All of my blog readers are also Facebook friends and so you probably know that we had to put Morrie down this Tuesday. I just wanted to put a note here on my blog to note this sad occassion.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned it, but over the last several months Morrie has been having seizures. They started off mild and were very sporadic. They seemed to start after an incident he had with vertigo. Most likely the cause was some type of developing brain tumor, but we were realstic in the fact that we were not willing to spend thousands of dollars on testing to learn what we already knew- our dog was old and he was getting ready to die. We decided to only prolong his life until the quality declined and he was unhappy. He started having accidents in the house about this time as well.
Over those months Morrie seemed relatively happy. He still had some spunk. He was starting to really struggle with the stairs and he started to sleep more and more. His hearing and vision also started deteriorating and he started to lose weight, no matter how much he ate.
While we were gone on our road trip to South Dakota for 10 days, Morrie had a seizure almost every day. The day he came home he jumped out of the Suburban and landed right on the top of his head. He had 4 seizures that day, one of which occurred while he was sleeping in the middle of the night. That's when we knew it was time to take him to the vet and end his pain.
If you've never put down an animal, it's quite a surreal experience. As Kendall said to me that day, it's hard because you are making the active decision to end your friend's life. Driving to the vet was hard. I felt myself wanting to turn the car around at every stop sign and red light. I kept telling myself that maybe he was okay. That he wouldn't have anymore seizures if we just let him rest more. When we arrived the staff was very compassionate. They got us into a room very quickly.
The vet came in and explained the process to us. Kendall had never put down a pet before. They gave Morrie a sedative so that he would lay down and relax. There would be no fight or stress over the I.V. Unfortunately, the shot stung and he had a mild seizure while Kendall was holding him. It was hard to see but also justified that we were doing the right thing.
However, as the doctor inserted the I.V. and injected the medication to stop his heart, my rational mind seemed to disappear. I kept thinking to myself that this wasn't really happening. We weren't really killing our dog. We couldn't be. This was just some type of sleeping medication. I woud never consciously kill my friend. In that last moment I didn't feel like anything I was doing was right. "You're just killing your friend," I said to myself. The rational part of my mind couldn't be heard over the pouding of my heart. I could imagine myself yelling, "No!" and stopping the procedure. But I KNEW we had to do it. I had seen Morrie suffering just hours before at the house. And while my heart ached to stop the process it also ultimately knew that I didn't want my friend to suffer any more.
We watched as he slowly stopped breathing and his entire body went limp. Those last moments were very peaceful as we stroked his head and body and spoke loving words. We spent a few more minutes with him after he passed and gave him our last kisses. We held each other and cried over the loss of our first dog/furry child. And the most difficult part of the whole experience was leaving his little body lying there on the table.
We are having him cremated and bringing the ashes home. They will come in a little cherry box with his name on it. I'm not sure what we'll do with it. I think I'd like to bury the ashes and keep the box. I think Kendall would like to keep him in the house. I just keep imagining the boys finding the box one day and then living out that classic sit-com moment of fighting over the box, the ashes spilling on the floor and Morrie ending up in the Dyson and then buried in the ground outside with cracker crumbs and hair balls. Not really my ideal situation. :)
Two days later my heart still aches when I think about him. Nights are the worst for us because Morrie slept in our room and it's so quiet now. We're used to hearing his snoring and snorting and heavy breathing. Maggie is a quiet dog and Michael doesn't snore...yet. So it has been hard. I know the days and nights will get easier, but I told Kendall that I was just starting to feel like my heart didn't have a hole in it (with the two boys) and now that Morrie is gone, a part of it feels empty again.
I think we'll leave Maggie as an only dog for now. She will probably thrive from the extra attention and honestly, I'm already changing diapers on two kids and trying to get one of them to poop on the potty. I don't really have time to get a puppy potty trained too. Especially since I'm getting ready to go back to work. I feel guilty leaving Maggie at home all alone while we go to work, but I think she will adjust. We'll all have to adjust. But it still hurts an awful lot.
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