early. Aka, the winter blues.

I was feeling especially down yesterday when I opened my fortune cookie...it said, "You are only as happy as you think you are." Today I resolve to try to follow that mantra. I can only be as happy as I tell myself I am. Just a thought for the day.

Yea Jessica!

My friend Jessica is pregnant! I have to say that this is one of the few pregnancies I've actually been excited about! I won't lie, I cried a little after I got off the phone with her because let's be honest, I'm jealous. But I really feel like Jessica and Rob deserve this baby. Without sharing too much info, they've put their time in. And I think they're going to make WONDERFUL parents...yes, I am including Rob in that comment. Haha. I can't think of a better person to hear pregnancy news from....except my own doctor!

I just felt the need to share the good news here. And everybody pray that their baby is healthy and safe!

Burn Out

So I've been feeling some serious burn out at my job. Between the kids being mean to each other and me, grading regular work, and grading these stupid quarterly tests, I'm feeling like my job just isn't worth it. I love the people that I work with, but the job itself isn't feeling very fulfilling.

I've been having my "quarter life crisis" for over a year now and I still haven't been able to figure out what I want to do with my life. Sometimes I even wonder if this is part of the reason Kendall and I haven't been able to have a baby. God is forcing me to figure out who I am and what I want to do before giving me additional challenges. I do have to say, that the one thing that struggling with conception has done is turn my life back to faith. I can't say that I'm the best Christian, but I feel like I've reconnected with God.

There's this huge part of me that thinks that maybe I just need to be a mom for a while. But the other part of me is torn about leaving my job. I love connecting with kids. And I try to wrack my brain for other ways to bond with teens, and I'm at a loss. I don't want the connection to just be a passing thing, something I do in my spare time or on the weekends. I feel that I need a job where I can connect with kids on a daily basis. There are days when I question whether I should be teaching high school again. As much as I love 8th graders, there are times when I think I need more of a challege and my expectations exceed their abilities.

All of this has led to a lot of reflection on what I want to be doing in 10 years. I worry that I will still be saying the same thing I do now, the same thing I said at 16..."What do I want to be when I grow up?" Is this something that everyone goes through? Will I say the say thing at 36? 46? 96????

King Kong

I laughed, I almost cried, I sat on the edge of my seat, and at times I was plain bored. I'm not really sure how I felt about King Kong. I know that we had a good time with Jon and Missy. I know that there were parts of the movie where we were laughing and the rest of the theater wasn't. Overall, I have to say it wasn't the worst movie I've ever seen...that would have to be The Forty-Year-Old Virgin. I almost got up and walked out of that one after like 15 minutes. I was able to sit through the entire THREE HOUR showing of King Kong. So I must not have thought it was that awful.

Here are some of my favorite parts...and don't worry, they don't really ruin the movie if you haven't seen it yet.......

1. "Only one animal makes a print that big...the Abominable Snowman" ~shipmate's comment upon seeing King Kong's footprint in the mud

2. Jack Black playing a semi-serious role, he's almost ruthless at times!

3. King Kong fighting a T-Rex- he rips its tongue out with his teeth after he pries its jaws apart- I laughed out loud at this part...only Jon and Kendall joined me, the rest of the theater was silent!

4. Adrien Brody- he's so cute in that nerdy sort of way

5. Playing with your kill- When Kong flaps the jaw of a dead T-Rex for sheer enjoyment, it must be a man thing.

And I just realized...

Happy freaking Half-Birthday to me. What a day. July 19th better be WAY better than today was.

I officially feel like a freak

So I went to the doctor today. After waiting OVER an HOUR after my scheduled appointment I got the news. I'm a freak. Okay, so the doctor didn't say that. What she did say was my progesterone level was like 1.6 and then said, "You've started your period, right?" Ummmm..NO. So I guess I didn't even ovulate this month. Which makes ZERO sense since I was ovulating just fine before I took the Clomid, and now that I took it, I didn't ovulate. She said she has absolutely no idea what's wrong with me.

I basically flipped out in her office. She told me that I needed to "lower my expectations", which I promptly rebutted with, "Trust me, they're already pretty low". Then she told me to stop getting upset, and I kind of cracked. I told her I had a right to feel frustrated with my body and if I wanted to cry, I was going to cry. Then she felt bad. As she should. And told me that she feels like a failure when I cry. I told her it was not something I could stop myself from doing and that I needed her to understand that I felt the need to express my disappointment.

The only good thing that came out of the visit was that I think she finally understood that it's okay to be nice to your patients and show them you care. You don't have to tell them to be tough all the time. If there's one thing I could ask of all the people that read my blog, it's that you pray I don't have to go through this for much longer. Cause it's really starting to wear on me. I'm definitely feeling depression coming on.

So needless to say, I wasn't to even get a period this month according to her. So I have to take 12 days of progesterone pills (which is what the Clomid was SUPPOSED to make my body boost naturally) to make my period start and then I have to take the Clomid again this month. And we'll see if it works this time. I have to have blood drawn three times. Ugh. The positive? (I'm really trying to see as much positive as possible...work with me people!) She labeled all of my blood work and my appointment as ovulatory issues, so I don't have to pay for any of it out of pocket! Insurance will cover it because it's not labled infertility! So at least next month is "free".

I'll try to come up with something more upbeat for the "weekend edition"...so check back in a couple of days. For now, I'm going to eat the rest of a carton of ice cream, watch a little Must See TV, and let Kendall rub my back.

2 Hour Delays

I just want to say that I LOVE two hour delays. Here's the only problem...the guy who calls me on the phone tree isn't very good at it and I didn't get a call this morning until 6AM. Now that sounds pretty early to most of you, but usually we get like a 5:30 call. I was already up and showered today by the time the call came.

I, of course, tried to go back to bed. But I was already awake from my shower! So I ended up laying there for 40 mins and then said "screw it" and turned on the news. At least that was entertaining. And I did get to cuddle with my dogs.

Here's the other thing I love about 2 hour delays...the day is practically a waste at that point. The kids are all riled up and the periods are only like 20 minutes long. But...lunch has to stay at its regular time and length. So we end up getting hardly anything accomplished. So it actually kind of feels like most other peoples jobs. Haha, sorry, I couldn't help myself.

Baby Making Update

So I took a pregnancy test this morning, five days before my period, and it came out negative. The box says that only 53% of pregnant women get a result that early. Plus, I ovulated late this month. Which is a whole other story in itself....and it's retarded. If you want the whole story, call me.

I went and had blood drawn today and I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday. My period is due on Friday if my late ovulation hasn't lengthened my cycle. So maybe the doctor will get a different result. I'm trying not to get my hopes too high. I want to think that this is our miracle month and that I won't have to take any more of that stupid Clomid. But I'm not holding my breath.

As I told my friend Suzanne the other day, I'm the eternal pessimist now. It's so much easier to think that I'm NOT going to get pregnant because then I'm not as disappointed later on. But there's always that little hope inside that we can finally get pregnant and go back to having sex for fun...I know TMI. =)

And if worse comes to worse, I can still always dress Maggie up like a baby....

Outlet Malls

Can I just tell you that whoever invented the idea of an outlet mall was a GENIUS. A freaking genius. I spent the afternoon with my friend Angie. We hoofed it around the entire mall. It was such a beautiful day. We went into a bunch of fun stores. I ended up leaving with new socks, two new pairs of pants, 5 bottles of fun smelling soaps, and three calendars. I spent around 100 bucks and felt like I had purchased the bargains of a lifetime.

That's the best part about outlet malls, you feel like you've saved a ton of money, and in most cases you have. My favorite store is bargain shop in is the Pottery Barn outlet. You can go in there and see what the "rich people" probably paid for their product and realize that you're getting it for half the price. The best deal I've seen so far is the sleigh bed crib that the outlet was selling for 400 bucks. They had the picture from the catalog and it's like 800 plus shipping in the catalog. Who the crap would pay that much money for something they could get at half price. It just kills me. I hope that someday when I'm fabulously rich I remember what kind of deals I can get at the outlets.

SAKE!

Went to the Japanese Steak House today with most of the members from my team at school. Had a blast! Amy and Doug had never been to a Japanese place before so they'd never seen the grill antics. Our cook was pretty good. Although, his onion volcano was definitly lacking, which wasn't his fault. The kitchen gave him a lame set of rings and there were leaks. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you HAVE to eat a one of these places sometime.

I have to say. it was definitly more fun going with a large group. Kendall and I have gone several times in the past by ourselves. We've gone once with Dathan and Natalie. When there are other people there to interact with at your table that you already know, you can have a much better dinner conversation. If you know anything about the people I work with, we laugh constantly. Like big, hearty, long laughing. And needless to say, we're no different in public than we are in the classroom. So we really enjoyed ourselves.

After school today, a bunch of our staff went over to a local bar and we had some drinks...correction, they had drinks, I had Sprite. It's always nice to sit down and just socialize with your co-workers. I think that's why we have such a good building. Because the people that work in it actually LIKE each other. In my last school, most of the staff hated each other. So there were a very select few that I would even look at let alone sit down and have a beer with.

And, I just want to note, that I never had as much fun going out to lunch with my co-workers as I do with these people. I finally feel like I'm in the right place. Now if the kids could just be less squirelly.....

I'm going to be an aunt!

I think I've already mentioned this, but I feel the need to mention it again. My sister-in-law, Natalie, is just finishing her first trimester. She went in for an ultrasound today, and from the sound of things, my future niece or nephew is going to come out in one piece! So, needless to say, Baby Erdahl is doing well and is safe in the womb...for now...corruption from Aunt Lisa will come later. Hehe!

I do have to admit though...I'm insanely jealous. There. I said it. But it's still an exciting moment for the Erdahl family! And very soon I'll finally have someone to spoil more than Maggie!

A fun break to your day...

Brangelina Silliness

http://www.ew.com/ew/report/0,6115,1148103_7_0_,00.html

See! Even movie stars are having babies, why can't I??? Because they wouldn't be ILLEGITIMATE!!!!!!

One other thing...

Let me just say, that doctors need to get over their GOD complex. And I make sure I tell my husband this all the time...YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS. The patient is the boss. We pay YOU to fix us. And if you piss us off, we will go somewhere else!

I think that many older doctors are still living in the glory days when patients didn't question them. They need to realize that in today's world people are more educated and have the RIGHT to question the doctor's decisions and treatments.

When I ask my doctor why she isn't running tests, I deserve an answer. And I shouldn't have to wait two weeks until I'm sitting in her office (putting another 75 bucks into her pocket) to get that answer. Because I PAY her enough to get some answers over the phone.

Okay, I'm done.

Meet the Parents

So I had a meeting today with a student and her parents because the parents were concerned that there was a problem between Student X and myself. What started as an assumption that their daughter was failing my classes because we didn't get along and I was causing undue stress, became an interesting conversation in the assistant principal's office.

Basically it came down to this...the kid was failing every class and was giving the same attitude to all of the teachers. Once mom heard this, and the fact that her kid was angry all the time and telling everyone that he/she didn't care about peers, teachers, parents, then suddenly I'm not doing anything wrong.

The whole meeting was ridculous in the first place. My favorite part of meeting parents is when the parents finally realize that their kid has been lying to them and that *gasp!* the teachers aren't to blame...the CHILD is! Why is it that parents are always so quick to blame someone else and not think for a moment that it MIGHT be their kid's problem?????

BFF

I'm so glad that people actually read my blog! And I had to put this comment to my "Keeping in Touch" blog on the main site, because it truely touched me. It's good to know that there are friends who understand that even if we're apart now, we can be together again in the future. Suzanne, you are truely a best friend. (Now don't go thinking I'll name one of my children after you or something....Hehe!)

Suzanne Tate said...
Hi there! I think this is an appropriate time to share something that I truly believe in (yes, I do believe in something 8). People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someine is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed ouwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fufilled; their work is done. It is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It's real. But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Whether we talk daily or every 5 years, you're one of my LIFETIME friends... so you're stuck w/ me forever. 8> Good luck w/ that!

It's a miracle!

Okay, before you think I'm pregnant or something, it's not that exciting. Kendall FINALLY continued with our drywalling! Only one layer left! *Trumpets sounding!* *Voices gasping!*

I'll let you know when it's done. I may even take a picture and show you the finished product!

Ooooooooooh! Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

My bathroom is ALMOST ready to finish!

Keeping in Touch with Friends

I read my friend Karen's blog today. I went back to her reflections of 2005 and found my name attached to, "Most disappointing thing of 2005". She said she was disappointed that we lost touch. I wasn't quite sure how to take the comment. Was she implying it was her fault? My fault? Karen and I have always had a "tumultuous", but also very fulfilling, friendship. We both have a tendency to jump to conclusions, so I very consciously didn't read too deeply into the comment. But it did get me thinking....

How do we lose touch with the people who used to be the most important people in our immediate universe?

I started thinking about all of the people who, at one point, were on my list of "closest friends". What's amazing, is that many of those people are now on the "occasionally spoken to" list. What influences our circle of confidates? I've come to the conclusion that it's life experiences. Those people that I am closest to right now are the ones living my life, for lack of a better way to put it.

Among the people that I've lost touch with, some of them are married, some of them already have children. Some of them are still living the single life, and some of them have never escaped the great vortex called Parma.

Where am I? I'm in the "trying-to-have-a-baby-but-failing-miserably" phase.

My single friends don't understand the stresses of marriage, let alone the idea of actually TRYING to get pregnant. Most of them are still on birth control because of the FEAR of having a baby. My married-without-children friends fit into two categories: those trying to have a baby (the only group I feel I currently connect with), and those still enjoying the idea of just being with their spouse. My "new mothers" or "soon-to-be mothers" friends are involved in the joys of their child, whether it's in their living room, or in utero. Of course none of them are feeling the way I do!

Which leads me to what I said earlier- we surround ourselves with the people who most understand our life situation. Does it mean we don't care about the people that aren't currently as close? No. It means that someday they too will understand what we already forged through, and may need the support that we find with our current friends.

Which leads me to yet another conclusion: Friendships are cyclical. Just because someone isn't as close to us now, doesn't mean they won't be again later. So, while I appreciate that Karen must have missed me this year, as others may have as well, I hope that they can all understand that while we may not have much in common right now, I still love them and they're still my friends. Someday we'll all be on the same page again.

Hormones from Hell

Yeah, so I'm getting zits the size of Texas. One of them is festering and taking a long time to grow. Grossed out? Yeah! Me too! And it hurts! We better make a baby this month, cause this is gonna suck if we have to do it again.

Oh yeah, and I got a cold from some nasty person on one of the 4 airplanes I rode this week. GRRRRRRRRRR.......

I'm not going lie...

I downloaded the Hilary Duff Greatest Hits CD. There, I said it. Don't you dare judge me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!