It's the little things

Obviously, if you read my last post you know I'm not exactly having a good week already. Our failed attempt at baby making affects all aspects of my life. I tried not to let it get to me at work today, but I kind of felt blase about the whole work thing when I got up today. I didn't really interact with the kids that much today, I made them do silent work. That's always nice....=)

So when things feel bad like this, all of the nice little things that people say or do start to add up and make me feel better. I'm going to make a list here to appreciate them all.

1. Last night we made ribs, twice baked mashed potatos, and strawberry shortcake. It was a great meal and it made me think of summer.
2. Then this morning Kendall packed my lunch.
3. The kids weren't total monsters for once.
4. At the staff meeting after school the school psychologist brought a bunch of cookies that were delicious, including one of my favorites- peanutbutter kiss.
5. When I got home today there was a card from Viki in the the mailbox with fun pictures inside. I look fat in all the shots, but there's a super cute one of Kendall. (See picture)
6. My friends left me some nice notes. Even if they don't understand what I'm going through, at least they're supportive.
6. My dogs gave me kisses.

A Classic Kendall "Look"- the official one I fell for.

And that's just through 4PM! I now plan on going to read my trashy romance novel. That always makes me feel better.

So once again, this month was a bust. That makes 13 busts. It's so depressing. It seems that every time it happens, I cry less on the outside and hurt more on the inside. It starts to bubble up and I can feel it simmering inside me.

I await the news every month that someone else is pregnant. That it was their month, not mine. I look to God and I ask, "Why? Why not me? Why not this month? Am I being tested? Is this supposed to teach me something?" I try very hard to understand why God would not bless us with a child. And i try not to be angry with him. But it takes a lot of strength.

So now I will take the day to cry and mourn my own failure. Tomorrow, I will pick myself up, try to dust off the disappointment, and move forward.

A friend asked me yesterday what I was going to do. My only answer is, keep trying. Here's to try #14...I can't stay stuck in the past, I must look to the future.

*Sniff*

I am sad, sad, sad. I'm going to go lay down and just be sad for a long while.

The Jessicas

Let me first start by saying, this in no way says anything about any of my other friends, I'm just feeling the need to say thank you.

I feel a need to pay tribute to two friends who have changed me as a person over the last year. One of them I feel I know very well, the other I am still learning about, but both have been great friends through some tough times recently.

I spend much of my free time with the "Jessicas" because of their close proximity to my house (one of them lives withing walking distance) and the fact that they don't mind doing the same thing with me almost every weekend...namely, eatting dinner, laughing at each others stupid jokes, and playing board games.

A bonus, our husbands all get along and most of the time have the same sense of humor. For example, Kendall likes to joke they're we're going to have "naked dinner". Today I called Jessica S and her husband yelled, "I want to play games where we have to take our clothes off!" They're both retarded, but at least they're not alone.

They've also significantly changed my outlook on life. While I was definitly a Christian before I met them, I never really had a close relationship with God. Because of these two women and their examples of faith, I feel like I finally have a better connection. This new connection with God isn't perfect, and I can't say I'm a totally changed person, but I can say that it has helped me with my anger and frustration and confusion.

I think I've put this picture up before, but I'm going to post it again.

I just want to say thank you for being such good friends.

Stupid Co-Workers

Let me first start by saying that in general, I love most of the people that I work with. I'd call them my friends. There are some people that I just tolerate and accept that I can't change them and I just need to wait til they retire or I leave. Then there are some people who just really piss me off.

So my boss comes into my classroom this morning and tells me I need to talk to the other teacher that I share a block of kids with. He says that there is some "confusion" from the kids over who needs to sign their high school schedules. I told him, "There isn't confusion, I told the kids yesterday that BOTH of their teachers had to sign approval." He just says, make sure I communicate with the other teacher. I condescendingly say, "Okay...." I hate it when he won't just come out and say what the problem is! What the crap is with "principal politics"? He can never just come out and say what's wrong and that's so DUMB!!!!!!

So then I'm talking with another teacher in my grade that teaches English and we're talking about approving College Prep English for kids. I told her that there are some kids who I didn't approve because they have terrible grades even though they're capable of the CP work. They just refuse to participate or do work. She got on her high horse and said that it was a hard call to make and we should probably be signing those kids into CP English so that they were at least absorbing the information. I argued that they weren't going to do any work and they were a waste of a seat and they might as well fail General English if they're not going to do anything. I told her what a waste of time it was from personal experience to have to deal with those kids in that classroom. It just creates more work for that teacher. She kind of got all stuffy with me and said, "You're assuming things work the same in this district as your old one. And the only thing you're changing is the teacher who has to do the extra work. Now the general room is full of kids who don't work. Teachers need to learn they can't always stay in their comfort zone. We have to do what's best for the kids."

What I wanted to reply back was, "You've never taught anything BUT 8th grade, so how would you know anything about high school politics. Furthermore, what's best for the kids is if they're not going to work in either room, what's the point of adding a kid to CP who's going to fail and poison a good classroom?" I refrained from any of this and simply said, "I disagree". Nothing's going to change this co-worker's opinion. She stands on her soap box much too often for my taste. While I think she's an effective teacher, I think she's reaching the time where she needs to retire.

Feeling like Tina Turner!

I'm so excited! And I just can't hide it!

Sarah Ford started a blog! And now I can read about her life on a daily basis. Sarah, I would like you to note that I said DAILY. Let me tell you from personal experience, if you don't post regularly, Karen will harass you through her blog. Shaming you publicly.

Nothing else to really write about. Just thought I'd honor Sarah with another spot in my blog to encourage her to continue writing in hers!

1950's aprons

So I got together with a group of girls from church last night and we started making 1950's style aprons. They're the waist kind with pleats and cute little pockets. My friend Jessica S. bought a pattern and made her own to show us. Overall it was an entertaining experience. It was also a little stressful, as I SUCK at anything related to sewing.

We got all of the pieces cut out and our trim pinned on and then realized that we didn't know how to operate the old fashioned sewing machines at the high school we met at. It was funny and frustrating. So now we have to get together at a later time to actually have Jessica teach us how to sew.

I bought enough fabric that I can actually make two aprons. So if my first one comes out cool I think I'll make one for my mom too!

Update: I just have to say that I can't believe how shocked some of you are that I've tried sewing. I know I wasn't that crafty when most of you knew me, but I was an artist for goodness sake! It's not that far of a stretch!!!!!!