Peeing on Trees and Other Nonsense

Me:

• School has been very stressful.  Our school finances are not in good shape due to Kaisch cutting 10 million dollars of our state funding over the next 4 years.  This means that we had to ask tax payers for money sooner than we anticipated.  (Don't even get me started on the way we fund public schools!)  They voted NO in November.  Very disheartening but also understandable.  I blame the district for not getting information to people to make informed decisions.  I also understand it's a tight economy.  I DON'T understand how the community thinks we can make do with less when we already are.  We have an excellent treasurer who has always planned ahead.  We've always been in the black.  Teachers are on a hard freeze for salaries (and trust me, we are NOT even close to the highest paid districts) and took a 5% increase in our health insurance.  We also forfieted an type of performance pay to save additional jobs.  The district cut 32 jobs this year and anticipate another 32 next year, even with a pass on the August levy.  I'm worried I won't have a job after next year.
• I'm trying to decide if I want a third baby.  With the potential to lose my job I don't know how that will affect our finances.  I also worry about how it will affect me physically because of my umbilical hernia.  It got much worse with Michael and I worry it wouldn't take the strain of a third baby weighing on it.  I also worry that I couldn't handle any more loss.  Would another miscarriage be it?  Could I keep trying?  In my heart I still think I want a third baby.  Even if it IS a boy.  :D  Mark Simon Erdahl has a very nice ring to it.
• Counting the days til summer vacation and our family trip to Florida.  I can't WAIT to do something FUN.  It's sucked so much at work that it carries over to home.  I need some time away.  As Bill Murray said in What About Bob?, I want to be on vacation...from my problems!!!!
• I'm reading the Fifty Shades trilogy.  They're HOT.  And slightly overwhelming...this coming from someone who has read MANY a romance novel.  Some people are calling them porn.  I'd disagree and say they're "erotica"....which is just a PC term for porn.  HAHA.

Kendall:

• After numerous tests it has been determined that he is allergic to THE WORLD.  Not much we can do short of allergy shots and medication....oh and ripping out all of the carpet in our house and putting in hard wood to reduce dust and dog hair.  :)
• Work has been good.  He's been seeing a good number of patients and we may FINALLY see a performance bonus for the first quarter of 2012!  I'm finally starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel to at least that portion of our debt and hopefully a way to settle up some on the med school debt we're still paying off!

Max:

• Kendall has been telling Max for several weeks now that on our road trip to Florida in 3 weeks he will have to pee on trees on the side of the road when he has to go to the bathroom. That there will be no time for stops along the way. Max is now fascinated every time we get in the car and travel on the highway. He points out trees and asks if we can pull over and let him pee on them. We get home yesterday from strawberry picking and Max says, "I want to pee on a tree!" He then drops his shorts and starts waddling around the front yard with his "parts" hanging out. I about died and started laughing. I told Kendall he was going to have to indulge him and show him how to do it in the backyard. So he took him to a tree and told him how to pee standing. It was a HUGE hit. God help me......
• Max is also waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Which is great because it means we won't be putting diapers on him at all very soon. But two nights ago he came TEARING into our room screaming, "I've gotta go pee!!!!" Which then caused me to shoot up out of the bed and spend the rest of the night dreaming that he was in our room watching us sleep! LOL! We had a talk about how he needed to come in more quietly and not scare Mommy and Daddy. This morning he came in at 5:20 and very quietly went into our bathroom and turned on the light and then quickly dimmed it ("So I wouldn't wake up Mommy.") and then had trouble getting his diaper off. LOL! The joys of a 3 year old.
• Avengers CRAZY.  We have all of the masks and weapons and what not.  T-shirts galore.  It's adorable.  Some day he will hate the world and be anti-everything as a teenager and I will be able to look back at the video and pictures of him re-enacting Avengers fight sequences and smile fondly.
• One of his newest entertainments is to make up his own stories and adventures and tell them to us.  Sometimes they're about us, sometimes a favorite cartoon character.  He also likes to sing the wrong words to songs and see if we notice.  What a cutie!
• Still loving his little brother.  Thank God. 

Mike:

• Since I've been a neglectful blogger a lot has changed in almost 6 months.  He can now crawl, and babble and eat baby food. He's always eating table foods.
• Babble entails mama, dada, momomo (more) and baba (no clue what this means)
• He already has a sense of humor.  Sometimes he'll put his mouth on my arm or my leg and make farting noises and then look and me and laugh and laugh.  I LOVE his smile.  He scrunches up his little nose and opens his mouth a little and makes this adorable little eh eh eh noise. 
• The crawling has been more of a challenge this time around because now all of Max's unsafe toys are within reach.  We now have pointy objects and sharp corners that we didn't have before.
• Still loving his big brother. Thank God.
  
  
  

 

Life is Too Busy

I was such a diligent blogger when Max was a baby and already Mike is suffering the effects of a house with two children.

My transition back to work was no where near as smooth this time around. I returned to work on Halloween. I was not ready. Mike was only 10 weeks old, such a drastic difference from Max who was 16 weeks old. And then I only worked for 7 weeks and spent the next three months at home again. This time around I got a brief two weeks for winter break and was back to the grind again in January. Fortunately Mike did not have colic and is an overall good-natured baby.

So I figured I'd do an update here for each of the family. We'll go from youngest to oldest. :D

Mike

• He can roll over from his back to his front in both directions with relative ease. He does not understand how to roll onto his back again. I've been told that this is unusual for a baby to master back to front first. Both of my boys did this though.
• He has found his toes. And he has also found that he is flexible enough to put them into his mouth. This provides hours of entertainment for him as well as big brother who thinks the concept of eating "toe jam" is HILARIOUS.
• He has been babbling up a baby talk storm. He has said the words "daddy" and "hi" in that babble and Kendall assures me that he's REALLY saying daddy. I'm not buying it. 24 weeks is a little too young for him to be using words.
• We've been having a problem with baby cereal. For a good stretch of time Mike was doing just fine with his twice a day cereal. Then we started adding formula to his diet (I'm just not producing enough now that I'm back to work and pumping) and suddenly he was projectile vomiting the cereal. We've started making some changes and seem to have him back on it at least once a day.
• Tried peas. He hated them. Max loved them. Just goes to show you that all babies really ARE different. May try green beans this week. Kendall thinks we may have to bribe him with fruits first. I know, a big no-no. We'll see.
• Drooling/teething like crazy
• Smiles a LOT. Such a happy little guy. Makes me feel good when I go get him.
• Total mama's boy right now. I hold him and he calms almost immediately. Also makes me feel good. :)
• Not sleeping through the night. Every 3 hours he's up to eat. UGH. So not what we had with Max.

Max

• Obsessed with his "wiener" and the wieners of all other people, animals and super heros. He likes to point out the anatomy of just about anything he can. While it's funny in private (no pun intended!) it's not so great when he shouts about it in public.
• Potty training, oh how I loathe thee. At home we can't get him to do anything regularly. He's telling us he has to pee when he wakes up in the morning and right before bed. Any other time he just does it in the diaper or Pull-Up. Poop is getting better. He gets a reward for poop now. He's always so proud of what he plops in the toilet. I'm not pushing him though. He'll do it when he's ready. If there's one thing I've learned, you can't rush potty training. They'll do it when they're ready, boy or girl.
• He still loves horses and has branched out into all zoo animals. He will set all of them up together along with a set of dinosaurs and some Hot Wheels. His imagination astounds me.
• Recently drew his first "family" picture. With actual stick figures. It was adorable. He even included Grandma and Charlie. It was great. I saved it. :D
• Max really is a great big brother. I have to give him credit. He's barely 3 and he has incredible patience and incredible love for his little brother. I'm amazed at his adoration for Mike. He plays games with him, comforts him when he cried and shares his toys with an ease I never could have imagined. And Mike loves him as well. It's so wonderful to see my baby's face light up at the sight of his big brother.
• He has a firm grasp now of letters and numbers. We practice them almost daily, whether it be with flash cards or just spotting words in the store or books or on his toys. Sometimes I forget that he's only 3.

Lisa

• Loving the new building we moved in to over winter break. So new and clean and technology that allows me to do so many new things.
• Hating many other aspects of my job right now. The district has to cut 14 million dollars over two years because of reduced funding from the state (thanks Kaisch!). On top of that the community voted no on the levy. I blame the district for dropping the ball and not sharing about the cuts from the state. We will go up on the ballot again in August. Hopefully with more information for the community. This, however, means there will be major staffing cuts. Some rumors say 20 teachers. Some say more. Because I don't have tenure (you have to have a masters degree and I don't) I am potentially at risk to get RIFed. I have seniority in the district, but not within my department.
• Still trying to decide if I REALLY want a third child. When I see Max and Mike play I think how great it would be to see them all grow up together. When I'm up at 1am feeding a baby, I think how OVER I am this whole baby phase. It's exhausting! Some people say 3 is no different that 2. Some people say the exact opposite. I still have a few months to decide but ultimately I'd like to make a decision one way or the other over the summer.
• I am really into reading dystopian novels right now. And I got a Kindle Fire for Christmas and I am borrowing tons of library books. I love it! I don't ever have to remember to return the book. The Kindle does it for me. Very nice.

Kendall

• His health has been a roller coaster since the fall. Major breathing issues led him to go back on steroids in October and November. We switched docs and got some new ideas and recommendations and he has been doing a lot better and is off the steroids again. Still don't have any answers as to what is causing his breathing issues but hope to do some allergy testing soon.
• His job has been VERY busy. It's that time of year though. We're hoping to get a small bonus check from last year. This is the last year we will have to write a check to the other partners to pay off his portion of the practice. I am VERY excited at the idea of finally pulling in some extra cash at the end of 2013.
• I have been encouraging him to read more. So far I've gotten him to read two books in just December and January and I have a new one for him for February.
• I'm always amazed at how helpful of a husband Kendall is. He is a very hands-on dad. He loses his temper some times, but don't we all? And I'm just grateful that he's willing to take the boys with him sometimes and give me some alone time. Or that we trade off chores and if I make dinner I know he'll clean up. Parenting really is a partnership. I can't imagine doing it without him.

Whew! Okay, I'm done! :D

The Passing of a Friend

All of my blog readers are also Facebook friends and so you probably know that we had to put Morrie down this Tuesday. I just wanted to put a note here on my blog to note this sad occassion.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it, but over the last several months Morrie has been having seizures. They started off mild and were very sporadic. They seemed to start after an incident he had with vertigo. Most likely the cause was some type of developing brain tumor, but we were realstic in the fact that we were not willing to spend thousands of dollars on testing to learn what we already knew- our dog was old and he was getting ready to die. We decided to only prolong his life until the quality declined and he was unhappy. He started having accidents in the house about this time as well.

Over those months Morrie seemed relatively happy. He still had some spunk. He was starting to really struggle with the stairs and he started to sleep more and more. His hearing and vision also started deteriorating and he started to lose weight, no matter how much he ate.

While we were gone on our road trip to South Dakota for 10 days, Morrie had a seizure almost every day. The day he came home he jumped out of the Suburban and landed right on the top of his head. He had 4 seizures that day, one of which occurred while he was sleeping in the middle of the night. That's when we knew it was time to take him to the vet and end his pain.

If you've never put down an animal, it's quite a surreal experience. As Kendall said to me that day, it's hard because you are making the active decision to end your friend's life. Driving to the vet was hard. I felt myself wanting to turn the car around at every stop sign and red light. I kept telling myself that maybe he was okay. That he wouldn't have anymore seizures if we just let him rest more. When we arrived the staff was very compassionate. They got us into a room very quickly.

The vet came in and explained the process to us. Kendall had never put down a pet before. They gave Morrie a sedative so that he would lay down and relax. There would be no fight or stress over the I.V. Unfortunately, the shot stung and he had a mild seizure while Kendall was holding him. It was hard to see but also justified that we were doing the right thing.

However, as the doctor inserted the I.V. and injected the medication to stop his heart, my rational mind seemed to disappear. I kept thinking to myself that this wasn't really happening. We weren't really killing our dog. We couldn't be. This was just some type of sleeping medication. I woud never consciously kill my friend. In that last moment I didn't feel like anything I was doing was right. "You're just killing your friend," I said to myself. The rational part of my mind couldn't be heard over the pouding of my heart. I could imagine myself yelling, "No!" and stopping the procedure. But I KNEW we had to do it. I had seen Morrie suffering just hours before at the house. And while my heart ached to stop the process it also ultimately knew that I didn't want my friend to suffer any more.

We watched as he slowly stopped breathing and his entire body went limp. Those last moments were very peaceful as we stroked his head and body and spoke loving words. We spent a few more minutes with him after he passed and gave him our last kisses. We held each other and cried over the loss of our first dog/furry child. And the most difficult part of the whole experience was leaving his little body lying there on the table.

We are having him cremated and bringing the ashes home. They will come in a little cherry box with his name on it. I'm not sure what we'll do with it. I think I'd like to bury the ashes and keep the box. I think Kendall would like to keep him in the house. I just keep imagining the boys finding the box one day and then living out that classic sit-com moment of fighting over the box, the ashes spilling on the floor and Morrie ending up in the Dyson and then buried in the ground outside with cracker crumbs and hair balls. Not really my ideal situation. :)

Two days later my heart still aches when I think about him. Nights are the worst for us because Morrie slept in our room and it's so quiet now. We're used to hearing his snoring and snorting and heavy breathing. Maggie is a quiet dog and Michael doesn't snore...yet. So it has been hard. I know the days and nights will get easier, but I told Kendall that I was just starting to feel like my heart didn't have a hole in it (with the two boys) and now that Morrie is gone, a part of it feels empty again.

I think we'll leave Maggie as an only dog for now. She will probably thrive from the extra attention and honestly, I'm already changing diapers on two kids and trying to get one of them to poop on the potty. I don't really have time to get a puppy potty trained too. Especially since I'm getting ready to go back to work. I feel guilty leaving Maggie at home all alone while we go to work, but I think she will adjust. We'll all have to adjust. But it still hurts an awful lot.

Three Weeks Old

It's been a rough week here.

Michael has been gassy and fussy and not wanting to nap the last several days. Today he seems back to his "normal" self (normal for three weeks old) but the last several days were scary flashbacks to Max with colic. Lots of walking and jiggling and me crying. I ate my lunch in the car yesterday so that he would fall asleep. I cried the whole lunch. And then I ate whatever I wanted the rest of the day because I was so bummed out. I'm such a stress eater. The bright spot of his week is that I had the girls at Kendall's office weigh him again today. He's half an ounce short of 10 pounds! At least that made me feel like he was really getting what he needed, even with all the spit up. I commented to Kendall that I thought he was finally feeling like Max. I was right, he now weighs as much as Max did at birth. So he's only about 2 weeks behind his big brother. Already competing with big brother and barely 3 weeks old. *SMH*

Max has also been asserting his "toddlerness". He has fought us every morning this week about getting up and dressed and ready for school. He wants to stay home with us. I knew this was going to happen. Mommy and Michael are still in their jammies and Max wants to stay home too. We have had to be the mean parents every day and make him get dressed and get in the car. While it pains me to see him cry and go into time outs over something so silly, I can't cave. If we start caving now, imagine what he would become? We have been so consistent with our rules and our behavior that I can't just quit because I'm tired. Even though that's what I really want to do.

I've also been having a "fat week". I have to keep reminding myself that I'm only 21 days postpartum and that I was still wearing maternity clothes at this point with Max too. I'm just so tired of wearing them! I want to wear my real clothes again. This time around my skin stretched A LOT (hello stretch marks!) and it's just not bouncing back. Nor is my umbilical hernia. I'm worried that my belly button is going to permanently stick out until I have it repaired. Which I won't do until we're done having children. And I'm pretty sure we're not done. *sigh* Oh well. The price we pay for babies.

Two Weeks Old!

So I went back and read all of my entries from December of 2008 during Michael's morning nap. And found myself with tears streaming down my face by the end of the entries! Hormones, fatigue and the utter happiness of my entries had me feeling very emotional. And it also made me realize that many of the feelings I had almost 3 years ago are still present now.

I certainly wasn't as terrified of a c-section this second time around, but I did still have butterflies on my second walk to the OR. I'm amazed at the amount of love that immediately blooms in your heart the moment you see your baby, whether it's your first or second child. And I'm very grateful for all of the kind thoughts, notes, FB posts and gifts that have flowed into our house, even with a second baby. I don't feel like Michael has been "stiffed" as the second child.

It was good to go back and read about how tired and emotional I was with Max. Because I really didn't remember much of that time except for the sheer happiness of bringing home our special boy. As some of you know, having your own children, it's TWICE as exhausting when you already have a child and then bring home a newborn. Not only am I getting up in the middle of the night to feed Michael, I'm also getting up at 7 to get Max ready for preschool and help Kendall get out the door. And I've only done it 3 days! LOL! I can't even imagine how tired I will be when I go back to work at the beginning of November. Coffee is my best friend in the morning. I'm NOT a napper.

Michael is a good baby. He's not as alert as Max was in the early days. He has already established a pretty good pattern (that I'm sure he will change just to throw me off). He eats, stays awake for an hour and then sleeps for an hour or two. Then his belly growls and he wakes up to eat again. And then the cycle starts over again. I love being able to spend time with him one on one. I feel a little guilty that we're sending Max to school every day, but he really does like it there and the teachers have said he's been happy all week. No crying or whining about wanting to come home. So that makes me feel A LOT better about our decision to send him back full time. He comes home every day with a new story about what he did or who he played with or what they had to eat.

Max is doing amazingly well. He seems to take the attention Micheal needs in stride. He LOVES asking me when I'm going to feed Michael "milk from my boobies". LOL! He doesn't seem to mind that I have to spend that time not playing with him. And he likes to sit next to me while I'm feeding Michael and just lean on my side and talk to me or watch TV or have me read him a book. I hope this continues.

I also want to try and be diligent about documenting Michael's days because I want to be able to come back and read about these days when HE is almost 3...and we're maybe welcoming our third child home! (Yes, even this soon after birth my heart still feels like 3 is the right number! I'm crazy!)

Life With Two Boys

July was a rough month for me. I had Max at home with me almost full time and I was feeling HUGE. The heat was almost unbearable and we spent most of our time indoors. I couldn't take him to the park or the zoo, it was a struggle at times to just get over to Kendall's office to have lunch. I had a lot of swelling and belly pain. I started having contractions, especially when stressed. I definitely couldn't wait for August to get here.

FINALLY August 19th arrived. It was an emotional day. I was struggling to not feel guilty that I was bringing home another child to divide my attention from Max. I was nervous that things wouldn't go as smoothly in surgery as they did the first time. And I was terrified of the pain of recovery, even knowing how I did the last time. While some fears were warranted, others were proven wrong. Max is IN LOVE with Michael and doesn't seem to bear me any ill will for bringing him home. He's been extremely helpful- getting diapers, trying to calm Michael when he cries and looking out for him when we ride in the car.

However, my recovery was not as easy as the last time. I've heard this is common with second babies and c-sections, but I just wasn't prepared for how tough it was. Everyone said I did great and that I was really getting around well those first few days, but it sure didn't feel like it. I was able to manage pain without taking crazy pain killers and that could be why it was a little more difficult. I also had a really bad first night in the hospital (a different one than last time) and that didn't help either.

Other than that, everything feels just a little easier with a newborn. My milk came in faster, I understand how to get him on the breast and didn't have near the problems I did with Max. I'm not quite as anxious this time around about crying. Sometimes babies cry. After Max's colic, I think crying got a lot easier to hear. I am a little worried Michael will have colic. He is already showing gassy tendencies. We will probably be dealing with reflux again at the very least. The poor kid is like a fartmonica. He's also starting to spit up and he's only 12 days old! I'm less anxious when he's sleeping and have even managed to get a shower and ready for the day before lunch time without breaking a sweat!

I still kind of can't believe I have two boys. I think if we had had a girl this time, it might seem a little more real, but sometimes I look at Michael and forget it's not Max lying there. So many of their newborn facial features are the same. Michael has a lot less rolls (his legs are actually SCRAWNY) and he got my fingers and toes and his hair is much lighter, but his eyes, ears, nose and mouth are so much like Max it's uncanny. They even wrinkle their brows the same way when distressed. But Michael is his own child. He is already showing signs of his own personality. I can't WAIT to see how he grows and changes. And I can't wait for the age when he and Max can finally play together and be BROTHERS.

Max Update

Sometimes I look at Max and I think, "Wow! You're such a big boy!" He speaks to me in complete sentences and is able to tell me anything that he wants or needs. If he doesn't know the word for something he will directly ask me, "What is this called?" He then repeats the word (without my prompting him anymore) and then tries to use it again to ask for whatever he wants. In these moments I puff with pride and I think to myself, "You're so smart!" One of my favorite words that he uses (and one of his favorites to use) is "hilarious". He understands that it's a bigger word for "funny" and has taken to using it more and more frequently. I KNOW that he has gotten this word from me because I favor using it rather than just plain old "funny".

His vocabulary also includes lots of new animals. We look at animal flashcards a lot. He knows the difference between African and Asian elephants, the difference between bactrian and dromedary camels, he knows at least 6 different types of horses and that they can come in different colors. His favorite horses right now are the Clydesdales (which he sometimes calls the "beer horses" courtesy of his FATHER) and Falabellas. I think he just likes the way the name rolls off his tongue though. :) He very specifically asked if we could see the Okapi at the zoo this week. Unfortunately, it was hiding. But I love that he's learning obscure animals. Mostly because I learn them too then.

We have been trying to teach him about where things are located. For example, he knows that he lives in Troy, OH. While he doesn't know what the name of our street is yet, he can tell me which way to turn in town to get to our house on many major roads. A friend was in the car with us the other day and when we passed the entrance to our neighborhood to take her home he yelled out, "You missed our street Mommy!" My friend was amazed. He just takes in so many things. He also knows that his friend Maddie lives in Xenia and that the zoos are located in Columbus and Cincinnati. He knows that Grandma and Grandpa Hoag live in Cleveland. Just so smart!

Being home together for the summer has been enjoyable and aggravating all at the same time. There are days when we have a lot of fun together and then days when we both have complete meltdowns at the same time and we are both yelling and crying. I know that some of that is due to my fatigue and pregnancy hormones and the fact that he's only 2. But we always make up and hug and kiss each other at the end and say we're sorry. Inevitably being home together makes Max ask me to do things more than Kendall. He prefers me at times over his daddy. This has not been the case prior to summer vacation. It hurts Kendall's feelings sometimes, but I just try to remind him that Max and I spend a lot of time together and it's only natural that he would think of asking me something first.

We've been taking a lot of new trips this summer. New zoo, new parks, new museums, and trips to a real movie theater! We've enjoyed them all and i hope to be able to do a few more trips before Michael's arrival.

The transition to Max's new room went really well. He likes it a lot and I'm pretty sure he has forgotten that the other room even belonged to him. It is now baby Michael's room.

So all around a good start to summer. :)

Are We Afraid?

So today on CNN, there was an article about New York signing into law same-sex marriages. I had seen several other friends post things like "Way to go New York!" and decided I wanted to take it a step further and post the actual article. Which led me to thinking, "How many of my Facebook friends will be offended by my post?"

While I find that most of the time my friends have similar beliefs to mine, I also find there are times when I am VERY surprised to find out that some of my friends are keeping "secrets" about their beliefs. I know that not all of my friends would call themselves "Liberals," I don't know that I could even really say that (okay, I probably could on MOST issues) but I know that many of them would say they have liberal tendencies or beliefs. While one friend might say that they support a more conservative approach to taxes, that same person also would claim to be Pro-Choice. Then again, I'm also guessing that some of my Pro-Choice friends would say they are NOT for the legalization of gay marriage.

My real question is this- are we afraid to tell our friends what our beliefs are because we don't want them judging us? I admit that I did hesitate for just a second before I clicked the "post" button on the article. Was I going to cause some of my "friends" to get upset with me. I decided that anyone who really was my friend and disagreed with my opinion wouldn't be afraid to tell me that they disagreed. But they also wouldn't stop being friends with me just because I support gay marriage. I've never really been one to shy away from sharing my opinion, and I want to project that message to Max (and in 7 weeks Michael) that it's okay to share your beliefs with others...even if he decides his will from with his mother's. :)

Baby Love

Where has the time gone? I'm so grateful though that it's already the end of May and I'm only 9 school days away from being off until November 1st. I am completely ready to spend the summer with Max and then have Michael at home with me for several months before returning to work.

Michael is growing like crazy! He's already in the 82nd percentile for his gestational age. I can only imagine how quickly he will be past the charts and he's not even born yet! Max was only in the 65th percentile at this same gestational age and was 9 pounds 13 ounces and two weeks early! I sure hope those 0-3 month summer clothes I bought fit! We will certainly be surpassing all newborn clothes and diapers. And of course, bringing home a giant chubby baby. I get an ultrasound every 4 weeks to monitor growth. I am hoping for either an August 8th or August 15th delivery date. I'm thinking my doc will set that date in one of my early July appointments and not make me wait til the last minute for planning purposes.

Max is in love with his baby brother and he isn't even here yet! He talks about "Baby Michael" at school all the time. He talks about the things they will do together when Michael gets here (go to the zoo, play with the dogs, eat pizza, etc.). He kisses and hugs my belly and sometimes even talks to it like he can talk to Michael. He tells me that he will hug and kiss him when Michael is "outside of your belly". It is an AMAZING experience to see your first child start to connect with your second, even in utero. I'm so lucky to be having a second pregnancy. There were definitely times I felt like that would never happen. I just can't wait for Michael to get here!

The Terrible Teacher

So I mentioned in my last post that there is a teacher on our team that is TERRIBLE. She's new to the district this year and from day one, things have been weird.

"Miss Q," as I will call her, has a disability. It's a visual disability. She's legally blind. It's obvious. Her eyes go in two different directions and she can't look you straight in the eye. Now if she had just been honest with us from day one, I might feel a little differently. She has NEVER told us just how blind she is. As a matter of fact, she has never actually mentioned that she's blind. Obviously, we notice that there is something wrong. I'm sure she assumed that. But if she had just addressed the white elephant in the room from Day 1 and said, "Look, I know it's obvious that I have vision issues, could you guys help me out if you hear the kids are doing anything they shouldn't be in my rooms," I would probably respect her a little more right now.

Her vision issues do contribute to her ability to monitor a classroom. And while I am all for equal opportunity employment, junior high classrooms is NOT the right placement for this disability. Some examples of things that have happened under her "watch": (pun intended)

• A student in her 1st period class was throwing a paper airplane out the window almost every day until another teacher caught him doing it.
• Students in her 2nd period class stuffed the heater full of paper. It started spewing smoke and paper when the boiler was turned on this fall. She had no clue they were doing it.
• Two students in the same 2nd period class were getting up out of their seats and pushing the call button for the office. When the office would call to ask what Miss Q needed, she would tell them she hadn't called. They would then do it again. She had no clue what was going on
• Students in ALL of her classes raise their hands and never get called on when they need help. She will ask the room if there are any more questions and students will raise their hand and WAVE IT around. She says, "Alright, moving on then..." (This has been observed by other classroom teachers.)

These are just a FEW of the things she can't "see" happening in the room.

Other issues stem from her actual instruction of the content. She teaches the WRONG material. Or teaches it incorrectly and then has to reteach it the next day. The kids are lost. The other math teacher is actually pulling 25 of her algebra kids two days a week to review material that she has previously taught so they aren't behind for math next year. I've actually observed her teaching a class where the students are laying their heads down in frustration and shouting out that they don't understand what she's teaching them. She just pushes forward. I had to ask her to postpone her last exam because I had sobbing students in my classroom.

Additionally, she loses papers. Honors students who don't ever have a missing assignment are coming up with "missing work". They are very upset. Some of these kids are so upset that they come to our classes crying. Others have gotten angry. Some have their parents calling the school. Some are even photocopying their homework with parent signatures and dates on it each night so they can either turn that in when she loses it or prove that they've already done it. Now we know that some students are being manipulative and "claiming" that she's lost their work. But many of the kids are telling the truth. They can prove it.

Their parents are pissed. The assistant principal fielded 80 phone calls just last month about her. I'm worried that students are going to revolt and take over the classroom.

Then the bomb dropped: She told us today that she won't be returning next year. Which probably means she's been non-renewed on her contract. The weird part: She told us she might not be finishing THIS year. We're not really sure what this means. Is she quitting early and burning up her sick days? (She has enough to take the whole last quarter of school off.) Or is there something else we don't know? (i.e. She's been asked to resign early because things are SOOOOO bad.)

I hate to say it, but I'm glad she's leaving. I don't wish her any harm and I know in this economy it's hard to find a job, but she's TERRIBLE as a junior high teacher. She's just terrible as a teacher in general. She's living with her parents, so I'm not worried she'll be out on the streets. I just don't think that it was fair to anyone involved this year- students, parents or other teachers.

Life Has Gotten Away From Me!

So blogging is obviously not the priority that it used to be for me. A two year old, a job, a house and a husband have all contributed to having less time to write to you, my adoring fans. :)

Here is what has been happening in our lives since Christmas:

Max

• He is fascinated with what he calls his "back crack". Lord help us, he's also fascinated with OUR back cracks. Just this morning he tried to poke me with a bottle of soap. Kendall finds it hilarious. I do not.


• Loves the number 2. When you ask him how many of something are in a picture, his first number is always 2. Even if there is only one.


• He is refusing to wear jeans, cords, khakis. He only wants to wear "comfy pants" which are sweatpants and swishy pants. Sometimes we can convince him to wear "pajama jeans" if he is in a good mood.


• Also loves his pjs right now. He would wear pjs all day long if we would let him.


• Max now knows all of the basic shapes: circle, square, triangle, rectangle, star, oval


• He is still fascinated with Christmas. Wants to sing Christmas songs, sleep with his Santa blanket. Maybe it's because we still have a tree up in our front living room. Hmmm...


• Favorite TV: Dinosaur Train and Thomas the Train. I'm so tired of watching these shows.


• Favorite Movies: Cars & Madagascar (which he calls the "Animal Movie")
  
• Favorite foods: hotdogs, pickles and chips. If you ask him what he wants to eat, he will tell you this combination almost every time. Of course, he doesn't get this every time, but he still tries. In the morning he says pancakes. I've convinced him to eat oatmeal on a few occassions. :)


• He has named our baby "Bunny". No idea why. I'm pretty sure he understands the concept of a baby. I'm also pretty sure he has no idea this baby will be coming home to live in our house some day. :)

Kendall

• He seems to be getting a cough back. I have forbidden him to get sick again.


• Has started working out again. He's able to do most of his exercise routine without getting out of breath. The pneumonia really kicked his butt.


• Found out he's allergic to pigeon poop. And that it is the most likely cause for November's pneumonia. We have no clue....


• Is very busy at work. It's stressful sometimes.


• Has been doing an amazing job of taking care of me and Max. I'm just so tired at night right now.


• Is going to join a curling club at Hobart Arena in March. He's excited. I'm hoping he makes some new friends.

Me

• Hoping to feel normal soon. Well as normal as you can while pregnant. I graduated from my fertility doctor. I now just go to a regular OB/GYN for the remainder of the pregnancy. I stopped taking progesterone suppositories and am hoping my stomach starts to feel better soon. It seems to hurt after every meal right now. Not really sure why. Found out I have another cervical polyp (had one with Max). This will cause spotting throughout my pregnancy. JOY.
  
• Had a 6 day weekend with the ice storm at the beginning of February. I was ready to get back to work. The students weren't. I don't care. We're working.


• Went through a short spell where I actually DIDN'T hate my job. That hate has returned. It's mostly just because of a few co-workers. But it may get even worse if they don't fire the terrible new teacher on our team. I may just lose my entire work ethic if she gets to stay. I'll have to devote a whole post to how terrible she is.

Merry Christmas!

I don't have much to say right now. I could post all of Max's latest adventures and goofy behaviors and I could talk about work, but I'm not going to. All I want to say is that for this moment, life is good. The trees (all 5 of them) are lit, the stockings are hung, our tree skirt is filled with presents and I am at peace. I am going to enjoy my two weeks away from work. I will eat as much as I want. And I will lay around and do nothing as much as possible. And most importantly, I will celebrate the birth of Christ and be thankful for my family and friends.

Merry Christmas everybody! See you in the new year!

Disconnected

It's the time around the holidays that I really start to feel like our move to Troy has disconnected us from a lot of our friends. We're further north and no one seems to think about inviting us to things because we're just "too far away". Many of my closest friends now live at least 45 minutes to an hour away and we have kids and other responsibilities. I understand that. But I hate it.

I think even more frustrating than that is the fact that I've tried to make friends "up here". I just end up feeling like a stalker. I'll suggest that we get together and even offer up some dates we're available, and it seems like people are just too busy for us. I hate it. Am I unlikeable? Sometimes it feels that way. Maybe they're just more popular than I am and fill their calendars faster. That's the only thing I can tell myself so I don't feel like a total loser.

What I hate more than anything is that Max doesn't have anyone to play with. His cousin, Anna, is not interested in playing with him yet. And the friends that I've tried to connect with up here don't seem to have time for us. Or they're stay-at-home moms and their kids play together all day long. They don't want to have an evening play date. Which is hard too. Even the friends that live south of Troy that have kids seem to be sahms and it's the same scenario.

I get on FB and I see all of these fun pictures of kids together in front of Christmas trees and it just makes me want to cry. I feel so left out. It makes it even harder when I think about having another baby. Because that's the playmate Max will have. And the longer and longer it takes us to have a baby, the bigger the age gap will be and then he won't be interested in playing for quite some time.

Even Jessica hasn't invited us down to do anything. She's coming to Max's birthday party next weekend and I'm sure she will have to rush through because she has to get home to Callie or get Maddie down for her nap. I feel like we've lost touch. I know that its just as much my fault as hers, but seeing her pictures hurts more than anyone else's. I don't even know how to say anything to her about it. I know that she's having these get togethers during the day with her other sahm friends. So I can't blame her for that. It just SUCKS.

Sometimes I feel like the only person who makes any effort to come to Troy or at least INVITE US to their house is Karen. At the beginning of the year we made a great effort to see each other at least once a month. And she was willing to trade off the drive. It worked well until about October. The last few months have been hectic because of illness and holidays, but at least we are still trying to coordinate time together. And I appreciate that. We always have a good time and the kids seem to enjoy each other, even if they haven't seen each other for a month. Max STILL enjoys watching video of the time we took our bounce house down to play with Nicole. We blew it up right in their living room. It was hilarious. He laughs and yells, "Nic!" and "Max!" THANK YOU KAREN.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can meet other people that live up in Troy? I've tried my neighbors and Kendall's co-worker connections. There is supposed to be a group through church, but one of their activities is meeting DURING THE DAY. Grrrr. I just get so lonely sometimes.

Mixed Feelings

So this week has been quite the roller coaster of emotions. Here are the highlights:

Monday- Overwhelmed- I had to go in to work because I don't have that many sick days banked yet. I knew that when I used them all up with Max I would be putting myself in a precarious situation, so I can't really complain all that much. It was totally worth it to stay home with him for 4 months. But it also means I'm very selective about my days off. So when I went in Monday I was trying to catch up from two days of sub notes AND trying to plan for two more days of subs notes. The kids were pretty good and the subs didn't suck, so by the end of the day I felt like I had a handle on things.

Tuesday- Disappointed- I had taken the afternoon off because Kendall was supposed to be coming home from the hospital. It didn't happen. They wanted him to get a few more doses of IV antibiotics in his system before releasing him. So I had to come home and get the house ready for our cleaning lady (pick up junk, get out the cleaning supplies) and then I headed down to the mall for a few hours. I ended up not finding anything (I was hoping for some retail therapy) and the bras that I bought ended up being a failure. Overall, by the end of the day I was frustrated and exhausted. I spent a few hours playing Yahtzee with Kendall at the hospital and then had to come home and get Max ready for bed.

Wednesday- Encouraged- I headed to the doctor Wednesday morning to see if the cyst that had formed on my ovary was finally gone. It was another month of not being able to do any fertility treatment and I was ready for some good news. Fortunately, the cyst is gone. So I have ordered my drugs (let me tell you, 500 dollars on fertility drugs is NOT the way I want to be spending money right now!) and start my shots again tomorrow. We have decided to go back to the more expensive treatments. It's what worked for Max. We were hoping to get away with the cheap method. It wasn't working. So fingers crossed this works. Kendall also got to come home! I picked him up at 1 and we drove around getting his medicine and equipment that the hospital wanted him to use. Unfortunately, Max also developed a slight fever that day.

Thursday- Frustrated- Max woke up with a fever of 103. Poor kid was barely keeping his head up at 7am after a full night of sleep. Fortunately Kendall was staying home the rest of the week, so I headed in to work. I was worried about them both all day. Kendall didn't really get the rest he was supposed to and Max's fever still didn't go away. I had to run a bunch of errands and take out the trash, and I found myself thinking that I wouldn't mind a few days rest in the hospital....

Friday- Exhausted- After all of the errands the previous night, I had flopped in to bed. Because Max had slept so much of the day on Thursday, he decided to wake up at 3am. Kendall took him downstairs to watch tv for a little while and give him some more Motrin but I was still up and tossing and turning. So I was a little short on sleep. The day seemed to go by quickly, but I had many things to take care of for next weeks two day field trip. I'm behind on grading and feel like I REALLY need the Thanksgiving break. Max peaked a fever of almost 104. I hope it's not too serious.

Saturday- Impatient- Today I am getting impatient. I am trying to be understanding with Kendall. But I feel like he's milking it a little bit. Yes, he had pneumonia. Yes, he's still recovering. But YES, I have been busting my butt for two weeks. And YES, I want his help with a few things. I'm ready for this to all be over. And to just enjoy my freaking holidays. Hopefully this next week is a little more even keel and I can sit back and relax and enjoy my family and be thankful that they are all HEALTHY!!!

I Might As Well Blog About This

So the last couple of weeks haven't been the greatest in the Erdahl household. When I left for DC two weeks ago, I had just found out that the cyst on my ovary still wasn't gone and that I'd have to go back on two more weeks of birth control. Kendall was also still coughing and sick. Kendall was able to make it through most of the week without me but at the end of the week he almost passed out at work and his blood pressure went really low. They sent him home.

That weekend he was sick the whole time. I barely felt like I got to recover from walking 20 miles before I had to go back to work. Kendall went to work Monday and again felt like passing out. They gave him iv fluids and vitamins and sent him home. He stayed home for several days and attempted to go back to work again.

Wednesday night Max woke up at 11pm and was spewing macaroni everywhere. It was sick. It smelled awful, his bed was covered, he was covered and I got covered. Not the most pleasant parenting task. Let's just say I won't be eating the mac and cheese from Panera any time soon.

Thursday seemed to be going okay. Max was doing well. I stayed home from work with him. And then at 3 pm I get a phone call from Kendall that he almost passed out again and they wanted him to go to the ER. So I packed up all of our stuff and headed out to pick him up.

We then spent the next 7 hours in the ER. Fortunately, my friend Leslie helped out and was able to watch Max until my in-laws could get over to our house. Kendall was admitted to the hospital with right lung pneumonia. He was coughing so hard he was puking. He BP was down to 90/56. I was worried. The ER doc basically said that Kendall had tried everything he could to stay out of the hospital but it was probably time to give up and get admitted.

That night I headed home to get some things for Kendall and started to not feel well. Then the stomach flu hit me. I barely got the things Kendall needed to him and back home again. It was awful. I was up on the toilet all night. I spent the entire next day in bed crying because I didn't feel good and because I had pretty much abandoned Kendall at the hospital.

Yesterday I was feeling a little better and my mom was able to come down for the night. I sent my in-laws home to get a break. They went a little too eagerly for me. It kind of hurt my feelings actually. But I got to spend some good time with my mom and she was a big help with Max. Last night we also got some more bad news. Our friend Tom (one of Kendall's residency buddies) was diagnosed with cancer last March. Everything seemed to be going fine. But last night we found out that the chemo has stopped working. And instead of telling us, he just stopped eating and didn't tell anybody. So another residency friend got a call to come out because things were bad. We learned last night that Tom probably won't make it to Thanksgiving. It's just horrible timing for horrible news.

Today things looked up a little. Kendall got a different antibiotic and it seems to FINALLY be working. His lungs sound better and he's feeling a little better today. My mom helped me set up the Christmas tree in our family room because it will probably be a while before Kendall is up to lifting heavy things and putting the tree up just made me feel better. I love Christmas. It will forever be my favorite holiday because of little Max. He came home with us 12 days before Christmas. I have pictures of him all tiny (tiny for HIM) and helpless in front of the family room tree. So I wanted that tree up first. There aren't any decorations on it yet, but it's up and glowing and it makes me feel like my break from work is near.

Unfortunately I have to go back to work tomorrow. I don't have that many sick days to burn since I used them all up with Max's maternity leave a few years ago. I need to save in the hopes of another baby. So I will head back tomorrow, exhausted, and then take off Tuesday to get Kendall home. (I HOPE.) I go back to the doctor Wednesday to see if that f*cking cyst is gone yet. *sigh* I need some good news.

Life As We Know It...

It's too freaking busy! I don't have time at work, at home- anywhere- to update this freaking blog.

Me:

• Hate my job. HATE HATE HATE it. My arch nemesis has been a total bitch. She's crazy this year. I actually went and said something to my boss about it after she actually yelled at me in front of kids for no reason. I put my hand in her face and told her to stop and walked away. *sigh* I can't wait for her to retire.
• Want to be a part time teacher. I just need to find someone to share with me. Oh, and the 25K I'll lose going to part time. Have to find that too. Not really sure how I'll do that....
• Am failing at getting pregnant again. After miscarrying in March I have been totally unsuccessful. Getting tired of this drama. Just want it to happen again. *sigh* May have to take more drastic and expensive measures to make it happen. Not happy about that.

Kendall:

• Has actually been enjoying his job I think. Been busy, which is good for us at the end of the year when it comes time for a bonus. I'm hoping we actually get one this year. Last year we got stiffed. Not even a Christmas bonus. All of his money went to paying the practice off. I keep telling myself, "Only two more years..."
• Doing a phenomenal job of taking care of Max and me. I have been exhausted lately. He's been keeping up more on cleaning the house and getting Max ready in the morning and evening.
• Is working crazy hours this month at Urgent Care. Trying to save as much money as possible for our baby-making woes. They are cutting his hours there after November 14th. He thinks it's stupid what they're trying to do. He's the only doc that works there that actually owns their own practice. The people trying to change things don't even practice medicine. It's all stupid. We'll see how long the changes last...or Kendall working there.

Max:

• Speaks in three word phrases: I did it! I get it! I got it! More milk please.
• Enjoys discussing pee and poop: I pooped, I wet, Mommy pooped (even if I'm standing at the stove making dinner!), Daddy pooped, Grandma pooped
• Also enjoys discussing his nudity: I'm naked! Mommy's naked! Ernie is naked!
• Asks for shows that he wants by their actual names now: Manny, Timmy, Horsie Boobie (he means MOVIE), Ernie Bert, Choo Choo (Chuggington)
• Loves to boss us around: Stop it! Go away! No don't do that! No! I want didi (his pacifier- he named it) I go potty! (he sits on the toilet fully clothed most of the time)
• Ridiculously obsessed with horses. Movies, books, stuffed animals, plastic animals, on TV, in real life. He has a stick horse and cowboy hat and rides around the living room yelling, "Yeehaw!" Then mommy and daddy have to do it too. Actually refers to himself in the third person as "Cowboy Max" sometimes. He is going to be a cowboy for Halloween, horse and all. He's actually ridden a pony all by himself! He wore the bike helmet and everything and held on to the pommel! What a big boy!
• Likes coloring. Actually asks for his crayons and coloring books now. And he wants us to color with him. Directly asking us to color. Handing us crayons. Instructing us when he wants us to use a new color. Understands the colors pink and white pretty consistently. All other colors are a crap shoot.
• Every day he does something to remind me that he's no longer a baby. It makes me sad AND happy. I can't wait until he can talk to me even more and tell me everything he's thinking. And yet, I so want another baby at this point that I don't want him to grow up because then he won't want me anymore!

Okay, gotta go! Max is having a melt down and bath time is over! Time to go watch some Ernie Bert and then send him to bed!

MWAHAHAHAHA!

I just found out that school is no longer blocking Blogger! EXCELLLLLENT!!!! Maybe I'll actually try to find some time to blog now!

Update on Life:

• I have a cold. Ick. :(
• We are back to the doctor again this month for baby #2. I'll keep you posted
• Max is waking up every day at 5-freaking-30!!!!! We don't know why or what to do. Any suggestions?
• Kendall is working crazy hours at Urgent Care because after October he may not be able to get very many hours there. Long story.
• I am ready for this freaking hot weather to go away and fall to arrive. I love my fleece vests! They hide my fat! Bring on the 40 and 50 degree weather!

Byyyyeeeee!!!!!!

Randomness

• Max has started using phrases: it's broke, apple juice, no more, one more, all gone, don't talk now (the last one was a well timed and probably coincidental phrase!) He also has new words every day. It's hard to keep track. He's started using the word "horse" sometimes instead of just the sound. He busted out the word "paper" the other day. I love that he's such a little sponge!
• I'm not sure if I've mentioned this already, but Max tells us when he's pooped his pants. He says, "Butt," because I always say it's time to change his stinky butt. Haha.
• We took a trip to Cleveland last week. We were there to landscape my mom's front yard so that she can prepare to sell her house and move to Troy. She's getting pretty serious about the whole thing. She hates her job and wants to leave her neighborhood. She's even looking into taking the civil service test. Many public jobs require it. The landscaping only took us a day and we were able to spend the other days vacationing. We went to Huntington Beach, Put-in-Bay and were able to spend a good amount of time visiting family. The trip has me convinced that we HAVE to take a trip to the beach next summer.
• I've been going into work to "get ready" for the school year. So far all I've accomplished is moving my desk to a new angle and unpacking my personal effects. Oh, and lots of talking with other teachers. I don't think any of us are really ready for this year to start. I have a feeling that it's not going to be a very good year. Several other teachers said the same. There are too many factors to list here, but I'm hoping we're wrong.
• We got a new teacher on our team this year. I haven't met her yet but I've heard that she's legally blind. Blind enough that she's not allowed to have a driver's license. It makes me wonder, how will she be able to actually do her job. How can you manage classroom behavior if you can't SEE the kids. I'm very interested to meet her and actually see how she does.
• We asked my brother to give us an estimate on what it would cost to have him paint a few rooms in our house, including Max's "big boy" room. He very graciously offered to do Max's room for free. Which is not cheap. He has to sand the walls to remove some old glow-in-the-dark paint and I want one wall of the room to be a dark navy blue. I also want a bold navy blue stripe to circle the room on the other 3 walls. Even knowing all of this, he's going to do it. Now we just have to get him down here to really do it!
• I have been reading a lot of books lately. Especially science fiction and distopia books. I'm eagerly awaiting the release of Mockingjay on August 24th. I've also found several other trilogies and series that have piqued my interest. I have to say I've found that I'm more of fan of a series than individual stories. I like being able to follow characters over multiple adventures. One of my favorite reads this summer was Rhett Butler's People. If you are a fan of Gone With the Wind you will enjoy the spin that was taken with this book.
• I am ready for fall.

Accidental Pregnancies

This is probably one of my MOST opinionated entries is a while. You've been warned.....

I knew that we would be going back to the doctor this month to try another round of fertility...IF everything looked good on my ultrasound. Unfortunately, it didn't. I have a very large cyst on my right ovary. The side where I had my ectopic pregnancy. It's so big that they want to put me on birth control for a month. Ugh. This means another month down the drain. What a waste. And on birth control I can't even TRY on my own. So frustrating.

So after that tidbit of bad news, I went into work today to rearrange my classroom a little bit. One of my coworkers and good work friends came into my room to tell me she's 4 months pregnant. And it was an "Oops". She's about 16 weeks along and didn't want to tell me until she thought I was feeling better about our last miscarriage drama. Which I greatly appreciated. But she also mentioned that she also had to deal with her own feelings about this surprise first. She's not happy to be having a third child. I appreciate her honesty and I was a good friend and listened to her complaints.

But inside it left me feeling angry, frustrated and sad. It feels very unfair when people tell me they are "accidentally" pregnant. Why them? Why not me? I WANT to be pregnant! I'm also amazed at the sheer number of people that find themselves in this situation. Again, it feels unfair. Some people are excited, albeit a little overwhelmed. But many of these people are NOT happy about their situation and want to complain to me about it. I find that to be incredibly insensitive on their part. If you need to complain, don't do it to me.

It's just one of those things I can't be a good friend about. And I thought people would know that. Mostly because these people KNOW the struggles that Kendall and I went through to get Max and the new struggles we are encountering with a second child. We've never been quiet about it (which I'm sure could prompt a whole OTHER blog from my friends :P). While I can sort of understand the frustration of things not going the way you have them planned, I think it's kind of selfish to complain. What I want to say to them is, "How inconvenient for you that you're fertile and can easily create the miracle of life inside of you. It must be so hard to be normal."

Because for women like me, being dysfunctional is something I think about every day right now. A woman who is trying to have children, but can't, thinks about it all the time. And when you lose a pregnancy, you never forget it. I am still marking the days from this last drama in the back of my mind. I think about how far along I would be. How big the baby would be. How I would feel it moving inside of me. I have another friend who has suffered two losses and still doesn't have a child. She has an incredibly strong faith and yet even she has moments of doubt and anger. To both of us, an accidental pregnancy would be a joy and miracle.

And the loss feels even greater when you have a child. I didn't expect it to be that way. I thought I would handle it even better. Already having Max would be my comfort. But it's not. It's a cruel tease. Because I HAVE experienced pregnancy and motherhood, I know what I am missing out on when that baby died.

I should clarify here that I'm not complaining about ALL types of pregnancy groans. Hearing a woman complain about a pregnancy that she is excited about and WANTS is totally different. These women are still happy about the baby growing inside of them. But as every woman who has experienced pregnancy knows, there are just times when you HAVE to complain or you'll explode. I would gladly listen to (and HAVE listened to) those types of aches and pains moments. It's different. It's wanted. But even when you're happy, it's still HARD to be pregnant. I just don't want to hear how you don't really WANT this baby that God has gifted you with. Those people should just shut up when I'm around. :P

To redeem my friend a little bit, she did say at the end of her complaints, "I just had to sit back and say that God had this happen for a reason. It was his will that created this life and there MUST be a purpose. And that made me feel like I could do this." And while I'm still incredibly jealous and just a little angry with both her and God, I have to agree with her. There's a reason she got pregnant again. And I have to believe there is a reason I haven't and that in time, God will show me why.

July

I can tell you right up front, this entry will not be my best one. I'm just not in the mood to write well. Hell, I might not even edit it. *gasp!*

Things around here have been busy. Before this week Max and I pretty much spent every day he was home going somewhere that he could play. I knew that August was going to be busy and he was going to spend a lot of time at daycare. So I wanted to make the most of July. And the weekends have been full of visitors- both family and friends.

Just this week Natalie had the twins. Their names are Aleah Marie and Eliana Estelle. And because my blog is private, I can say this- I don't like their names. My s-i-l always picks such prissy names. And frowns when we try to give them nicknames. Anna is always called Annaliese by her parents. I think it's a mouthful. I didn't like her name either. I know, I know, it's their kid. But we all have to use the name too! And SHE has to go to school with it! So fortunately, Max can't say their names. He calls them Lili and Eli. Also fortunately, Natalie thinks it's cute that he can't say their names. Secretly, I'm going to pay him to keep saying those names until the cute factor doesn't count. Maybe by then the nicknames will STICK. Haha.

I am desperately clinging to the last weeks of my summer. Only 3 weeks left after this one until I am back to work full time. That....makes...me...sad. Plain and simple, I don't want to go back. I like the routine that Max and I have at home. And I like having a clean house. Kendall doesn't clean. And so unless I am home to put everything away, our house goes to shit. Case in point- we've been at the hospital all week visiting and trying to help out where we can. Our house- shit hole. *sigh* I've had to get up two days this week at my normal work time to go to summer workshops. Both days SUCKED. :P I have to do it again tomorrow. It will suck as well.

We got some interesting news this week on the get-a-sibling-for-Max front. Catholic Social Services informed me that we are eligible for their next home study group. This is a big surprise to us because we never repaid the fee to go back on the waiting list. We just told them to put us at the bottom and we'd let them know. I guess that meant we got to work our way back UP the list again. Which means that adoption is still a very REAL and CLOSE possibility for us. Which both comforts me and tears my heart out at the same time.

It helps to know that adoption is still an option and makes me excited that we wouldn't actually have to wait 'til Max as almost 4 for it to happen. It kills me to think about because as bizarre as it sounds, I so want to be where Natalie is right now. Recovering from another c-section. I'm not sure what that's supposed to tell me. I feel like my heart really is open to the idea of bringing someone else's baby into our home and making them OUR baby. But because of Max, I think I would always question whether we could still have more biological children. Maybe this is God's way of telling me to take some time off from killing myself to have a biological child. And maybe we could come back to it later when we wanted a third. Still a lot to think about.

Some quick things about Max and I'm outta here!

His latest favorite: Up and Down. He will use any prop he can get his hands on to demonstrate the concept of going up and down. Sometimes, when there are no props available, he'll use his body to go up and down. It's pretty funny.

His new favorite toy: General Red. A big plastic horse my mom bought him when she was here to visit for my birthday. Kendall wanted to name him General. I wanted to name him Red. A nice compromise was formed. Who cares what Max wanted to name him!

18 Month Check up: Weight- 28 pounds (50th to 75th percentile), Height- 35 inches (95th percentile- child, stop growing! This will put him FOR SURE over 6 feet as an adult.), Head Circumference- 53 centimeters (OVER the 95th percentile- which means he has a VERY large brain. Just the way I like 'em!)