It's the little things

Obviously, if you read my last post you know I'm not exactly having a good week already. Our failed attempt at baby making affects all aspects of my life. I tried not to let it get to me at work today, but I kind of felt blase about the whole work thing when I got up today. I didn't really interact with the kids that much today, I made them do silent work. That's always nice....=)

So when things feel bad like this, all of the nice little things that people say or do start to add up and make me feel better. I'm going to make a list here to appreciate them all.

1. Last night we made ribs, twice baked mashed potatos, and strawberry shortcake. It was a great meal and it made me think of summer.
2. Then this morning Kendall packed my lunch.
3. The kids weren't total monsters for once.
4. At the staff meeting after school the school psychologist brought a bunch of cookies that were delicious, including one of my favorites- peanutbutter kiss.
5. When I got home today there was a card from Viki in the the mailbox with fun pictures inside. I look fat in all the shots, but there's a super cute one of Kendall. (See picture)
6. My friends left me some nice notes. Even if they don't understand what I'm going through, at least they're supportive.
6. My dogs gave me kisses.

A Classic Kendall "Look"- the official one I fell for.

And that's just through 4PM! I now plan on going to read my trashy romance novel. That always makes me feel better.

So once again, this month was a bust. That makes 13 busts. It's so depressing. It seems that every time it happens, I cry less on the outside and hurt more on the inside. It starts to bubble up and I can feel it simmering inside me.

I await the news every month that someone else is pregnant. That it was their month, not mine. I look to God and I ask, "Why? Why not me? Why not this month? Am I being tested? Is this supposed to teach me something?" I try very hard to understand why God would not bless us with a child. And i try not to be angry with him. But it takes a lot of strength.

So now I will take the day to cry and mourn my own failure. Tomorrow, I will pick myself up, try to dust off the disappointment, and move forward.

A friend asked me yesterday what I was going to do. My only answer is, keep trying. Here's to try #14...I can't stay stuck in the past, I must look to the future.

*Sniff*

I am sad, sad, sad. I'm going to go lay down and just be sad for a long while.

The Jessicas

Let me first start by saying, this in no way says anything about any of my other friends, I'm just feeling the need to say thank you.

I feel a need to pay tribute to two friends who have changed me as a person over the last year. One of them I feel I know very well, the other I am still learning about, but both have been great friends through some tough times recently.

I spend much of my free time with the "Jessicas" because of their close proximity to my house (one of them lives withing walking distance) and the fact that they don't mind doing the same thing with me almost every weekend...namely, eatting dinner, laughing at each others stupid jokes, and playing board games.

A bonus, our husbands all get along and most of the time have the same sense of humor. For example, Kendall likes to joke they're we're going to have "naked dinner". Today I called Jessica S and her husband yelled, "I want to play games where we have to take our clothes off!" They're both retarded, but at least they're not alone.

They've also significantly changed my outlook on life. While I was definitly a Christian before I met them, I never really had a close relationship with God. Because of these two women and their examples of faith, I feel like I finally have a better connection. This new connection with God isn't perfect, and I can't say I'm a totally changed person, but I can say that it has helped me with my anger and frustration and confusion.

I think I've put this picture up before, but I'm going to post it again.

I just want to say thank you for being such good friends.

Stupid Co-Workers

Let me first start by saying that in general, I love most of the people that I work with. I'd call them my friends. There are some people that I just tolerate and accept that I can't change them and I just need to wait til they retire or I leave. Then there are some people who just really piss me off.

So my boss comes into my classroom this morning and tells me I need to talk to the other teacher that I share a block of kids with. He says that there is some "confusion" from the kids over who needs to sign their high school schedules. I told him, "There isn't confusion, I told the kids yesterday that BOTH of their teachers had to sign approval." He just says, make sure I communicate with the other teacher. I condescendingly say, "Okay...." I hate it when he won't just come out and say what the problem is! What the crap is with "principal politics"? He can never just come out and say what's wrong and that's so DUMB!!!!!!

So then I'm talking with another teacher in my grade that teaches English and we're talking about approving College Prep English for kids. I told her that there are some kids who I didn't approve because they have terrible grades even though they're capable of the CP work. They just refuse to participate or do work. She got on her high horse and said that it was a hard call to make and we should probably be signing those kids into CP English so that they were at least absorbing the information. I argued that they weren't going to do any work and they were a waste of a seat and they might as well fail General English if they're not going to do anything. I told her what a waste of time it was from personal experience to have to deal with those kids in that classroom. It just creates more work for that teacher. She kind of got all stuffy with me and said, "You're assuming things work the same in this district as your old one. And the only thing you're changing is the teacher who has to do the extra work. Now the general room is full of kids who don't work. Teachers need to learn they can't always stay in their comfort zone. We have to do what's best for the kids."

What I wanted to reply back was, "You've never taught anything BUT 8th grade, so how would you know anything about high school politics. Furthermore, what's best for the kids is if they're not going to work in either room, what's the point of adding a kid to CP who's going to fail and poison a good classroom?" I refrained from any of this and simply said, "I disagree". Nothing's going to change this co-worker's opinion. She stands on her soap box much too often for my taste. While I think she's an effective teacher, I think she's reaching the time where she needs to retire.

Feeling like Tina Turner!

I'm so excited! And I just can't hide it!

Sarah Ford started a blog! And now I can read about her life on a daily basis. Sarah, I would like you to note that I said DAILY. Let me tell you from personal experience, if you don't post regularly, Karen will harass you through her blog. Shaming you publicly.

Nothing else to really write about. Just thought I'd honor Sarah with another spot in my blog to encourage her to continue writing in hers!

1950's aprons

So I got together with a group of girls from church last night and we started making 1950's style aprons. They're the waist kind with pleats and cute little pockets. My friend Jessica S. bought a pattern and made her own to show us. Overall it was an entertaining experience. It was also a little stressful, as I SUCK at anything related to sewing.

We got all of the pieces cut out and our trim pinned on and then realized that we didn't know how to operate the old fashioned sewing machines at the high school we met at. It was funny and frustrating. So now we have to get together at a later time to actually have Jessica teach us how to sew.

I bought enough fabric that I can actually make two aprons. So if my first one comes out cool I think I'll make one for my mom too!

Update: I just have to say that I can't believe how shocked some of you are that I've tried sewing. I know I wasn't that crafty when most of you knew me, but I was an artist for goodness sake! It's not that far of a stretch!!!!!!

Patiently awaiting

I'm trying really hard not to be impatient....but I'd really like to just know either way. I try not to read into my body too much. Syptoms of pregnancy and your period are so close in nature. I'd like to say that I just have a feeling that I am pregnant and that it's going to go well...but then I think I'll jinx myself AND feel really stupid when it doesn't happen.

It's just hard waiting. I won't be making an announcements even if I am pregnant until I know for sure that everything is okay...so don't expect anything on here about it any time soon....but just know it's driving me crazy!

Does Sarah Ford read my blog?

So I haven't spoken to Sarah in a really long time and it makes me feel like a big jerk. Because I honestly check her away message like 3 times a day to find out how she is. And yet, somehow I've neglected to call her. And I feel really bad.

So Sarah Ford, if you're reading this, I'm a big jerk and I'm sorry. And you need to start a blog or tell me where it is if it already exists so that I can find out more about what's going on in your life. Because phones don't exist anymore in my world, just blogs...haha....sorry....But what's sad, is I talk to some people more through their blog than I do on the phone...case in point: Viki, Karen, AND Sarah Williams! What's wrong with me?

Update: I'm going to have to assume Sarah Ford DOES NOT read my blog, since she has failed to comment....very sad.

My Gay Hairdresser

Doesn't my title just sound like a great FOX tv show waiting to happen?

Anyways, I went and got my hair cut this morning. I took the day off work so I could have a four day weekend. I figured it would be a good time to get in for a trim. And can I just say, I always love going to see my hairdresser!

We usually spend the whole time gabbing. And we usually follow a conversation pattern. Here's how it usually goes:

He likes to tell me about his boyfriend and all of the partying he's been doing. Then I tell him about school and all the monsters I teach. Then we usually bitch about annoying people in our life. For me it's usually my mother-in-law and some closed minded comment she's made since I last saw him (the hairdresser). For him it's usually his parents or extended family saying something stupid about his homosexuality. Then we spend the rest of the time checking out the other people in the salon and commenting on their attire. Isn't that terrible? It's terribly fun! That's what it is!

Today, there was a lady that had brought in her young daughter. They were both wearing matching pink velvet warm-up suits. On the butt of the mother's outfit there were rhinestones. And the best part, she was wearing heeled back boots with the ensemble. My hairdresser and I almost DIED. And then he said, "Only in Beverly Springboro Hills". We both started laughing hysterically...which only drew the attention of the mother. Which made us laugh even harder.

I love getting my hair cut!

Random post of the day

This thing is going to have totally random thoughts in it today.

First of all, I ovulated! I know that's not super huge news, but everything is going correctly this month, which means are odds are much better of getting pregnant! So now all I have to do is wait out the end of the month.

Secondly, Maggie ran away two nights ago. Kendall came home from work and the dogs rushed down to say hello as they usually do. She must have slipped out the door while we weren't looking. We had no idea she was gone until the doorbell rang and there was this nice lady holding our happy dog. Thank God we have collars on them with our names, address and phone number. The dogs disappear on us so much that we didn't even realize she was gone! It was crazy. She acted pretty weird for about 15 minutes and then she was fine. It was almost like she was in a daze. I'm sure she was happy to be home!

Third, I had parent teacher conferences Tuesday night and I will again tomorrow night. It amazes me how many parents don't care until a report card comes around. And they're always shocked and amazed to hear their kid is failing. When we ask if they've seen any homework, they always say, "No, he/she said they finished it at school or didn't have any". I swear, some parents are retarded. You should have to pass a test to become a parent. Have at least a little common sense???

Fourth, what's up with the weather? It was like SNOWING on Monday, today Kendall is out grilling in 55 degree weather, and tomorrow it's supposed to hit 60! I'm wearing a skirt tomorrow! I've been wearing flip flops these last two days when I run errands. And then the weather man said that by Friday it'll only be a high of 30. MAKE UP YOUR MIND WEATHER!

7 years

Kendall and I have been "together" for 7 years today. We went to Denny's on our first official date on this day 7 years ago. I ordered cheese sticks, he had a ceasar salad. I'd already eatten dinner, but I lied when he called because I really wanted to spend time with him.

Who could have known that our first date at Denny's would turn into 7 years of togetherness and already 3 years of marriage? I probably don't say it enough to him, but he really is my perfect match and I can't imagine where I'd be without his love and support.

A carry-over from Karen's blog

Okay, this is really bothering me, and I have to get this out there.....

So Karen and Jim are working out the getting a new house bit. I told her not to buy a McMansion. I have to define McMansion here....

By McMansion I am not necessarily referring to all new homes. I'm referring to the ones that are built cheaply. If it sounds too good to be true when you go to build/buy it, it probably is. When I say cheap, I mean the following:

1. Hollow doors- They look like they're made of wood, but you could put your fist through it with little effort.

2. Cheap molding- It may look fancy, but if it's painted, it's probably cheap. Go for stained molding so you can see the product you're getting.

3. Thin/sparse drywall- My brother has told me that on NUMEROUS occassions in 200K + homes, he's used caulk to seal gaps between the ceiling and the walls where the drywall people got lazy and skimpy and just didn't connect them.

4. Poor insulation/sealing of drywall- Once again, my brother has told me that he's used caulk to seal insulation into walls, especially in garages. Now you may say to yourself, it's the garage, but think about what's ABOVE the garage, most of the times some type of bedroom. Or next to the garage, usually a mud room, which means the inside of your house.

5. No basement- I'm sorry, but if they were too cheap to put in a basement then the house isn't worth it. Everyone should have a basement. We live in a tornado region people! Plus, where else are you going to store all of your useless crap? I'll tell you where...a spare bedroom! That's not what that room was built for! Where am I going to sleep when I'm a guest at your house? Not the crap room!

I hope this has entertained and educated you at the same time. So, my final plea to everyone looking at buying a new house...please don't buy a house that I will secretly and disdainfully have to call the "McMansion"!

Not going to stress....not going to stress....

So I STILL haven't gotten a positive result on my ovulation predictor kit. I know that they say you can ovulate anywhere from 5 to 10 days after taking the last Clomid pill....but I normally would get a positive test today. The line isn't completely gone, but it's not nearly as dark as I think it should be.

I'm trying not to freak out right now, but it's really getting hard. I'm actually on the brink of tears. This is the most frustrating thing I've ever done in my entire life. I really don't see how it can get much worse than this.

Please send some positive vibes my way. Okay, too late, I'm crying.

Baby Drew Wilson

My friend Amy had a son last night. We still don't have all the details, but I'm hoping to stop by today to see her. It's strange, I've never been this excited about a baby. Granted, I can remember being happy when my brother and sister were born, but I think I was also a little bitter. My father was starting a new family, a new life.

Other friends have had babies recently, and I wasn't this excited. Maybe it's the fact that we haven't been that close as of late. I can't say that Amy and I are best friends though. I think the part that makes it truely exciting is that I got to see Amy throughout her entire pregnancy. I got to hear the stories. I got to feel the baby in her belly.

I've just come back to this entry after spending an hour shopping for things for Drew and Amy with the Jessicas. It was fun, and a little overwhelming too. I'm so happy for Amy, and yet torn up with jealousy as well. I've decided to go see her by myself. I think it will be better that way.

Update: So I went to see Amy and Drew and no sooner do I arrive, they take Drew away for his circumcision...OUCH! I stayed and visited with Amy for over an hour and got lots of gory details (which I wanted to hear). Then they brought the little guy back and he was so cute! I held him for about 20 minutes, even stopping at one point to pinch his little chubby baby cheek. I just have to say that newborns are the cutest little things! And on top of all that Amy is being super cool about everyone holding him. It's so nice that she's laid back about it. I hope I can be that cool about it when I have a baby. Now I REALLY want one.

My Doctor is Weird

So I called the OB/GYN because I was worried that I had a positive ovulation strip on day 9 of my cycle. I was also concerned that my temperature was in the 96 degree range. So I called to ask if this was a concern. Here's what I don't get...

The doctor herself called me back. But then she kind of yelled at me that she couldn't give me any answers over the phone and I would just have to wait it out til the end of the month when she could see all of the data at once. It seemed that I wasn't allowed to ask her questions, because every time I asked one, she snipped back at me. For example, I asked her if having a temperature in the 96's was abnormal and she snipped "No." I told her it was jumping all over the place and she snipped, "I don't want to hear the temperatures, you're just going to have to wait til the end of the month so I can see the whole chart." Then she told me to stop taking the ovulation test kit, but then changed her mind and told me to keep taking it through day 16.

She's so weird. And mean. I can't wait to get pregnant so I can leave her for a nicer doctor. Because there is NO WAY she is delivering my baby if she's going to be this snippy every time I have a question.

What I'm really saying here, is why didn't she just have her nurse call me back if she wasn't going to answer any questions? Her nurse is more polite and the doctor wasn't going to answer anything anyways. Whatever.....

Terrible Mood

So I'm in one really rotten mood today, here's why....

1. I'm exhausted! I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm tired all the time! And no, there's no possible way I could be pregnant. When my alarm goes off in the morning, I can barely get out of bed.

2. My basal body temperature- it's all over the place. The lowest it's been is 96.0. The highest, 96.5. The last four days it's been 96.5, 96.2, 96.5, 96.0. What the heck is that?

3. The monsters at school- I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO done with being treated like dog crap. I'm done taking kids lip and I'm done with their laziness. I feel like worksheeting them to death. They don't respond to lecture. They don't respond to recordings of the stories. They seem to work okay silently, so maybe I'll go back to that. Regardless, I'm done being treated like their servant or scum of the earth.

4. Stupid pee sticks- So each day my ovulation test kit strips has been different. I have no idea if I'm going to get a postive test this month. Last month I didn't and so now I'm totally paranoid and freaked out! If I don't ovulate again this month, I really might kill my doctor for putting me on the Clomid.

5. Stupid people who have stupid sex- The girl at school who got pregnant by accident last spring after having sex ONCE, just told us today that last night she thinks the condom broke while they were having sex. Her baby is like 8 weeks old. If she gets pregnant AGAIN before me and by ACCIDENT again, I might kill myself.

6. My new glasses- I can't figure out of the prescription is wrong or what, by my eyes feel like they're straining today.

So here's what I need. Everyone needs to pray really hard that I:
A. Don't kill any of my kids
B. Don't quit my job
C. Don't kill my co-worker if she gets pregnant again
D. Don't throw my glasses away in frustration
E. Get pregnant this month so I can stop whining about it and feel normal.

Secret Teacher Code

It's two blogs for the price of one today folks! Too many funny stories to tell!

So when we have kids in the classroom with us during lunch for a detention, it really can put a damper on our conversation. So we've devised all of these fun code conversations.

For example, we have one particular student that REALLY gets under our skin on almost a daily basis. We refer to him as "Sweetheart". The kids have no idea who we're talking about, and we get to vent.

Today's conversation went like this...(Secret code for, "How's the baby making coming?")

Amy: So Lisa, how's it going?
Lisa: Well, let's just say we're in the "hard part" of the month.
Amy: Lucky you!
Lisa: Yea, I'm ready for this to be over. I'm tired of working TWO jobs. Last night me and my "coworker" almost went on strike. We had to sit down at the negotiations table and work out a "schedule".
Jon: So what you're looking for is one full time job and some volunteer work?
Doug: The problem is that right now you're trying to make a profit.
Lisa: Yea, if we were okay with being in the red, work would be a lot more fun.

You get the idea. It's highly entertaining for us and the kids think we're just being retarded. And if they're smart enough to figure out the convo. of the day, then they deserve to listen in.

Ahhh! It's SPURTING!

Okay, so did the word SPURTING catch your attention in the title? Cause it totally caught my attention today when the nurse dropped her little cotton ball while drawing my blood. She couldn't reach a fresh one and said to me, and I quote, "You might want to look away because it's probably going to spurt when I pull the needle out."

WHAT?!!!????!! Now I've seen those movies where people get their heads cut off. That's what I call SPURTING. I was totally prepared to see the "black gold, Texas T" effect on my arm. Like shooting out of the vein. So when I looked away and then looked back, I was VERY disappointed. Instead of it shooting out of my arm, it just globbed up in a big ball while she ran for the cotton ball.

Yes, I said I was disappointed, you didn't read that wrong. She said SPURT, I wanted SPURT! Needless to say, we both got a really good laugh out of it afterwards.

Disconcerted

May I just note, that my blog from the weekend just totally disappeared! I have no idea where it went! It somehow got deleted! I hope this isn't becoming like China where they start censoring my Internet materials!

School drama

So I know that in the grand scheme of things, this is trivial to complain about, but sometimes I think my school district is run by people like that Career Builder.com commercial....if you know what I mean. For fear of losing my job, I won't say "monkeys"....oops, I said it.

There are so many stupid things that happen on a daily basis. No one can do things the easy way. We always have to make things difficult and costly. I was talking with a co-worker this morning and in the 15 minutes that we talked, we single-handedly solved the land crisis in our district. We also solved the color printer issue...kids are using up too much color ink in the library (OMG, somebody call the National Guard!) Here's a solution that's easier than yelling at everybody...just don't buy color ink! Kids can live without it!

I think if we had had an extra 10 minutes, we might have been able to solve world peace too...here's my point...you need COMMON SENSE to run a school district. Sometimes I really don't think that my employers qualify in that category......

Thank you!

I feel the need to publicly acknowledge Sarah and Karen for prompting "commenting" on my blog. Karen noted that she was suprised to hear that some people were reading her blog. I wonder how many people read mine? If you read my blog, leave a comment with this entry! That way I know who my audience is! If you don't have a blogger account, then just leave it as an anonymous post and leave your name in the message!

Karen and Sarah, no need to reply, I already recognize your dedicated reading of my random thoughts. I'm leaving you a blue ribbon with this entry.

Okay, just one more...I SWEAR!

I just want to say that it's kind of annoying that no one ever comments on my blog. What the crap people? I comment on yours! A little appreciation would be nice! Okay, so I'm just being retarded...but I want to feel loved too!

Yes, I'm degrading myself by begging for blog comments. And I have no shame.

Two Thoughts, One Blog

Okay, two totally random things I need to say, and then I'm done blogging til the weekend...

1. One of my new favorite snacks is UnBuried Treasure White Cheddar Corn Puffs from Trader Joes. I just realized as I was stuffing them in my face that they taste like Kix (the cereal that's Kid Test, Mother Approved) with white cheddar cheese. As gross as that may sound to some of you, I think it's DE-LICIOUS!

2. I start my Clomid again tomorrow. I better freaking get pregnant this month! Stay tuned for what I'm sure will be another episode of "Lisa's Five Days of Word Vomit"!

Yoga! Yoga! Yoga!

I went to yoga for the first time this past Saturday. I was skeptical at first. My friend Jessica G-J asked me if I wanted to go. I was making jokes with her on game night that I might not be able to find my "inner self" if I was falling over and trying to protect my "outer self".

My initial reaction: When we arrived Saturday morning it was dark and quiet in the room. The instructor was speaking quietly with several people already on the floor. Jessica brought her own mat, so immediately I felt at a disadvantage. I had to use one of the cruddy ones the Y has. It wasn't long enough. I took off my shoes, but I refused to take my socks off due to the fact that I have claw feet right now.

The actual class: The entire process was a bit weird for me at first. There is no "beginners" class at the Y. Pretty much, you show up, you watch the instructor and the other people around you, and you are doing yoga. Jessica says she's trying not to make it competetive. I laughed at first when she used that word. But if I'm being totally honest, competetive women like Jessica and myself can't stop even during a time of inner searching. I found myself on several occassions comparing myself to the people around me. Were they more flexible? Was I doing the move wrong?

By the end of the hour we had stretched just about every part of our body and to be frank, I felt fabulous! I really felt like I got a workout and at the same time, my whole body felt better. My back felt amazing!

The best part of yoga: I didn't sweat and I still felt like my body got a workout.
The worst part of yoga: Not talking for an hour. But I guess part of finding the inner you isn't talking to your yoga neighbor.

Needless the say, the final verdict: I already told Jessica I'd like to go back with her again this Saturday. Now I just have to get a pedicure...and psych myself up for another weekend of not sleeping in.