Accidental Pregnancies

This is probably one of my MOST opinionated entries is a while. You've been warned.....

I knew that we would be going back to the doctor this month to try another round of fertility...IF everything looked good on my ultrasound. Unfortunately, it didn't. I have a very large cyst on my right ovary. The side where I had my ectopic pregnancy. It's so big that they want to put me on birth control for a month. Ugh. This means another month down the drain. What a waste. And on birth control I can't even TRY on my own. So frustrating.

So after that tidbit of bad news, I went into work today to rearrange my classroom a little bit. One of my coworkers and good work friends came into my room to tell me she's 4 months pregnant. And it was an "Oops". She's about 16 weeks along and didn't want to tell me until she thought I was feeling better about our last miscarriage drama. Which I greatly appreciated. But she also mentioned that she also had to deal with her own feelings about this surprise first. She's not happy to be having a third child. I appreciate her honesty and I was a good friend and listened to her complaints.

But inside it left me feeling angry, frustrated and sad. It feels very unfair when people tell me they are "accidentally" pregnant. Why them? Why not me? I WANT to be pregnant! I'm also amazed at the sheer number of people that find themselves in this situation. Again, it feels unfair. Some people are excited, albeit a little overwhelmed. But many of these people are NOT happy about their situation and want to complain to me about it. I find that to be incredibly insensitive on their part. If you need to complain, don't do it to me.

It's just one of those things I can't be a good friend about. And I thought people would know that. Mostly because these people KNOW the struggles that Kendall and I went through to get Max and the new struggles we are encountering with a second child. We've never been quiet about it (which I'm sure could prompt a whole OTHER blog from my friends :P). While I can sort of understand the frustration of things not going the way you have them planned, I think it's kind of selfish to complain. What I want to say to them is, "How inconvenient for you that you're fertile and can easily create the miracle of life inside of you. It must be so hard to be normal."

Because for women like me, being dysfunctional is something I think about every day right now. A woman who is trying to have children, but can't, thinks about it all the time. And when you lose a pregnancy, you never forget it. I am still marking the days from this last drama in the back of my mind. I think about how far along I would be. How big the baby would be. How I would feel it moving inside of me. I have another friend who has suffered two losses and still doesn't have a child. She has an incredibly strong faith and yet even she has moments of doubt and anger. To both of us, an accidental pregnancy would be a joy and miracle.

And the loss feels even greater when you have a child. I didn't expect it to be that way. I thought I would handle it even better. Already having Max would be my comfort. But it's not. It's a cruel tease. Because I HAVE experienced pregnancy and motherhood, I know what I am missing out on when that baby died.

I should clarify here that I'm not complaining about ALL types of pregnancy groans. Hearing a woman complain about a pregnancy that she is excited about and WANTS is totally different. These women are still happy about the baby growing inside of them. But as every woman who has experienced pregnancy knows, there are just times when you HAVE to complain or you'll explode. I would gladly listen to (and HAVE listened to) those types of aches and pains moments. It's different. It's wanted. But even when you're happy, it's still HARD to be pregnant. I just don't want to hear how you don't really WANT this baby that God has gifted you with. Those people should just shut up when I'm around. :P

To redeem my friend a little bit, she did say at the end of her complaints, "I just had to sit back and say that God had this happen for a reason. It was his will that created this life and there MUST be a purpose. And that made me feel like I could do this." And while I'm still incredibly jealous and just a little angry with both her and God, I have to agree with her. There's a reason she got pregnant again. And I have to believe there is a reason I haven't and that in time, God will show me why.