So I read Jen's entry on being someones #1. I read her comments. And I decided I needed to write my own blog about this.
Kathy commented that only Jen's single friends probably really got how she was feeling. I don't think that is true. I think we've all been where Jen is, even if we're not there right now. I think what some of the other people were trying to remind Jen of, is that her own self esteem is important too. I don't think it had anything to do with the fact that we all had our own #1 people and were just trying to give kind words.
I know exactly how Jen feels. I once put someone very special to me above everything else in my life, even moving to be with them. It didn't work. And going back to being your own #1 is hard after a serious relationship. It almost seems/feels impossible at times. And you feel like you'll never meet anyone else. And it's sad. And that's okay. I wallowed for quite a while, myself. And when you realize that you probably weren't the #1 in the other person's life to begin with it just makes it harder. Just because I have someone else in my life now doesn't mean I've never been there and don't understand. We've all been single, even if I'm married now, I still remember what that hurt felt like.
And I haven't said much about this, but sometimes I resent being labeled and defined by my relationship with my husband. I work very hard not to be. I am not defined by my husband. I am defined by my own actions and beliefs. Moving to a small(er) town has shown me how very quickly we can be labeled. In many people's eyes I am Dr. E's wife. That is bothersome. I make efforts for people not to label me that way. Even if, at times, I seem outrageous in my methods. I'll even correct people when they introduce me that way. I'll say, "Actually, my name is Lisa. Not Dr. E's wife." While it turns heads and may offend people, I feel it's important to not be defined by someone else.
And sometimes, I still put myself as #1. You have to in order to keep your sanity. Married people aren't saints you know. While we all like to try and put our spouse, children, significant other, whatever, as our first choice, sometimes we're selfish too. Anyone who says they never do that is lying and just trying to look good.
And Jen, that's what's important, defining who you are with or without the other person. And from what I've read lately in your blog, I think you're doing a good job of that. It's still hard, and it still sucks, but you're putting yourself out there. That's huge. And I DO understand how you feel, even if I'm not single now.
8 comments:
Thanks Lisa.
I do know how hard it is to define yourself and be your own person in a relationship and not get sucked into the "I'm so-an-so's girl".
I think you are right, especially with a doctor for a husband (still a respected and admired profession), for you to be defined as who you are, is a difficult task in a smaller community.
I think Kathy had a very valid point, though. Married people may have been there before, and can reflect on it...but I think they forget it after a while in their day to day life.
I have a friend I"ve mentioned who, even in a relationship makes herself the priority. And we've all laughed at how crazy she is.
Lisa, what would you do if you lost Kendell...you've said before that you'd be devestated, probably join match.com so either to meet another great person and move on, or meet a psycho who'll kill you and you can be with Kendell in your afterlife.
And you ARE Dr. E's wife. It is part of who you are now. I am also "Kathy's Twin". (yea, not the same, but closes analogy I can come up with). I have a name and identity, too. But her friends know of me as her twin. My friends know of her as my twin. Anyway. To me, marriage is so much more. That's why it's a binding, legal contract involving God AND the government. And why it's much harder to divorce than break off a dating or even engagement relationship. Makes every sense why it then defines, in part, who you are.
well said Lisa. i like that you remind people you have a name. Next time i see Kendall i'm going to say "hello Mrs. E's husband"!
Great post.
Funny, before reading this I posted something on Jen's blog about how you have to make yourself #1 in order not to have a nervous breakdown.
On a different note, in Italy I was Trey's wife, and tried very hard to be my own person at the same time - man, was that hard in the type of community we were in. I still needed to do it, though, so I totally understand the not wanting to be labeled like that. For what it's worth, I still refer to all of you ladies with your maiden names when I'm talking about you. :-)
to Viki's comment -
When I discuss friends who are married, but who other friends or my family knew before (i.e. HS or grade school) I use the full name like Karen Temp... Eu..... or Sue Holm... We... or Lori Hen... Ki... I think Susannah's the only one exempt. She just get's Susannah - she's definitely one of a kind!!
Why is it being your own priority is so great at times (you go girl!), but as soon as you get snubbed repeatedly by someone making themself their own priority, then they're labeled selfish and conceited and egocentric.
Martha- There has to be a balance between putting yourself first and never putting anyone else before you. Otherwise...you are an egocentric, selfish jerk. :)
As for asking me about Kendall, I'm not quite sure where you were going with that...even if I put myself on match.com I'd still have to make myself a priority. I wouldn't just suddnely submit myself to someone else just to not be lonely. I'd still have standards....just maybe lower...haha. JK.
And to me there is a difference between a label and the definition of who I am inside. Dr. E's wife is a label. It says nothing about me except I bagged a rich guy. Which is nothing like my real personality. If I wanted to be a gold digger I would have found a better investment. Mine isn't paying off very well.... :P Now if it was just "Kendall's wife" that's different in my mind. Because that IS part of who I am. I chose to be with Kendall the man. Not Kendall the Dr. Even if his incredibly large brain IS sexy....I digress......
Viki- I too refer to you by your maiden names! LOL! And it does make me feel better...because to you, I'm just me. Not Kendall's other half. To you, he's just the guy who did Taebo in our living room. :)
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