A Little Sad

Today starts my last week of maternity leave. I'm sad. I'm pretty sure as the week progresses I'll get more sad. But being said also makes me happy. I know, weird. But really, if you had asked me 8 weeks ago if I was ready to go back to work I would have shouted, "YES!" And that's why I'm happy to be sad. Because I finally feel like we have Max's stomach issues under control and I actually enjoy being at home with him.

More for documenting life (like Karen says) and less for your entertainment, I wanted to note a couple of things about Max and my feelings about going back to work. So I won't be offended if people don't read the rest of this. :)

I'm anxious for several reasons, including having enough breast milk, missing milestones, and the fear that Max will love the daycare people more than he loves me.

The breast milk issue stems from the fact that either I really suck at using my electric pump, or my boobs just don't like the pump. I have about 9 feedings frozen, and I'm hoping to get at least 3 or 4 more this week, but Max has to go for 38 days. We've been giving him cereal once a day and he seems to like it. But he doesn't eat enough of it to really satisfy his little belly. I'm hoping that by the end of this week I'll be able to give him half and half at each of the meals he'll get at daycare. That would significantly help.

The milestones is a big one for me because Max really seems to just be starting to "do things" and I don't want to miss them. For example, this weekend he almost rolled over from his back to his front. He was so close, and then he rolled back. Grrr. He's also starting to realize that if he leans forward far enough, he can sit up. When he's in his bouncy seat he spends more time lifting his head off the back and trying to lean forward than he does just relaxing. He also doesn't like to be cradled as much, unless he's really tired. He wants to try and sit up in your arms. When we carry him now, he likes to hold himself up and look around.

He smiles at pretty much any woman that talks to him (he's a total ladies man) and he laughs out loud and only God knows what sometimes. Sometimes I think there must be a ghost in the room because he'll be looking into space just laughing and smiling. He has the cutest little giggle sometimes, and at others big loud guffaws of laughter. He's also learning how to express his dissatisfaction in loud shouting bursts instead of just crying. His crying has also gotten more dramatic. He can now make his face turn beet red and does the whole I'm-crying-so-hard-I-can't-breath thing. It's almost funny. Almost.

I guess I'm just afraid that he'll roll over at daycare for the first time or sit up by himself and I'll have to hear the excited voice of the daycare worker telling me about it instead of witnessing it myself. It also leads me to the fear that next year he will take his first steps there, and I'll miss it. I've contemplated telling them to not tell me when he does these things and just pretend that all of his firsts conveniently occur at home. I'm not sure yet. I guess I'll have to make that decision this week.

Which closely leads into my fear that Max will love the daycare workers more than me. Don't get me wrong, I want him to like going there, because I don't have any other choice right now. With my job providing the health insurance, I can't quit. And I'm a little bitter about that to be honest. But that's a whole other post. I just don't want Max to prefer the people that take care of him all day over me. It's stupid, I know. My kid will always prefer me. Esp. because he's only going there for 38 days before he spends three more months at home with me, even more time to bond. But what about next year? When he goes there for 9 months?

We're going to stay at daycare for an hour each day this week. I'm sure that the director thinks I'm crazy and overprotective and neurotic. But I don't really care. Because I'm paying these people 155 bucks a week to oversee the safety of my child. And I want to feel comfortable with leaving him there. Hopefully after taking him there and doing a practice run on Friday where Kendall drops him off, I'll feel okay next Monday morning when I have to leave my baby with a stranger. Because right now, it's making me tear up, which just isn't good for my mascara.