Mixed Feelings

So this week has been quite the roller coaster of emotions. Here are the highlights:

Monday- Overwhelmed- I had to go in to work because I don't have that many sick days banked yet. I knew that when I used them all up with Max I would be putting myself in a precarious situation, so I can't really complain all that much. It was totally worth it to stay home with him for 4 months. But it also means I'm very selective about my days off. So when I went in Monday I was trying to catch up from two days of sub notes AND trying to plan for two more days of subs notes. The kids were pretty good and the subs didn't suck, so by the end of the day I felt like I had a handle on things.

Tuesday- Disappointed- I had taken the afternoon off because Kendall was supposed to be coming home from the hospital. It didn't happen. They wanted him to get a few more doses of IV antibiotics in his system before releasing him. So I had to come home and get the house ready for our cleaning lady (pick up junk, get out the cleaning supplies) and then I headed down to the mall for a few hours. I ended up not finding anything (I was hoping for some retail therapy) and the bras that I bought ended up being a failure. Overall, by the end of the day I was frustrated and exhausted. I spent a few hours playing Yahtzee with Kendall at the hospital and then had to come home and get Max ready for bed.

Wednesday- Encouraged- I headed to the doctor Wednesday morning to see if the cyst that had formed on my ovary was finally gone. It was another month of not being able to do any fertility treatment and I was ready for some good news. Fortunately, the cyst is gone. So I have ordered my drugs (let me tell you, 500 dollars on fertility drugs is NOT the way I want to be spending money right now!) and start my shots again tomorrow. We have decided to go back to the more expensive treatments. It's what worked for Max. We were hoping to get away with the cheap method. It wasn't working. So fingers crossed this works. Kendall also got to come home! I picked him up at 1 and we drove around getting his medicine and equipment that the hospital wanted him to use. Unfortunately, Max also developed a slight fever that day.

Thursday- Frustrated- Max woke up with a fever of 103. Poor kid was barely keeping his head up at 7am after a full night of sleep. Fortunately Kendall was staying home the rest of the week, so I headed in to work. I was worried about them both all day. Kendall didn't really get the rest he was supposed to and Max's fever still didn't go away. I had to run a bunch of errands and take out the trash, and I found myself thinking that I wouldn't mind a few days rest in the hospital....

Friday- Exhausted- After all of the errands the previous night, I had flopped in to bed. Because Max had slept so much of the day on Thursday, he decided to wake up at 3am. Kendall took him downstairs to watch tv for a little while and give him some more Motrin but I was still up and tossing and turning. So I was a little short on sleep. The day seemed to go by quickly, but I had many things to take care of for next weeks two day field trip. I'm behind on grading and feel like I REALLY need the Thanksgiving break. Max peaked a fever of almost 104. I hope it's not too serious.

Saturday- Impatient- Today I am getting impatient. I am trying to be understanding with Kendall. But I feel like he's milking it a little bit. Yes, he had pneumonia. Yes, he's still recovering. But YES, I have been busting my butt for two weeks. And YES, I want his help with a few things. I'm ready for this to all be over. And to just enjoy my freaking holidays. Hopefully this next week is a little more even keel and I can sit back and relax and enjoy my family and be thankful that they are all HEALTHY!!!

I Might As Well Blog About This

So the last couple of weeks haven't been the greatest in the Erdahl household. When I left for DC two weeks ago, I had just found out that the cyst on my ovary still wasn't gone and that I'd have to go back on two more weeks of birth control. Kendall was also still coughing and sick. Kendall was able to make it through most of the week without me but at the end of the week he almost passed out at work and his blood pressure went really low. They sent him home.

That weekend he was sick the whole time. I barely felt like I got to recover from walking 20 miles before I had to go back to work. Kendall went to work Monday and again felt like passing out. They gave him iv fluids and vitamins and sent him home. He stayed home for several days and attempted to go back to work again.

Wednesday night Max woke up at 11pm and was spewing macaroni everywhere. It was sick. It smelled awful, his bed was covered, he was covered and I got covered. Not the most pleasant parenting task. Let's just say I won't be eating the mac and cheese from Panera any time soon.

Thursday seemed to be going okay. Max was doing well. I stayed home from work with him. And then at 3 pm I get a phone call from Kendall that he almost passed out again and they wanted him to go to the ER. So I packed up all of our stuff and headed out to pick him up.

We then spent the next 7 hours in the ER. Fortunately, my friend Leslie helped out and was able to watch Max until my in-laws could get over to our house. Kendall was admitted to the hospital with right lung pneumonia. He was coughing so hard he was puking. He BP was down to 90/56. I was worried. The ER doc basically said that Kendall had tried everything he could to stay out of the hospital but it was probably time to give up and get admitted.

That night I headed home to get some things for Kendall and started to not feel well. Then the stomach flu hit me. I barely got the things Kendall needed to him and back home again. It was awful. I was up on the toilet all night. I spent the entire next day in bed crying because I didn't feel good and because I had pretty much abandoned Kendall at the hospital.

Yesterday I was feeling a little better and my mom was able to come down for the night. I sent my in-laws home to get a break. They went a little too eagerly for me. It kind of hurt my feelings actually. But I got to spend some good time with my mom and she was a big help with Max. Last night we also got some more bad news. Our friend Tom (one of Kendall's residency buddies) was diagnosed with cancer last March. Everything seemed to be going fine. But last night we found out that the chemo has stopped working. And instead of telling us, he just stopped eating and didn't tell anybody. So another residency friend got a call to come out because things were bad. We learned last night that Tom probably won't make it to Thanksgiving. It's just horrible timing for horrible news.

Today things looked up a little. Kendall got a different antibiotic and it seems to FINALLY be working. His lungs sound better and he's feeling a little better today. My mom helped me set up the Christmas tree in our family room because it will probably be a while before Kendall is up to lifting heavy things and putting the tree up just made me feel better. I love Christmas. It will forever be my favorite holiday because of little Max. He came home with us 12 days before Christmas. I have pictures of him all tiny (tiny for HIM) and helpless in front of the family room tree. So I wanted that tree up first. There aren't any decorations on it yet, but it's up and glowing and it makes me feel like my break from work is near.

Unfortunately I have to go back to work tomorrow. I don't have that many sick days to burn since I used them all up with Max's maternity leave a few years ago. I need to save in the hopes of another baby. So I will head back tomorrow, exhausted, and then take off Tuesday to get Kendall home. (I HOPE.) I go back to the doctor Wednesday to see if that f*cking cyst is gone yet. *sigh* I need some good news.

Life As We Know It...

It's too freaking busy! I don't have time at work, at home- anywhere- to update this freaking blog.

Me:

• Hate my job. HATE HATE HATE it. My arch nemesis has been a total bitch. She's crazy this year. I actually went and said something to my boss about it after she actually yelled at me in front of kids for no reason. I put my hand in her face and told her to stop and walked away. *sigh* I can't wait for her to retire.
• Want to be a part time teacher. I just need to find someone to share with me. Oh, and the 25K I'll lose going to part time. Have to find that too. Not really sure how I'll do that....
• Am failing at getting pregnant again. After miscarrying in March I have been totally unsuccessful. Getting tired of this drama. Just want it to happen again. *sigh* May have to take more drastic and expensive measures to make it happen. Not happy about that.

Kendall:

• Has actually been enjoying his job I think. Been busy, which is good for us at the end of the year when it comes time for a bonus. I'm hoping we actually get one this year. Last year we got stiffed. Not even a Christmas bonus. All of his money went to paying the practice off. I keep telling myself, "Only two more years..."
• Doing a phenomenal job of taking care of Max and me. I have been exhausted lately. He's been keeping up more on cleaning the house and getting Max ready in the morning and evening.
• Is working crazy hours this month at Urgent Care. Trying to save as much money as possible for our baby-making woes. They are cutting his hours there after November 14th. He thinks it's stupid what they're trying to do. He's the only doc that works there that actually owns their own practice. The people trying to change things don't even practice medicine. It's all stupid. We'll see how long the changes last...or Kendall working there.

Max:

• Speaks in three word phrases: I did it! I get it! I got it! More milk please.
• Enjoys discussing pee and poop: I pooped, I wet, Mommy pooped (even if I'm standing at the stove making dinner!), Daddy pooped, Grandma pooped
• Also enjoys discussing his nudity: I'm naked! Mommy's naked! Ernie is naked!
• Asks for shows that he wants by their actual names now: Manny, Timmy, Horsie Boobie (he means MOVIE), Ernie Bert, Choo Choo (Chuggington)
• Loves to boss us around: Stop it! Go away! No don't do that! No! I want didi (his pacifier- he named it) I go potty! (he sits on the toilet fully clothed most of the time)
• Ridiculously obsessed with horses. Movies, books, stuffed animals, plastic animals, on TV, in real life. He has a stick horse and cowboy hat and rides around the living room yelling, "Yeehaw!" Then mommy and daddy have to do it too. Actually refers to himself in the third person as "Cowboy Max" sometimes. He is going to be a cowboy for Halloween, horse and all. He's actually ridden a pony all by himself! He wore the bike helmet and everything and held on to the pommel! What a big boy!
• Likes coloring. Actually asks for his crayons and coloring books now. And he wants us to color with him. Directly asking us to color. Handing us crayons. Instructing us when he wants us to use a new color. Understands the colors pink and white pretty consistently. All other colors are a crap shoot.
• Every day he does something to remind me that he's no longer a baby. It makes me sad AND happy. I can't wait until he can talk to me even more and tell me everything he's thinking. And yet, I so want another baby at this point that I don't want him to grow up because then he won't want me anymore!

Okay, gotta go! Max is having a melt down and bath time is over! Time to go watch some Ernie Bert and then send him to bed!

MWAHAHAHAHA!

I just found out that school is no longer blocking Blogger! EXCELLLLLENT!!!! Maybe I'll actually try to find some time to blog now!

Update on Life:

• I have a cold. Ick. :(
• We are back to the doctor again this month for baby #2. I'll keep you posted
• Max is waking up every day at 5-freaking-30!!!!! We don't know why or what to do. Any suggestions?
• Kendall is working crazy hours at Urgent Care because after October he may not be able to get very many hours there. Long story.
• I am ready for this freaking hot weather to go away and fall to arrive. I love my fleece vests! They hide my fat! Bring on the 40 and 50 degree weather!

Byyyyeeeee!!!!!!

Randomness

• Max has started using phrases: it's broke, apple juice, no more, one more, all gone, don't talk now (the last one was a well timed and probably coincidental phrase!) He also has new words every day. It's hard to keep track. He's started using the word "horse" sometimes instead of just the sound. He busted out the word "paper" the other day. I love that he's such a little sponge!
• I'm not sure if I've mentioned this already, but Max tells us when he's pooped his pants. He says, "Butt," because I always say it's time to change his stinky butt. Haha.
• We took a trip to Cleveland last week. We were there to landscape my mom's front yard so that she can prepare to sell her house and move to Troy. She's getting pretty serious about the whole thing. She hates her job and wants to leave her neighborhood. She's even looking into taking the civil service test. Many public jobs require it. The landscaping only took us a day and we were able to spend the other days vacationing. We went to Huntington Beach, Put-in-Bay and were able to spend a good amount of time visiting family. The trip has me convinced that we HAVE to take a trip to the beach next summer.
• I've been going into work to "get ready" for the school year. So far all I've accomplished is moving my desk to a new angle and unpacking my personal effects. Oh, and lots of talking with other teachers. I don't think any of us are really ready for this year to start. I have a feeling that it's not going to be a very good year. Several other teachers said the same. There are too many factors to list here, but I'm hoping we're wrong.
• We got a new teacher on our team this year. I haven't met her yet but I've heard that she's legally blind. Blind enough that she's not allowed to have a driver's license. It makes me wonder, how will she be able to actually do her job. How can you manage classroom behavior if you can't SEE the kids. I'm very interested to meet her and actually see how she does.
• We asked my brother to give us an estimate on what it would cost to have him paint a few rooms in our house, including Max's "big boy" room. He very graciously offered to do Max's room for free. Which is not cheap. He has to sand the walls to remove some old glow-in-the-dark paint and I want one wall of the room to be a dark navy blue. I also want a bold navy blue stripe to circle the room on the other 3 walls. Even knowing all of this, he's going to do it. Now we just have to get him down here to really do it!
• I have been reading a lot of books lately. Especially science fiction and distopia books. I'm eagerly awaiting the release of Mockingjay on August 24th. I've also found several other trilogies and series that have piqued my interest. I have to say I've found that I'm more of fan of a series than individual stories. I like being able to follow characters over multiple adventures. One of my favorite reads this summer was Rhett Butler's People. If you are a fan of Gone With the Wind you will enjoy the spin that was taken with this book.
• I am ready for fall.

Accidental Pregnancies

This is probably one of my MOST opinionated entries is a while. You've been warned.....

I knew that we would be going back to the doctor this month to try another round of fertility...IF everything looked good on my ultrasound. Unfortunately, it didn't. I have a very large cyst on my right ovary. The side where I had my ectopic pregnancy. It's so big that they want to put me on birth control for a month. Ugh. This means another month down the drain. What a waste. And on birth control I can't even TRY on my own. So frustrating.

So after that tidbit of bad news, I went into work today to rearrange my classroom a little bit. One of my coworkers and good work friends came into my room to tell me she's 4 months pregnant. And it was an "Oops". She's about 16 weeks along and didn't want to tell me until she thought I was feeling better about our last miscarriage drama. Which I greatly appreciated. But she also mentioned that she also had to deal with her own feelings about this surprise first. She's not happy to be having a third child. I appreciate her honesty and I was a good friend and listened to her complaints.

But inside it left me feeling angry, frustrated and sad. It feels very unfair when people tell me they are "accidentally" pregnant. Why them? Why not me? I WANT to be pregnant! I'm also amazed at the sheer number of people that find themselves in this situation. Again, it feels unfair. Some people are excited, albeit a little overwhelmed. But many of these people are NOT happy about their situation and want to complain to me about it. I find that to be incredibly insensitive on their part. If you need to complain, don't do it to me.

It's just one of those things I can't be a good friend about. And I thought people would know that. Mostly because these people KNOW the struggles that Kendall and I went through to get Max and the new struggles we are encountering with a second child. We've never been quiet about it (which I'm sure could prompt a whole OTHER blog from my friends :P). While I can sort of understand the frustration of things not going the way you have them planned, I think it's kind of selfish to complain. What I want to say to them is, "How inconvenient for you that you're fertile and can easily create the miracle of life inside of you. It must be so hard to be normal."

Because for women like me, being dysfunctional is something I think about every day right now. A woman who is trying to have children, but can't, thinks about it all the time. And when you lose a pregnancy, you never forget it. I am still marking the days from this last drama in the back of my mind. I think about how far along I would be. How big the baby would be. How I would feel it moving inside of me. I have another friend who has suffered two losses and still doesn't have a child. She has an incredibly strong faith and yet even she has moments of doubt and anger. To both of us, an accidental pregnancy would be a joy and miracle.

And the loss feels even greater when you have a child. I didn't expect it to be that way. I thought I would handle it even better. Already having Max would be my comfort. But it's not. It's a cruel tease. Because I HAVE experienced pregnancy and motherhood, I know what I am missing out on when that baby died.

I should clarify here that I'm not complaining about ALL types of pregnancy groans. Hearing a woman complain about a pregnancy that she is excited about and WANTS is totally different. These women are still happy about the baby growing inside of them. But as every woman who has experienced pregnancy knows, there are just times when you HAVE to complain or you'll explode. I would gladly listen to (and HAVE listened to) those types of aches and pains moments. It's different. It's wanted. But even when you're happy, it's still HARD to be pregnant. I just don't want to hear how you don't really WANT this baby that God has gifted you with. Those people should just shut up when I'm around. :P

To redeem my friend a little bit, she did say at the end of her complaints, "I just had to sit back and say that God had this happen for a reason. It was his will that created this life and there MUST be a purpose. And that made me feel like I could do this." And while I'm still incredibly jealous and just a little angry with both her and God, I have to agree with her. There's a reason she got pregnant again. And I have to believe there is a reason I haven't and that in time, God will show me why.

July

I can tell you right up front, this entry will not be my best one. I'm just not in the mood to write well. Hell, I might not even edit it. *gasp!*

Things around here have been busy. Before this week Max and I pretty much spent every day he was home going somewhere that he could play. I knew that August was going to be busy and he was going to spend a lot of time at daycare. So I wanted to make the most of July. And the weekends have been full of visitors- both family and friends.

Just this week Natalie had the twins. Their names are Aleah Marie and Eliana Estelle. And because my blog is private, I can say this- I don't like their names. My s-i-l always picks such prissy names. And frowns when we try to give them nicknames. Anna is always called Annaliese by her parents. I think it's a mouthful. I didn't like her name either. I know, I know, it's their kid. But we all have to use the name too! And SHE has to go to school with it! So fortunately, Max can't say their names. He calls them Lili and Eli. Also fortunately, Natalie thinks it's cute that he can't say their names. Secretly, I'm going to pay him to keep saying those names until the cute factor doesn't count. Maybe by then the nicknames will STICK. Haha.

I am desperately clinging to the last weeks of my summer. Only 3 weeks left after this one until I am back to work full time. That....makes...me...sad. Plain and simple, I don't want to go back. I like the routine that Max and I have at home. And I like having a clean house. Kendall doesn't clean. And so unless I am home to put everything away, our house goes to shit. Case in point- we've been at the hospital all week visiting and trying to help out where we can. Our house- shit hole. *sigh* I've had to get up two days this week at my normal work time to go to summer workshops. Both days SUCKED. :P I have to do it again tomorrow. It will suck as well.

We got some interesting news this week on the get-a-sibling-for-Max front. Catholic Social Services informed me that we are eligible for their next home study group. This is a big surprise to us because we never repaid the fee to go back on the waiting list. We just told them to put us at the bottom and we'd let them know. I guess that meant we got to work our way back UP the list again. Which means that adoption is still a very REAL and CLOSE possibility for us. Which both comforts me and tears my heart out at the same time.

It helps to know that adoption is still an option and makes me excited that we wouldn't actually have to wait 'til Max as almost 4 for it to happen. It kills me to think about because as bizarre as it sounds, I so want to be where Natalie is right now. Recovering from another c-section. I'm not sure what that's supposed to tell me. I feel like my heart really is open to the idea of bringing someone else's baby into our home and making them OUR baby. But because of Max, I think I would always question whether we could still have more biological children. Maybe this is God's way of telling me to take some time off from killing myself to have a biological child. And maybe we could come back to it later when we wanted a third. Still a lot to think about.

Some quick things about Max and I'm outta here!

His latest favorite: Up and Down. He will use any prop he can get his hands on to demonstrate the concept of going up and down. Sometimes, when there are no props available, he'll use his body to go up and down. It's pretty funny.

His new favorite toy: General Red. A big plastic horse my mom bought him when she was here to visit for my birthday. Kendall wanted to name him General. I wanted to name him Red. A nice compromise was formed. Who cares what Max wanted to name him!

18 Month Check up: Weight- 28 pounds (50th to 75th percentile), Height- 35 inches (95th percentile- child, stop growing! This will put him FOR SURE over 6 feet as an adult.), Head Circumference- 53 centimeters (OVER the 95th percentile- which means he has a VERY large brain. Just the way I like 'em!)