Quick Update

We've had a really crazy schedule around here. Family has been in and out of the house over the last two weeks. We had a great Christmas. It was so nice to finally feel like a complete family at the holidays. A huge hole has finally been filled.

We've had a relatively easy time of it. Max sleeps several hours at a time in between feedings. He typically doesn't get cranky about much, usually just eating.

I feel like things are just crazy busy, even if I'm not doing that much each day. So I just wanted to post that things are going great and we're really happy...and really tired. :) I'll leave with a picture I took today.

P.S.

I've lost all but TWO of my baby weight pounds. :)

Finally Feels Like Christmas

Because of Max's birth, things haven't felt very holidayish around here. Sure we have the trees (We have 4. Yes, 4.) up and the garland on the banister. The presents are slowly being wrapped and put under the tree. But really, our whole lives have revolved around an infant the last 13 days. Between the hospital stay and recovery and a steady stream of visitors, we really haven't had the opportunity to make it feel like Christmas here.

Tonight we have a fire blazing, Christmas music playing, and we're making candies and cookies. It FINALLY feels like Christmas. :) Kendall has the whole week off and we're planning on sleeping in every day (in between our three hour feedings of course) and bumming around. We plan on having a fire every day. It helps that we have a ridiculous amount of firewood. :)

It just feels nice to be home right now. And to know that this Christmas we won't be alone. :) Thank you Lord Baby Jesus.

My Daily Crying Moment

Just a quickie here...

Today's moment of tears: I was sitting in the chair by our Christmas tree, holding Max, and I looked down into his sweet little face while he was frowning up at me and make cute little faces, when I realized that some day he was going to grow up and be a man. And that he wouldn't need me anymore...just like Kendall doesn't need his mom anymore because he has me. And I cried because I knew that I would remember this moment of his first Christmas season, when was just a tiny baby in my arms.

And writing this just made me cry again! :P

Roller Coaster

So I'm still surfing the postpartum wave of emotions. It's okay. I'm not like crazy depressed or anything, I just find myself at moments feeling extremely overwhelmed or extremely sad. Sometimes I cry for no reason, sometimes I feel like my reason is very valid.

My most overwhelming emotion is guilt. I'm sure I'm not alone in this feeling. Is it like something that invades your body the second your kid is born? I feel guilty if I didn't catch his poopy diaper right away and he had to sit in it for even 30 seconds. But then I also feel guilty if I hear him poop, right after I just changed his diaper mind you, and I let him sit in it for a few more seconds to make sure he's DONE pooping. I feel guilty if Kendall has to spend an hour awake at night calming him down so I can sleep. In turn I feel guilty if I then sleep after Kendall leaves for work for the day. I feel guilty if he doesn't burp every time he eats. Guilt is the most overwhelming emotion.

At the opposite end of the spectrum, I also feel extremely happy. I find myself at multiple times during the day thinking how great my dogs, my kid, and my husband are. I have great friends who are bringing us food and sending us cards and calling to make sure we're doing okay. Yesterday Jessica helped me fold clothes for almost 2 hours and didn't judge me for the size of the laundry pile. :) My kid smiles (even if they're not "real" yet) after he poops, he loves watching the Christmas lights on the tree in the living room, and he gets the hiccups almost as frequently outside of the womb as he did inside. But now I can actually see and hear them. :)

Life is pretty good, even if I am tired and my kid has pooped through his diaper onto his clothes three times this week. :) I just hope I'm not boring you guys with my kid. I don't really have anything else to blog about right now. My last 10 days have been all about him. And that's okay. I'll leave you with some pictures....right after I change ANOTHER poopy diaper! Just click on the picture below.

Max

Picnik.com

There's this website that another friend of mine found called picnik.com. You can do lots of fun things to photos. This was my first try at it. I thought it turned out pretty cute. The best part is that it's easy and I can make photos like this and scrapbook them and it's a million times easier for uncrafty people like me! Or I can just have a really fun photo album.

Oh, and my dad bought us an AWESOME new Epson printer. I've already printed off like 15 photos and they look just as good as if I'd ordered them at Walmart or Click. :) This helped after my meltdown.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I've only been a mom for a week and half of that time was spent at the hospital with lots of help!

Mini Meltdowns

So pregnancy hormones are still trying to leak out and I get these little melt downs every once in a while. Sometimes I feel stupid because I know it's just the hormones and I'm crying for no really good reason. But I felt like today's was totally justified.

My mom took me to the hospital to get Max's billi levels checked again. He's been wearing the UV light and we needed his levels to go under 12 in order to stop the light. It's a real pain in the ass to use because he can't wear it while feeding and you have to make sure to keep it out of his eyes so he doesn't go blind. At night I've been making Kendall get up to check and make sure he's still alive while wearing it.

While at the hospital, I decided to check in with the lactation consultant because my one nipple has started to crack and bleed and I know that can't be right. I wanted to get some suggestions. When she saw it she told me I needed to stop feeding off of it and give it at least 24 hours "rest" and should pump. She called the rental store and they told her they had a pump. So we rush over there because little Max hadn't eaten in like 4 hours. When we get there....no pump. They gave the last one away. ARGH!!!! I leave the store in tears.

On top of that, about a million different parts of my body hurt right now. My boobs, my incision, my right hand from the carpal tunnel, my bottom (TMI ALERT: I have like 50 zits from the stupid diapers they make you wear!!!!), and I was hungry. There wasn't time to eat before we needed to leave for the lab work. So I just couldn't take it anymore and started bawling in the car. I told my mom to take me home because I was a bad mother for letting my kid go over 4 hours without eating and if one more part of my body started to hurt I was going to scream.

We stopped and got Panera to go for lunch and I finally calmed down after eating and feeding Max off the one boob that's ok. My mom is out at Target right now buying the pump I registered for. And my kid is sleeping in my lap on his "Karen blanket" that they brought when they came to visit the other night. Ask Karen about the blanket, it's a cute story. She meant to bring me a "Lisa blanket" but really, in actuality she brought me a Karen one. :)

So after all of the running around and crying and feedings, I'm tired. I'm thinking of curling up on the Karen blanket too and trying to take a nap.....

Baby Steps

I thought that "Baby Steps" would be an appropriate title for this entry for many reasons...

1. We obviously HAD a baby. :)
2. Life is moving along at that pace.
3. I can't walk much faster than that right now.


We'll start with #1.

So Max was born at 11:42 am on Monday, December 8th. He weighed in at 9 pounds 13 ounces and was 22 inches long. So far he's dropped about 12 ounces, but my milk just came in, so I'm hoping to "fatten" him up again soon. He currently has jaundice and his billi levels are a little elevated so we have to put him under these weird lights and get his lab work done each day, but other than that, he's great. All fingers and toes are present. He's a big boy and doesn't look fragile. Many people comment on how he doesn't even look like a newborn. :) That's okay by me. In my mind, he's the most beautiful baby in the world. He's going to be People's Sexiest Man Alive some day. I mean, look at his father. :)

The actual c-section was just as terrifying in some ways as I thought it would be and in others not at all. I was pretty much in denial on Monday until they came in and made me get naked. Until you have to take all your clothes off and put on nothing but a hospital gown, it's not really "real". Then the mean nurse stuck me with the IV. That sucked. And that's about when i started crying and having mini melt downs. I had to answer a lot of questions. And get poked and prodded and hooked up to about a million different machines.

Many of you have not had a c-section, so I wanted to at least give the "highlights" without getting too long here....

They let Kendall stay with me when the nurse anesthetist gave me my epidural only because she heard that Kendall was a doctor. Totally worth the student loans for that moment alone. After they got me prepped in the room, they had me walk to the O.R. That was terrifying. I barely remember walking there I was so panicked. But what was I going to do? Turn and run out the door? Maybe.....

They had me climb up on the table and then they gave my my spinal/epidural. I totally blew it out of proportion in my head. All I felt was a stick from the numbing medication. And then a zing down my left leg when she gave me the medication. It worked VERY quickly. It started as just a cold feeling and quickly worked it's way to becoming a paralytic. That was a little scary not being able to move everything. The prep work was scarier than the actual surgery. LOTS draping and scrubbing and counting and things I couldn't see. Kendall was amazing and kept me calm. I asked them to NOT tell me what they were doing because I didn't want to know. The worst part was when they pushed on my stomach to get him out (he didn't want to cooperate) and then he was out! Disappointingly, I did not get to see him all gooey. I will regret that for the rest of my life. VERY upsetting. The screen they had up was just too high and the doctor was in a rush.

All of the nurses started gushing about how big he was and how much hair he had. My amazing husband didn't budge. He knew I was terrified. He just kept holding my hand. And then I sucked it up and told him to go be with his son. It took multiple coaxings on my part that I would be okay and then he ran over with the camera. I could cry right now thinking how excited Kendall's face looked. It really is the BEST moment of your life. Kendall ran back with some pictures on the camera and I got to see him for the first time. And then my kid peed all over the OR floor. LOL! The nurses just laughed and let him do it. Kendall got to see it. I didn't. But I'm sure it's a moment he'll never forget. And then, before I knew it, he was bringing him over to me and I gave him his first kiss. And it was over. :)

Recovery could take up a whole other blog entry. If you really want to know, email me or call. The least gruesome thing to tell you is that I have like 40 staples in my gut. Ask Karen, she saw them (because that's what good friends do, show each other their battle scars). And even four days later they still itch and burn sometimes. And what they say about childbirth is true for c-sections too, you have NO SHAME afterwards. You don't care what people do to you. And you don't care because you got the prize. :)

I'll try to write again tomorrow to talk about #2 and #3. :) I think this is enough to absorb for now. Plus, my kid is laying on my newly flatter stomach and isn't getting enough kisses from his mommy. So I have to go. :)

One Last Blog

Not sure when I'll be able to get on here again this week, so I thought I'd post one last time before heading to bed. In 13 hours my son will be born. I write that here and I say it out loud, and it still doesn't feel real. Kendall and I both agree that it's still pretty surreal.

Because it's scheduled and not a middle of the night rush to the hospital it seems almost like it's not really happening.

My mom is here, Kendall's parents are staying at his brother's house. Everyone is ready to head to the hospital with us tomorrow at 9:30. That's kind of weird. It's so planned. So orderly. So type A personality. :) Just the way I like it. While I'm still not thrilled about the "method" of delivery, a scheduled day and time are right up my alley. I even got to do laundry tonight. I'll be putting on makeup tomorrow morning. I'm even going to flat iron my hair. Now watch me have my water break at 3am. :P

My last minute fears now include:
1. Breast feeding for the first time
2. Knowing how to hold him (I always feel weird holding babies- I'm hoping holding my own just feels natural)
3. Getting sleep tomorrow night
4. Pooping for the first time after surgery (sorry if that was TMI)

I ran some last minute errands, saw the movie Madagascar 2 (B+), had a good dinner at O'Charley's, and made one last Target run. I even vacuumed the family room floor so that it's clean when we come home later this week. I feel prepared. But I still don't feel like I'm having a baby tomorrow. :)

I'll get pictures up ASAP. Thanks for all the well wishes you've been sending.

One last funny thought. Kendall and I were discussing how a c-section seems less traumatic for the baby. Instead of being squeezed out, they just get pulled out through a bigger hole. Kendall said it was like the difference between being pushed out of a car door and being squeezed through the eye of a needle. Still a shock to the system, but somewhat less traumatic in the long run. :)

Almost Time

I feel like there is absolutely no comfortable way for me to sit right now. UGH. I'm so glad that this is only two more days of feeling this huge. But I'm also still terrified of this whole process.

We went to the doctor yesterday and asked a lot of questions. Kendall knew most of the answers already, but I needed to hear them from the OB's mouth. Unfortunately, several things are not happening the way I want them to. First, Kendall can't stay with me when they give me my epidural/spinal. So I will have to hold some strange nurses hand while I cry. Second, he doesn't get to cut the cord. Because they have a sterile and non-sterile field in the room, Kendall would have to scrub in to cut the cord, and then he couldn't hold my hand while they were taking Max out. Kendall doesn't seem upset or disappointed (or he's a really good faker to make me feel better) so I guess I can't be too upset. I'm so lucky to have such a good husband.

We can, however, bring a camera into the room. I was worried that they wouldn't let us. I want that picture of me strapped to the table with my little hat on. Crying because I'm terrified. And I want the picture of them holding up that slimy baby when they pull him out of me. And of course, I want the pictures of him turning beet red and screaming while they check his lungs and count his fingers and toes. So that made me feel better.

I am fully prepared for him to not cry when they pull him out. And for him to be blue. I've watched enough c-sections to know that because they aren't "squeezed" out, they don't have the same coloring or lung function yet. I'll probably still freak out until I hear him cry, but at least I know that he might not at first.

I am scheduled for an 11:30 O.R. time, so he should be out by noon! I can't eat or drink anything after midnight on Sunday, so I'm sure I'll be pretty cranky by the time their done. I'm hoping that the elation of seeing my 10 pound child makes me forget I'm hungry. The nice part is that we don't have to be there at the crack of dawn and can take a little time in the morning to sit with the dogs and leisurely drive to the hospital.

All of our Christmas decorations are up and the lights are hung on the bushes. We've purchased all of the Christmas presents and just have to wrap them. We plan on spending Saturday and Sunday doing "couple" things. Movies, dinners, lazing about. Getting coffee. Things we can't do without a babysitter in two days. :)

So at work today I told the rest of my team that Friday would be my last school day. I had already been planning on taking some time off before baby (guess that won't be happening now) so they were surprised to hear that it was because he was actually on his way. Several of my co-workers agreed that we should ditch our plan period and go to the Pizza Hut Buffet for one last hurrah. :) That will be nice. We're going tomorrow in case something happens at my doctor's appointment in the afternoon.

I talked to another teacher who has had a c-section. She said she laughed during hers because everything felt like jello. Okay, I'm not anticipating laughing but it at least made me feel a little better. So did the comments from the moms who have had one before.

I'm still extremely nervous and spent most of last night either awake and thinking about it, or asleep and dreaming about it. I am totally ready for Max to be here. I'm just not ready for him to be here in that way.

Kendall admitted that he's worried about bringing Max home. We will be bringing him home by ourselves. Personally, I like it that way. My mom is going to come down for the first few days while I'm in the hospital. Then she will go home for several and come back to help me when Kendall goes back to work. Then she will leave and come back one more time for the holiday. We will get to bring Max home without anyone else hovering and that's exciting to me. Because if we drop him on his head, no one will see it. And if I change his diaper every 15 minutes, no one will judge me. Oh, and if we both cry because we aren't getting any sleep, no one will know. :) I've always been a pretty independent person and I like to try to do things on my own the first time. So for me, the fact that no one will be hovering over my shoulder telling me how I SHOULD be doing it is actually kind of exciting. I'm sure that family and friends will be in and out those few days we're by ourselves, but I'm up for the challenge.

And don't worry, I won't be afraid to ask for help if I/when I DO need it. :) Still attempting to think positive.....

It's time

Well, I went for my ultrasound today...........

Max's "current" estimated weight: 9 pounds 13 ounces
Max's current head diameter: Over 10 centimeters, the ultrasound couldn't measure any higher than 42 weeks 6 days. 99.81 percentile
Max's current chest diameter: The ultrasound couldn't measure any higher than 42 weeks 6 says. 99.84 percentile
Max's current femur length: 50th percentile

Needless to say, my prediction that I was having a "man child" are accurate. I called my doctor and asked him to call me back so we could discuss these results. He did, and by the end of his conversation with Kendall (I couldn't talk to him, I was too upset) and a two minute conversation with me, I was told I'm having a Monday c-section. No time scheduled yet. I will find that out at my Thursday check.

If I'm dilated on Thursday, there is a possibility we will do the c-section as soon as Friday because of the fear of me actually going into labor. The concern? He won't fit. It's just not physically possible. So if I went into labor, he will get stuck. No doubts. While we (me, Kendall, and Dr) all agree on that, I'm extremely disappointed that everything is turning out this way.

I can't even say that I'm very excited right now. I'm scared. Plain and simple. They're going to cut my gut open and pull out my baby. I'm being totally selfish right now. Yes, I'll have a baby. Please don't point that out. Yes, I'll be done with pregnancy, please don't point that out. The fact is, they're cutting me open, it's going to be weird, and sterile, and not at all what I imagined. And on top of that, I will have a painful recovery. Most likely a lot more painful than the vaginal way. So while I appreciate the positive sentiments and thoughts, I'm still processing. I'm TERRIFIED.

Here is my list of "positive" things I'm trying to focus on to gear myself up for this surgery:

1. His birth date will be December 8th- the Feast of the Immaculate Conception (Christmas on Campus to those UD people). Very fitting since he's our "miracle" baby the same way Mary had her miracle baby.
2. I only have to make it 5 more days, maximum.
3. Max seems excited. He's squirming a lot. Or maybe he's just picking up on my stress.
4. He's fat. I wanted a chubby faced baby.
5. He has hair, according to the ultrasound. Not sure how much, but I wanted hair.
6. He's still a "he". Got to see his little scrotum today (okay, sorry if that grossed you out.).
7. Our cleaning lady comes tomorrow so we won't have a lot of time to sh*t up the house before we leave for the hospital. Which means Max will come home to a CLEAN house.
8. I will have 17 days to recover before Christmas. Which means I should hopefully be feeling good enough to celebrate.
9. We only got one package of newborn diapers as a gift and asked for 0-3 month clothes instead of newborn stuff, so at least we planned ahead well.
10. He COULD only be 8 pounds.....