The Passing of a Friend

All of my blog readers are also Facebook friends and so you probably know that we had to put Morrie down this Tuesday. I just wanted to put a note here on my blog to note this sad occassion.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it, but over the last several months Morrie has been having seizures. They started off mild and were very sporadic. They seemed to start after an incident he had with vertigo. Most likely the cause was some type of developing brain tumor, but we were realstic in the fact that we were not willing to spend thousands of dollars on testing to learn what we already knew- our dog was old and he was getting ready to die. We decided to only prolong his life until the quality declined and he was unhappy. He started having accidents in the house about this time as well.

Over those months Morrie seemed relatively happy. He still had some spunk. He was starting to really struggle with the stairs and he started to sleep more and more. His hearing and vision also started deteriorating and he started to lose weight, no matter how much he ate.

While we were gone on our road trip to South Dakota for 10 days, Morrie had a seizure almost every day. The day he came home he jumped out of the Suburban and landed right on the top of his head. He had 4 seizures that day, one of which occurred while he was sleeping in the middle of the night. That's when we knew it was time to take him to the vet and end his pain.

If you've never put down an animal, it's quite a surreal experience. As Kendall said to me that day, it's hard because you are making the active decision to end your friend's life. Driving to the vet was hard. I felt myself wanting to turn the car around at every stop sign and red light. I kept telling myself that maybe he was okay. That he wouldn't have anymore seizures if we just let him rest more. When we arrived the staff was very compassionate. They got us into a room very quickly.

The vet came in and explained the process to us. Kendall had never put down a pet before. They gave Morrie a sedative so that he would lay down and relax. There would be no fight or stress over the I.V. Unfortunately, the shot stung and he had a mild seizure while Kendall was holding him. It was hard to see but also justified that we were doing the right thing.

However, as the doctor inserted the I.V. and injected the medication to stop his heart, my rational mind seemed to disappear. I kept thinking to myself that this wasn't really happening. We weren't really killing our dog. We couldn't be. This was just some type of sleeping medication. I woud never consciously kill my friend. In that last moment I didn't feel like anything I was doing was right. "You're just killing your friend," I said to myself. The rational part of my mind couldn't be heard over the pouding of my heart. I could imagine myself yelling, "No!" and stopping the procedure. But I KNEW we had to do it. I had seen Morrie suffering just hours before at the house. And while my heart ached to stop the process it also ultimately knew that I didn't want my friend to suffer any more.

We watched as he slowly stopped breathing and his entire body went limp. Those last moments were very peaceful as we stroked his head and body and spoke loving words. We spent a few more minutes with him after he passed and gave him our last kisses. We held each other and cried over the loss of our first dog/furry child. And the most difficult part of the whole experience was leaving his little body lying there on the table.

We are having him cremated and bringing the ashes home. They will come in a little cherry box with his name on it. I'm not sure what we'll do with it. I think I'd like to bury the ashes and keep the box. I think Kendall would like to keep him in the house. I just keep imagining the boys finding the box one day and then living out that classic sit-com moment of fighting over the box, the ashes spilling on the floor and Morrie ending up in the Dyson and then buried in the ground outside with cracker crumbs and hair balls. Not really my ideal situation. :)

Two days later my heart still aches when I think about him. Nights are the worst for us because Morrie slept in our room and it's so quiet now. We're used to hearing his snoring and snorting and heavy breathing. Maggie is a quiet dog and Michael doesn't snore...yet. So it has been hard. I know the days and nights will get easier, but I told Kendall that I was just starting to feel like my heart didn't have a hole in it (with the two boys) and now that Morrie is gone, a part of it feels empty again.

I think we'll leave Maggie as an only dog for now. She will probably thrive from the extra attention and honestly, I'm already changing diapers on two kids and trying to get one of them to poop on the potty. I don't really have time to get a puppy potty trained too. Especially since I'm getting ready to go back to work. I feel guilty leaving Maggie at home all alone while we go to work, but I think she will adjust. We'll all have to adjust. But it still hurts an awful lot.

Three Weeks Old

It's been a rough week here.

Michael has been gassy and fussy and not wanting to nap the last several days. Today he seems back to his "normal" self (normal for three weeks old) but the last several days were scary flashbacks to Max with colic. Lots of walking and jiggling and me crying. I ate my lunch in the car yesterday so that he would fall asleep. I cried the whole lunch. And then I ate whatever I wanted the rest of the day because I was so bummed out. I'm such a stress eater. The bright spot of his week is that I had the girls at Kendall's office weigh him again today. He's half an ounce short of 10 pounds! At least that made me feel like he was really getting what he needed, even with all the spit up. I commented to Kendall that I thought he was finally feeling like Max. I was right, he now weighs as much as Max did at birth. So he's only about 2 weeks behind his big brother. Already competing with big brother and barely 3 weeks old. *SMH*

Max has also been asserting his "toddlerness". He has fought us every morning this week about getting up and dressed and ready for school. He wants to stay home with us. I knew this was going to happen. Mommy and Michael are still in their jammies and Max wants to stay home too. We have had to be the mean parents every day and make him get dressed and get in the car. While it pains me to see him cry and go into time outs over something so silly, I can't cave. If we start caving now, imagine what he would become? We have been so consistent with our rules and our behavior that I can't just quit because I'm tired. Even though that's what I really want to do.

I've also been having a "fat week". I have to keep reminding myself that I'm only 21 days postpartum and that I was still wearing maternity clothes at this point with Max too. I'm just so tired of wearing them! I want to wear my real clothes again. This time around my skin stretched A LOT (hello stretch marks!) and it's just not bouncing back. Nor is my umbilical hernia. I'm worried that my belly button is going to permanently stick out until I have it repaired. Which I won't do until we're done having children. And I'm pretty sure we're not done. *sigh* Oh well. The price we pay for babies.

Two Weeks Old!

So I went back and read all of my entries from December of 2008 during Michael's morning nap. And found myself with tears streaming down my face by the end of the entries! Hormones, fatigue and the utter happiness of my entries had me feeling very emotional. And it also made me realize that many of the feelings I had almost 3 years ago are still present now.

I certainly wasn't as terrified of a c-section this second time around, but I did still have butterflies on my second walk to the OR. I'm amazed at the amount of love that immediately blooms in your heart the moment you see your baby, whether it's your first or second child. And I'm very grateful for all of the kind thoughts, notes, FB posts and gifts that have flowed into our house, even with a second baby. I don't feel like Michael has been "stiffed" as the second child.

It was good to go back and read about how tired and emotional I was with Max. Because I really didn't remember much of that time except for the sheer happiness of bringing home our special boy. As some of you know, having your own children, it's TWICE as exhausting when you already have a child and then bring home a newborn. Not only am I getting up in the middle of the night to feed Michael, I'm also getting up at 7 to get Max ready for preschool and help Kendall get out the door. And I've only done it 3 days! LOL! I can't even imagine how tired I will be when I go back to work at the beginning of November. Coffee is my best friend in the morning. I'm NOT a napper.

Michael is a good baby. He's not as alert as Max was in the early days. He has already established a pretty good pattern (that I'm sure he will change just to throw me off). He eats, stays awake for an hour and then sleeps for an hour or two. Then his belly growls and he wakes up to eat again. And then the cycle starts over again. I love being able to spend time with him one on one. I feel a little guilty that we're sending Max to school every day, but he really does like it there and the teachers have said he's been happy all week. No crying or whining about wanting to come home. So that makes me feel A LOT better about our decision to send him back full time. He comes home every day with a new story about what he did or who he played with or what they had to eat.

Max is doing amazingly well. He seems to take the attention Micheal needs in stride. He LOVES asking me when I'm going to feed Michael "milk from my boobies". LOL! He doesn't seem to mind that I have to spend that time not playing with him. And he likes to sit next to me while I'm feeding Michael and just lean on my side and talk to me or watch TV or have me read him a book. I hope this continues.

I also want to try and be diligent about documenting Michael's days because I want to be able to come back and read about these days when HE is almost 3...and we're maybe welcoming our third child home! (Yes, even this soon after birth my heart still feels like 3 is the right number! I'm crazy!)

Life With Two Boys

July was a rough month for me. I had Max at home with me almost full time and I was feeling HUGE. The heat was almost unbearable and we spent most of our time indoors. I couldn't take him to the park or the zoo, it was a struggle at times to just get over to Kendall's office to have lunch. I had a lot of swelling and belly pain. I started having contractions, especially when stressed. I definitely couldn't wait for August to get here.

FINALLY August 19th arrived. It was an emotional day. I was struggling to not feel guilty that I was bringing home another child to divide my attention from Max. I was nervous that things wouldn't go as smoothly in surgery as they did the first time. And I was terrified of the pain of recovery, even knowing how I did the last time. While some fears were warranted, others were proven wrong. Max is IN LOVE with Michael and doesn't seem to bear me any ill will for bringing him home. He's been extremely helpful- getting diapers, trying to calm Michael when he cries and looking out for him when we ride in the car.

However, my recovery was not as easy as the last time. I've heard this is common with second babies and c-sections, but I just wasn't prepared for how tough it was. Everyone said I did great and that I was really getting around well those first few days, but it sure didn't feel like it. I was able to manage pain without taking crazy pain killers and that could be why it was a little more difficult. I also had a really bad first night in the hospital (a different one than last time) and that didn't help either.

Other than that, everything feels just a little easier with a newborn. My milk came in faster, I understand how to get him on the breast and didn't have near the problems I did with Max. I'm not quite as anxious this time around about crying. Sometimes babies cry. After Max's colic, I think crying got a lot easier to hear. I am a little worried Michael will have colic. He is already showing gassy tendencies. We will probably be dealing with reflux again at the very least. The poor kid is like a fartmonica. He's also starting to spit up and he's only 12 days old! I'm less anxious when he's sleeping and have even managed to get a shower and ready for the day before lunch time without breaking a sweat!

I still kind of can't believe I have two boys. I think if we had had a girl this time, it might seem a little more real, but sometimes I look at Michael and forget it's not Max lying there. So many of their newborn facial features are the same. Michael has a lot less rolls (his legs are actually SCRAWNY) and he got my fingers and toes and his hair is much lighter, but his eyes, ears, nose and mouth are so much like Max it's uncanny. They even wrinkle their brows the same way when distressed. But Michael is his own child. He is already showing signs of his own personality. I can't WAIT to see how he grows and changes. And I can't wait for the age when he and Max can finally play together and be BROTHERS.

Max Update

Sometimes I look at Max and I think, "Wow! You're such a big boy!" He speaks to me in complete sentences and is able to tell me anything that he wants or needs. If he doesn't know the word for something he will directly ask me, "What is this called?" He then repeats the word (without my prompting him anymore) and then tries to use it again to ask for whatever he wants. In these moments I puff with pride and I think to myself, "You're so smart!" One of my favorite words that he uses (and one of his favorites to use) is "hilarious". He understands that it's a bigger word for "funny" and has taken to using it more and more frequently. I KNOW that he has gotten this word from me because I favor using it rather than just plain old "funny".

His vocabulary also includes lots of new animals. We look at animal flashcards a lot. He knows the difference between African and Asian elephants, the difference between bactrian and dromedary camels, he knows at least 6 different types of horses and that they can come in different colors. His favorite horses right now are the Clydesdales (which he sometimes calls the "beer horses" courtesy of his FATHER) and Falabellas. I think he just likes the way the name rolls off his tongue though. :) He very specifically asked if we could see the Okapi at the zoo this week. Unfortunately, it was hiding. But I love that he's learning obscure animals. Mostly because I learn them too then.

We have been trying to teach him about where things are located. For example, he knows that he lives in Troy, OH. While he doesn't know what the name of our street is yet, he can tell me which way to turn in town to get to our house on many major roads. A friend was in the car with us the other day and when we passed the entrance to our neighborhood to take her home he yelled out, "You missed our street Mommy!" My friend was amazed. He just takes in so many things. He also knows that his friend Maddie lives in Xenia and that the zoos are located in Columbus and Cincinnati. He knows that Grandma and Grandpa Hoag live in Cleveland. Just so smart!

Being home together for the summer has been enjoyable and aggravating all at the same time. There are days when we have a lot of fun together and then days when we both have complete meltdowns at the same time and we are both yelling and crying. I know that some of that is due to my fatigue and pregnancy hormones and the fact that he's only 2. But we always make up and hug and kiss each other at the end and say we're sorry. Inevitably being home together makes Max ask me to do things more than Kendall. He prefers me at times over his daddy. This has not been the case prior to summer vacation. It hurts Kendall's feelings sometimes, but I just try to remind him that Max and I spend a lot of time together and it's only natural that he would think of asking me something first.

We've been taking a lot of new trips this summer. New zoo, new parks, new museums, and trips to a real movie theater! We've enjoyed them all and i hope to be able to do a few more trips before Michael's arrival.

The transition to Max's new room went really well. He likes it a lot and I'm pretty sure he has forgotten that the other room even belonged to him. It is now baby Michael's room.

So all around a good start to summer. :)

Are We Afraid?

So today on CNN, there was an article about New York signing into law same-sex marriages. I had seen several other friends post things like "Way to go New York!" and decided I wanted to take it a step further and post the actual article. Which led me to thinking, "How many of my Facebook friends will be offended by my post?"

While I find that most of the time my friends have similar beliefs to mine, I also find there are times when I am VERY surprised to find out that some of my friends are keeping "secrets" about their beliefs. I know that not all of my friends would call themselves "Liberals," I don't know that I could even really say that (okay, I probably could on MOST issues) but I know that many of them would say they have liberal tendencies or beliefs. While one friend might say that they support a more conservative approach to taxes, that same person also would claim to be Pro-Choice. Then again, I'm also guessing that some of my Pro-Choice friends would say they are NOT for the legalization of gay marriage.

My real question is this- are we afraid to tell our friends what our beliefs are because we don't want them judging us? I admit that I did hesitate for just a second before I clicked the "post" button on the article. Was I going to cause some of my "friends" to get upset with me. I decided that anyone who really was my friend and disagreed with my opinion wouldn't be afraid to tell me that they disagreed. But they also wouldn't stop being friends with me just because I support gay marriage. I've never really been one to shy away from sharing my opinion, and I want to project that message to Max (and in 7 weeks Michael) that it's okay to share your beliefs with others...even if he decides his will from with his mother's. :)

Baby Love

Where has the time gone? I'm so grateful though that it's already the end of May and I'm only 9 school days away from being off until November 1st. I am completely ready to spend the summer with Max and then have Michael at home with me for several months before returning to work.

Michael is growing like crazy! He's already in the 82nd percentile for his gestational age. I can only imagine how quickly he will be past the charts and he's not even born yet! Max was only in the 65th percentile at this same gestational age and was 9 pounds 13 ounces and two weeks early! I sure hope those 0-3 month summer clothes I bought fit! We will certainly be surpassing all newborn clothes and diapers. And of course, bringing home a giant chubby baby. I get an ultrasound every 4 weeks to monitor growth. I am hoping for either an August 8th or August 15th delivery date. I'm thinking my doc will set that date in one of my early July appointments and not make me wait til the last minute for planning purposes.

Max is in love with his baby brother and he isn't even here yet! He talks about "Baby Michael" at school all the time. He talks about the things they will do together when Michael gets here (go to the zoo, play with the dogs, eat pizza, etc.). He kisses and hugs my belly and sometimes even talks to it like he can talk to Michael. He tells me that he will hug and kiss him when Michael is "outside of your belly". It is an AMAZING experience to see your first child start to connect with your second, even in utero. I'm so lucky to be having a second pregnancy. There were definitely times I felt like that would never happen. I just can't wait for Michael to get here!

The Terrible Teacher

So I mentioned in my last post that there is a teacher on our team that is TERRIBLE. She's new to the district this year and from day one, things have been weird.

"Miss Q," as I will call her, has a disability. It's a visual disability. She's legally blind. It's obvious. Her eyes go in two different directions and she can't look you straight in the eye. Now if she had just been honest with us from day one, I might feel a little differently. She has NEVER told us just how blind she is. As a matter of fact, she has never actually mentioned that she's blind. Obviously, we notice that there is something wrong. I'm sure she assumed that. But if she had just addressed the white elephant in the room from Day 1 and said, "Look, I know it's obvious that I have vision issues, could you guys help me out if you hear the kids are doing anything they shouldn't be in my rooms," I would probably respect her a little more right now.

Her vision issues do contribute to her ability to monitor a classroom. And while I am all for equal opportunity employment, junior high classrooms is NOT the right placement for this disability. Some examples of things that have happened under her "watch": (pun intended)

• A student in her 1st period class was throwing a paper airplane out the window almost every day until another teacher caught him doing it.
• Students in her 2nd period class stuffed the heater full of paper. It started spewing smoke and paper when the boiler was turned on this fall. She had no clue they were doing it.
• Two students in the same 2nd period class were getting up out of their seats and pushing the call button for the office. When the office would call to ask what Miss Q needed, she would tell them she hadn't called. They would then do it again. She had no clue what was going on
• Students in ALL of her classes raise their hands and never get called on when they need help. She will ask the room if there are any more questions and students will raise their hand and WAVE IT around. She says, "Alright, moving on then..." (This has been observed by other classroom teachers.)

These are just a FEW of the things she can't "see" happening in the room.

Other issues stem from her actual instruction of the content. She teaches the WRONG material. Or teaches it incorrectly and then has to reteach it the next day. The kids are lost. The other math teacher is actually pulling 25 of her algebra kids two days a week to review material that she has previously taught so they aren't behind for math next year. I've actually observed her teaching a class where the students are laying their heads down in frustration and shouting out that they don't understand what she's teaching them. She just pushes forward. I had to ask her to postpone her last exam because I had sobbing students in my classroom.

Additionally, she loses papers. Honors students who don't ever have a missing assignment are coming up with "missing work". They are very upset. Some of these kids are so upset that they come to our classes crying. Others have gotten angry. Some have their parents calling the school. Some are even photocopying their homework with parent signatures and dates on it each night so they can either turn that in when she loses it or prove that they've already done it. Now we know that some students are being manipulative and "claiming" that she's lost their work. But many of the kids are telling the truth. They can prove it.

Their parents are pissed. The assistant principal fielded 80 phone calls just last month about her. I'm worried that students are going to revolt and take over the classroom.

Then the bomb dropped: She told us today that she won't be returning next year. Which probably means she's been non-renewed on her contract. The weird part: She told us she might not be finishing THIS year. We're not really sure what this means. Is she quitting early and burning up her sick days? (She has enough to take the whole last quarter of school off.) Or is there something else we don't know? (i.e. She's been asked to resign early because things are SOOOOO bad.)

I hate to say it, but I'm glad she's leaving. I don't wish her any harm and I know in this economy it's hard to find a job, but she's TERRIBLE as a junior high teacher. She's just terrible as a teacher in general. She's living with her parents, so I'm not worried she'll be out on the streets. I just don't think that it was fair to anyone involved this year- students, parents or other teachers.

Life Has Gotten Away From Me!

So blogging is obviously not the priority that it used to be for me. A two year old, a job, a house and a husband have all contributed to having less time to write to you, my adoring fans. :)

Here is what has been happening in our lives since Christmas:

Max

• He is fascinated with what he calls his "back crack". Lord help us, he's also fascinated with OUR back cracks. Just this morning he tried to poke me with a bottle of soap. Kendall finds it hilarious. I do not.


• Loves the number 2. When you ask him how many of something are in a picture, his first number is always 2. Even if there is only one.


• He is refusing to wear jeans, cords, khakis. He only wants to wear "comfy pants" which are sweatpants and swishy pants. Sometimes we can convince him to wear "pajama jeans" if he is in a good mood.


• Also loves his pjs right now. He would wear pjs all day long if we would let him.


• Max now knows all of the basic shapes: circle, square, triangle, rectangle, star, oval


• He is still fascinated with Christmas. Wants to sing Christmas songs, sleep with his Santa blanket. Maybe it's because we still have a tree up in our front living room. Hmmm...


• Favorite TV: Dinosaur Train and Thomas the Train. I'm so tired of watching these shows.


• Favorite Movies: Cars & Madagascar (which he calls the "Animal Movie")
  
• Favorite foods: hotdogs, pickles and chips. If you ask him what he wants to eat, he will tell you this combination almost every time. Of course, he doesn't get this every time, but he still tries. In the morning he says pancakes. I've convinced him to eat oatmeal on a few occassions. :)


• He has named our baby "Bunny". No idea why. I'm pretty sure he understands the concept of a baby. I'm also pretty sure he has no idea this baby will be coming home to live in our house some day. :)

Kendall

• He seems to be getting a cough back. I have forbidden him to get sick again.


• Has started working out again. He's able to do most of his exercise routine without getting out of breath. The pneumonia really kicked his butt.


• Found out he's allergic to pigeon poop. And that it is the most likely cause for November's pneumonia. We have no clue....


• Is very busy at work. It's stressful sometimes.


• Has been doing an amazing job of taking care of me and Max. I'm just so tired at night right now.


• Is going to join a curling club at Hobart Arena in March. He's excited. I'm hoping he makes some new friends.

Me

• Hoping to feel normal soon. Well as normal as you can while pregnant. I graduated from my fertility doctor. I now just go to a regular OB/GYN for the remainder of the pregnancy. I stopped taking progesterone suppositories and am hoping my stomach starts to feel better soon. It seems to hurt after every meal right now. Not really sure why. Found out I have another cervical polyp (had one with Max). This will cause spotting throughout my pregnancy. JOY.
  
• Had a 6 day weekend with the ice storm at the beginning of February. I was ready to get back to work. The students weren't. I don't care. We're working.


• Went through a short spell where I actually DIDN'T hate my job. That hate has returned. It's mostly just because of a few co-workers. But it may get even worse if they don't fire the terrible new teacher on our team. I may just lose my entire work ethic if she gets to stay. I'll have to devote a whole post to how terrible she is.